My First Ray of Hope

I had a CRAZY freshman year experience, but from that my apartment and the one next door have become such good friends. To this day (over 8 years later) we have an online forum where we keep in touch from literally all over the country and from time to time all over the world. I love our forum. It has been such a blessing to me in so many ways, but the most amazing blessing came after I mentioned my continued struggle with depression.

One of my sweet friends, Natalie, hadn't realized I was still struggling. Some might say by chance, but I say through the hand of the Lord, Natalie was guided to rereading a book she hadn't picked up for years...The Ultimate Career. There was one chapter entitled, When Illness Strikes Home: One Woman's Story of Depression that she felt inspired to share with me.

It was nothing short of a Godsend! It was exactly what I needed at a TREMENDOUSLY difficult time. Elaine, the woman in the story, shared how she had been diagnosed with depression 14 years earlier. What first drew me into the story was her description of her struggle with depression...I felt like I could have written the description myself.

An aside...I think it is very important to understand that depression comes in many different forms. I know I don't understand them all, but not everyone experiences it the same way I do. Some have more anxiety, some get more moody and angry, but I got low...and I mean SUPER LOW!

I just felt SO thankful to hear of someone suffering to the same extent I had...again, not happy she had suffered, but thankful to not be alone.

She shared how she had struggled, but even more importantly she shared how she had coped.

There were SO many wonderful things that she listed. I was HIGHLY recommend anyone struggling with depression to pick up this book and read the chapter. But let me share with you the ideas that were most meaningful to me.

Scripture Study: This is something SO hard for me right now. In general, scripture study is hard for most people, but I have dyslexia as well...so comprehension is already hard to come by, then add the language of the scriptures to that and it's just plain hard. But then add depression to that and it feels nearly impossible.

So often I feel like my mind is in a fog. When I try to think quietly I feel like someone inside my head is flipping stations on the radio...there is NEVER any calm. I feel like I'm constantly fighting to focus. So you can imagine how difficult that would make trying to read and glean ANYTHING from the scriptures.

Elaine suggested topical study vs. reading chapter to chapter. I've heard of that before and even done it before, but it just didn't click to do it now. So I tried it. Oh, my goodness! I seriously felt like a whole new world had been opened up to me. For some reason not having to guess the topic of what I was reading and really being able to spend several days on one topic made a world of difference for me. I felt like I was reading some verses for the first time. I really had whole new eyes. It was such a weight off my shoulders.

She specifically mentioned starting with a study of faith (for obvious reasons) and that was PERFECT for me. There is SO much to be said about faith that I'll dedicate several other posts to what I learned.

Love: For this topic, I'm going to quote a chapter from the book:

"Another time, during a low moment when I was feeling particularly distraught, I said to Mark [her husband], 'I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me.' He looked at me as if I had hit him. ' We are in this together!' he exclaimed. 'I would never leave you, I love you,' he declared as he gave me a hug. 'Wouldn't you do the same for me if things were reversed? Honey, we are in this together.' Well, of course, I would not leave him and, of course, I would take care of him if he were sick..." (The Ultimate Career, pg. 159)

I had had those VERY same feelings on countless occasions. I seriously felt like Ryan would have every right in the world to leave me. I felt like all I was doing was creating more work for him and dragging him down. Somehow reading the words Elaine's husband told her, made everything Ryan had tried to assure me of, so much more real. I knew it then, and I know with all my heart now, that he's in it for the long haul and the LAST thing he'd think of doing is to kick me when I'm down, by deserting me.

An aside, sadly I know this is not the reality for everyone. I honestly thank my Lord EVERY day that I was blessed with such and understanding a wonderful husband. I'm sure there are days when it is really hard, but thankfully the love that we have for each other runs so much deeper than depression can ever truly touch.

Natalie was a Godsend (on more than one occasion) and this chapter was a Godsend. Together they were one of the first real rays of hope in the darkness I called my life.