To See a Therapist, or Not to See a Therapist...that is the question!

Ryan is a Marriage and Family Therapist and so I was very aware of the concept of counseling or psychotherapy, but as I mentioned early on, it was NOT something I wanted to do. I kept coming up with excuses about life being stressful and we should wait until things calm down and see if I level out with the medication...So if I was waiting for things to calm down, I might have to wait until I was dead!

Finally after Braeden was already 18 months old with strong encouragement from my OBGYN, I decided to try to see someone. I got in contact with the leader of a local post-partum depression support group. After speaking with him he was more than glad to have me at sessions, but he also offered to see me privately once a week. With Ryan only being a graduate intern, money was an issue, so his offer was very tempting because he offered to see me for free if I didn't mind having a student listen in on the sessions.

Originally I told him no, but after contemplating it and talking it over with Ryan, I decided I really should give it a chance. So the following week I began seeing a therapist, that we'll call Dr. X.

Dr. X had been working at Duke University for something like 20 years and doing the post-partum depression support group for roughly the same amount of time, but his degree was in social work, which made me a little hesitant.

An aside, I do not have anything against social workers. They provide a tremendously valuable work to the community, but sadly they are one of the least trained in therapy of those working in the mental health profession. Many LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) can be WONDERFUL at therapy, but again, starting with less training makes me nervous.

I figured I'd give Dr. X a try anyways because of his extensive work with those suffering from post-partum depression.

I was COMPLETELY nervous for my first session. Here I was doing something that I really had deep issues with. I really didn't know what to expect. Obviously I figured we'd talk, but I admit I was skeptical he could really do anything for me. I felt like I'd hashed the issues out with Ryan SO many times that I wasn't sure what good talking about it would do.

The first session started by him asking to tell me about myself. Being the perfectionist that I am, I wanted to make sure I was answering the question the way he wanted me to. He just told me to start talking...so little direction really makes me uncomfortable, but I gave it my best shot.

I didn't mind telling him about myself because I figured he'd need to know that in order to understand my situation. But when I started to get a little frustrated was when EVERY week started like that.

Again, I have no problem with the therapist letting you dictate to a certain extent where you feel you need to discuss, but I also feel like what is the point of a therapist if all he has me do is just talk.

I personally feel like therapy needs to be an active process. A good therapist shouldn't tell you 100% of what you should do or shouldn't be lecturing you during sessions, but I feel like they should be guiding you in the discovery process and helping you find things you can do to make your situation more functional and healthy.

Dr. X didn't do this.

After several sessions of me just hashing out my past life and discussing every possible event in my life that could have made me feel the way I do, I let him know that I wanted to know what I could DO about my situation. Dr. X said there wasn't anything I could DO. He felt that if I came to grips with why I was feeling this way that then over time (he meant a LOT of time) I would be okay.

He made a lot of assumptions about me and my situation. He assumed that I had never discussed these past issues so fully...WRONG. He had NO idea how often I'd hashed them over in my mind and with others.

One of the things we talked about was that I was a guilt motivated person...he assumed that I didn't know that...WRONG AGAIN! I'm not sure how long I've known that, but at the very least I was aware of that before I was married (nearly 8 years ago).

And I think the biggest mistake he made was to assume that a higher power couldn't be involved.

I will always be glad I went to see Dr. X because he did indirectly help me give up some of my negative feelings towards people in my past. I started seeing him in March and so when the LDS Church's General Conference* came along the first weekend of April my mind was very focused on my past and those things that I was holding on to.

I had made these things a matter of regular pray and as I listened to the worlds of our prophet and leaders, I knew in my heart that I could forgive those that had hurt me. I knew that the comments and actions that had happened in the past were not meant to hurt, and even if they were I no longer wanted to be tied down by them. I no longer wanted to be a victim. The miracle of the atonement** had taken place in my life and I could instantly feel a weight lifted off me.

All of us have times where the actions of others make it easier for us to want to do something we know we shouldn't, but we still have the agency to choose how we will respond in that situation. The things that had happened in my past made it VERY easy for me to want to blame others for how I was feeling, but ultimately I still get to choose how I react. I didn't want to be victim to those actions any longer. (For more reading on this subject I would STRONGLY suggest the book, Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Group. Truly one of the most life changing books I've ever read.)

After my beautiful experience that General Conference weekend I was excited to tell Dr. X that I no longer held resentment toward those that had wronged me in the past. I was ready to and had let go of those feelings and I no longer wanted to dwell on them.

Thinking back on his response I don't remember the exact words he said, but more than anything I remember the way what he said made me feel. He basically looked at me with these sad, condescending eyes, and said something to the effect that there was no way I could have given these things up yet. We hadn't been discussing them for nearly enough time.

I remember thinking that I wanted to tell him, "It's no thanks to YOU that I'm over these things. The power of the Lord and His atonement are SO much greater than what any earthly therapist can imagine. So yes, if it was just up to you, I'd still be mired in the negative events of my past, but thankfully there's more to it."

I admit that I was feeling pretty harsh toward him at that time. I obviously didn't respond that way. I tried my best to explain the atonement and also the concepts I learned in Leadership and Self-Deception, but he just didn't understand.

It wasn't until months after the event that I realized that a quote by President Boyd K. Packer*** perfectly fit this situation: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

Needless to say our time in therapy didn't last much longer. I appreciated very much going to see Dr. X because it got me over my fear of therapy. I also will never forget him for helping me be more focused on my past and therefore more ready to give it up that memorable General Conference, but ultimately I needed something different.

In finding the right therapists, just like clothes and shoes, there is a different fit that works best for every person. I now know that I need a much more action oriented approach.

FYI:
The type of therapy that has the most evidence of being effective in treating depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. Couples therapy is also often an important part of this treatment.

*General Conference: A semi-annual conference held by the LDS Church where religious instruction is given by the leaders of the LDS church and is broadcast worldwide.

**Atonement: Our Savior Jesus Christ, suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for every person that has lived and will live on this Earth. One aspect of that suffering is to allow us to repent and then be forgiven of our sins. Another aspect is the blessing of having our pains eased. I wish I could truly express this concept. While in the Garden of Gethsemane, our Lord and Savior felt the pains of the world. He alone KNOWS completely what we have felt. If we ask in faith we can give up those pains to Him.

One of my favorite scriptures from the Book of Mormon is Alma 7:12 ~ "And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

***Boyd K. Packer: Boyd Kenneth Packer (born September 10, 1924) is the current president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church). Prior to his current position, Packer served as Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve. Packer has been an apostle and a member of the Quorum of the Twelve since 1970 and a general authority of the church since 1961.