Thursday, August 14, 2008

Expectation Manipulation

With my change in reality had to come a change in expectations.

The first expectation that of course had to change was my belief that the depression was going to go away. Again, I still very much have the hope that I can become more stable, but I don't think I'm going to wake up one morning and everything is suddenly better. Sure it would be nice, but totally unrealistic and therefore totally unhealthy for me to think that way.

A HUGE change in expectations had to happen in relation to what I felt I could accomplish each day, or rather how much I had to accomplish to feel good about myself. I just kept believing that I should hold myself to the same standard of productivity that I had once been able to accomplish. Even since the depression started I really pushed myself to keep up with my perceived acceptable level of productivity. And in all reality the only thing that came from that was less productivity...I'd push too hard and then crash and be even less able to accomplish what I felt I should be able to do.

Along with expecting myself to be as productive as I once was, I was still trying to compare myself with other moms. I remember very distinctly going over to one of my friend's homes. She had just given birth to her 3rd child...less than 2 week prior. As I often do, especially post depression, I was sure to ask her how she was feeling...both physically and emotionally. As you might expect, she said she was doing fine. Plenty of people tell you what they think you want to hear, or what they should say, but this wasn't the case with this friend. I knew her well enough to know that she was being honest. Not to mention the fact that she looked FABULOUS (i.e. showered, hair & makeup done, and really just radiant) and it was before 10 am!

I remember having a tiny panic attack. Through heavy breathing I thought, "Oh, my goodness! How can she do it?! I didn't feel that good at 2 weeks with either child and she has THREE kids. That's supposed to be the hardest number! I just can't do it! What's wrong with me?!"

You might say, "Well her situation was different." Sure every one's is different, but in a lot of ways she was in the same boat as I was. She had recently moved to the area, they were only going to be in the area for a year, she was away from family and friends, etc. The one glaring difference...she didn't have depression.

I was crushed. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just wanted to feel capable again. Heaven forbid, I didn't feel as good as she looked and my baby 18 months! I knew then that I had to change, but my expectations were skewed and so I wasn't truly able to change at that time.

So now I look at things very differently. Now don't think I'm so good that I've been able to never compare myself...Yeah, not seeing that one happening ANY time soon...but I do it less...a lot less. I realize that my sweet neighbor with 4 kids, the oldest being 4 has a different life than me. I can't even imagine what state I'd be in if I had the same configuration of kids, but that's okay.

I've had to set more realistic goals for each day. Truly right now for me to get up and not go back to sleep on the couch is a MAJOR accomplishment.

An aside, I wish I could describe to you the intensity of the urge to curl up and sleep. Since making this last move that has been one of THE HARDEST things I've had to deal with. To put it in Freudian terms* (and I'm not talking about Freud and sexual things) it's like my Id was SCREAMING at me to sleep while my Super-Ego knew I shouldn't, but it's protests didn't matter. It was like my Super-Ego was on mute and my Id had hijacked my Ego, so there was just no other option.

Exercising, reading my scriptures, praying, showering, and feeding my family constitute an EXCELLENT day.

I realize that I just plain DO NOT have the energy I used to and like I said before, if I push it, I pay for it in even less productivity. I have to be VERY stingy with my energy. I have to pace myself and according to how I was before depression, I can give about 50%. I admit it still frustrates me, but I'm doing better to realize that it's my reality and to push against it only makes things worse.

I've also had to change my expectations for my children. I would LOVE to be able to teach them all sorts of things or to spend hours and hours playing with them, but sadly I can't. I'm sure Bradley could be reading, but likely won't until school...we'll just have to see if I can muster the energy before that or not. I try to give them as much time as I can so I've tried to pick activities that will give me the most bang for my buck. And then I make sure I tell them I love them and give them lots of hugs and I have to hope for the best. sure I could probably help them reach higher goals, but right now that is just not realistic for me.

