Opening Up

I slowly became more open about my depression. I think I kept quiet for various reasons:

(1) I think I was scared of the stigma. I didn't want people to look at me with sad eyes and wonder how they could help this poor woman. Of course I wanted people to understand, but I never wanted to be looked down upon or to have others assume I was incapable because of the depression.

(2) I was afraid of rejection. This is similar to number 1, but still slightly different. I didn't want people to stop being my friend because they didn't feel like they could handle a friend with depression. I was also afraid that others wouldn't understand what depression was and basically assume I was just lazy instead of struggling with a disease just like someone with diabetes has a disease.

(3) I was afraid others wouldn't understand. I often felt like I could tell others what I'd been going through and they'd say something like, "Well we all have hard times. Just keep reading your scriptures, praying, and going to church and I'm sure it will get better soon." or "If you just exercise more, get more sleep, and balance your diet, everything should be fine." I think this forum has been the best way I've thought of so far to attempt to express what I'm going through. I can write my thoughts and ideas without interruption. In a conversation that can be very hard to do. I think I just felt like no one can really understand.

And probably the biggest reason of all...

(4) I was afraid to admit it to myself. Sure I wanted to have a reason why I was so out of sorts, but somehow opening up to others about what I was struggling with made it that much more real. If I was claiming I had depression to others, then I could no longer tell myself everything was just fine.

Finally I started to tell a person here or there as it seemed appropriate. The more I opened up the more comfortable I was about what was happening to me. I did find that some of the things I was scared of did happen, but never from close friends, and never with any ill intent.

Especially in relation to wanting someone else to understand, how could I truly expect them to do that? I mean, I think it's kind of like asking a man to completely understand what it's like to go through labor. Sure they can sympathize with how much pain and stress it is, but if you haven't given birth to a baby yourself, you'll only understand so well...and would I get mad at a man for not understanding that, of course not. They just can't. It's that plain and simple.

So the more I changed what I was expecting from others, the easier it was to share.

I was so touched by how so many people tried to understand the best they could. I obviously don't know what was going on in their heads, but at least outwardly they were so kind and non-judgemental. I really felt like they were trying to take it for what it was and let me dictate how much or little I could do.

I was also very surprised by how many others had suffered from some level of depression and not just moments of depression, actual diagnosed and medicated or treated depression. I can't say I was happy they were suffering, but it was also comforting to know that other women (I admit I didn't talk to many men about it, though I know many men suffer from depression as well), ones who I felt were on top of things and happy, had or were struggling with depression.

I had shared with many people early on that I was struggling with Post-Partum Depression, but many people did not know that I was still fighting and opening up about that revealed another layer of vulnerability. I think many people expect new mothers to struggle...I mean it's just plain hard to have a newborn...but the situation really changes when things don't get better.

But I was SO glad that I finally opened up...I was so blessed in return.