My New Reality

The Ultimate Career was wonderful for me in many ways, but in one specific way it was definitely a blessing in disguise.

As I've mentioned in other posts, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). One big problem with that, I'm still suffering and my son turned 2 on Sunday. For most PPD suffers they usually get over it in less than 2 years.

An aside...every case of PPD is different, but at least from my understanding most women do get over it in less than 2 years. The Mayo Clinic website says this: "Untreated postpartum depression can last up to a year or longer. Sometimes untreated postpartum depression becomes a chronic depressive disorder. Even when treated, postpartum depression increases a woman's risk of future episodes of major depression."

I was desperately holding on to the fact that my depression would be going away. I think it was what kept me going. I kept thinking "this too shall pass." But it wasn't! I'm sure somewhere deep down I knew that something more was going on, but I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself. After reading the chapter from The Ultimate Career, I had to face the music.

This was a turning point for me. Whether I had depression before having Braeden and the birth was just the last straw on the camel's back, or whether my PPD wasn't treated well enough and turned into full blown clinical depression, I'm not sure, but either way, I had to start looking at things differently.

I just knew in my heart after reading how Elaine had suffered from depression for 14 years before the book was written and it wasn't going away for her. I knew that my reality was the same.

I also knew that my approach to life with depression was all wrong as well. I had been praying from the beginning that I might overcome the depression. I had asked for help in making it go away when instead I should have been making a completely different request.

There were a few VERY "slow days" while I was trying to reconcile in my mind what having a chronic illness meant. I realized that I'm only 27 and even if I have a shorter life than most I should live at least another 40 years. I wasn't sure I could handle 40 years of this. In many ways it felt like it would be 40 years of hell.

An aside, I don't use the word hell lightly, but I think it accurately describes what I was feeling. To have to live in that darkness for 40 years really would be like hell to me.

Thankfully, through nothing short of divine intervention, I realized that since my reality had changed (or at least my awareness of my reality), that my outlook had to change as well. So instead of praying for my depression to go away, I had to start asking for help living with depression, but not being defined by it.

Who knows what medical science will bring in the years to come, a cure for depression would be WONDERFUL, but I can't put all my eggs in that basket. My new way of looking at things is to assume that medical science will make no improvements in mental health treatment, so the remedy has to come from me.

I started to look for more outside help. I looked into various therapist options, I searched out a support group (The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), and I prayed with new fervency.

Again, I may be blessed to have this trial removed from me before this earthly life is over, but if not, that's okay. I definitely still have "slow days" and some really "bad days," but overall I'd say my progress is in a positive direction. I take one day at a time and more and more often I feel happy.

I am in a war with my depression and I am going to win!