Improvement...

The last few weeks have been a real roller coaster, like always, but even amidst it all, I've still noticed levels of improvement.  For example:

*This past week I have been SO tired (I wish I could explain how tired I was, but that's not the point), but this exhaustion was different from the normal "depressed exhaustion."  Yes, I was still so tired I didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't because I was feeling low or down.  I never thought being totally exhausted would make me happy.

*Or the other day I came down to get Braeden out of bed after his nap.  The first thing I saw was bring orange (or should I say "sunset orange"...thank you Crayola) lines all of over his once white pillow case and sheets.  He was proudly holding up a crayon.  I really could have flipped out at him, but instead I asked, "Oh, did you have a crayon in your pocket?"  He excitedly answered, "Yes!"  In that moment I realized, we'd never told him not to write on his bedding.  So I replied that, "We'll have to show Daddy when he gets home."

I'm really not trying to pat myself on my back, but point out a time where I feel like I was able to think rationally instead of "depression induced."  I guess in some ways I feel like my true self is starting to come out.  Do I think I'm "over it,"  definitely not, but it's nice to see those moments of improvement.

Ray of Light

I think I've mentioned it before, but I've recently moved into this home. Transitions are always hard, but especially when you move to a neighborhood where you don't know anyone. I've been trying my best to get to know people through church and what not, but even still that can be hard.

In the last area I lived they had this great program called "Music Makers." It was a great "Mom & Me" activity focused on music, movement, and finger plays. My boys LOVED it. I thought it would be perfect to start up here, not to mention be a great way to get to know other moms in my neighborhood.

I prepped and sent out flyers, but only had like 2 people respond. After about a week another one joined in. I was getting a little nervous, especially since one of the families will be moving next month and that would leave us down to just 3 moms. I suppose if we were always able to attend that would be okay, but I was really hoping for a few more.

Then today I was able to invite 2 moms, also new to the area to join. It's silly, but it made me so happy. I think that's the perfect number of participants. It gives us plenty of kids in the group, not to mention plenty of moms to help lead each different activity. YAY! I'm just so happy.

In a lot of ways I feel like my prayers have been answered. I've really been praying to feel more integrated into my new area and it felt like my efforts weren't really working out. I suppose just like everything, you just need to be patient and have faith (again, active faith...I was trying different things to get to know people, not just waiting for them to come to me) and things really do work out.

Patience...what's that?!

Oh, today! What can I say, it was a pretty slow day in some ways in and others a good day. To start off with, I didn't go back to sleep and I accomplished a lot before getting Bradley to preschool. During preschool I ran some errands and by the time I got home, I was done, just plain done.

I suppose it's not the end of the world, but I do find it frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself and my sometimes VERY limited abilities, but on days like today I just get frustrated.

Sure shopping can be a pain, but normally (even my new modified w/ depression normal) I can shop during preschool and then be fine (especially since I only have to take one kid).

And again, maybe it was just so hard because not only was I done, but I was REALLY low. Seriously if my boys wouldn't have needed me, then I would have just curled up on the couch. I hate it because I get this listless feeling and I just want to curl up and have everything go away. I don't feel like I can handle even minor everyday things.

Thankfully I was blessed and so I'm feeling at least better (maybe done, but not stuck in darkness). I guess I really need to have one of my changed expectations be that I'm really going to have good days and slow days, and it doesn't matter if I could do the same thing yesterday and be fine, I just have to take each day for what it's worth.

BLAH! Maybe some day I'll get there...