I also had unrealistically wonderful dreams for how life would be after Ryan was done with school. I just figured things would be so much easier. We'd finally have a real paycheck, Ryan would have so much time to spend with me, and life would just be peaches and cream...uh, wrong!

Sure we had a real paycheck coming in, but more bills and financial responsibilities than ever before. Ryan was done with school, but officially he was ABD (All But Dissertation) so he's had to spend MANY hours on that. He loves his job, but he is away from home a lot on Monday & Tuesday (usually 7:20am - 9:00pm or later)...so that means I play single mom on those days. I knew the whole moving transition would be hard, but I'd set myself up for post-graduate school life being this wonderful land of milk and honey, that I fell flat on my face when reality hit.

So now I'm more realistic about that. Yes, we finally have money to actually SAVE and pay back those lovely student loans, but there still aren't a lot of extras. But at least we're moving up in the world and not continuing to create more dept!

Now that Ryan sent in his final copy of his dissertation for binding...hallelujah...his time is a little more free in the evenings. Sure, he's still busy at work most days and often has to take calls when he's "off," but I'm SO thankful I get him as often as I do. And maybe some women get their husbands physically home for more time, but not emotionally home. I get Ryan emotionally and mentally home 100% when he's physically home.

Again, the move was hard, but now we have our own home. Darling little first time home that might even end up being a good enough forever home. The previous owners took wonderful care of it and we have a cute yard that has plenty of room for everything we need...not to mention a great park across the street.

Really our little post-graduate life is great...not what I expected...but great!

Children...this is something I've always wanted in life. Thankfully I've been blessed with 2 darling, energy-packed little boys. They have honestly been life savers to me. I feel tremendously blessed that the Lord loved and trusted Ryan and I enough to be their parents. But I expected more.

Not more from my sons, but more children in general. Many of you reading this might say, "Lady are you crazy?! Two kids is more than enough!" Or others might feel, "How can you even say that?! I've tried desperately to have children and have never been blessed with any. Be thankful for what you have!"

Both of those comments definitely hold weight, but they still don't change the fact that my expectation was to have a larger family.

Ryan and I are both one of eight children. We're used to the craziness and fun. We love getting together for reunions. There are kids everywhere and we laugh and have a great time. We wanted that for our own children. Again, others might say, "Well then have more." That doesn't appear to be our reality.

We aren't set in stone on this, but through much prayer we both really feel that our little family will likely end here. I could explain all of the reasons, but every time I do, I feel like people give me some excuse or way around things. This is a decision between Ryan, the Lord, and me and right now the answer we seem to be getting is to be done.

We would welcome new additions to our family and so we will always be open to the possibility, but right now, just like I have to live with the idea that there might never be an advancement in mental health treatment, I have to accept my family as it is. I have cried many times and mourned the loss of the children I wanted. I have mourned the loss of large family gatherings for my 2 boys. I have cried because I didn't have enough in me to give to more sweet spirits from our Father in Heaven. But I have also found peace.
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In all of these areas, and many more, my life and expectations have had to change. Would I have ever guessed my life would be where it is 10 years ago? Of course not. But in the same thought I can't help but say that I wouldn't want it to change either.

This has been such a TREMENDOUS time of learning. I can't wait to see what else I can learn. I know for a fact that my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ are carrying me through this storm. I have grown so much closer to Them and I'm truly learning to trust Them. We are not asked to muddle through this life alone. There is ALWAYS someone there for us. All you have to do is ask. They truly are the light. The light in my darkness and they can be the light in yours.





*Freudian terms:Id, ego, and super-ego are the three parts of the "psychic apparatus" defined in Freud's structural model of the psyche; they are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction mental life is described. According to this model, the uncoordinated instinctual trends are the "id"; the organised realistic part of the psyche is the "ego," and the critical and moralizing function the "super-ego." - Wikipedia

4 comments:

Liz Johnson said...

I really loved this post. I think you're totally right to mourn your "ideal" large family... I think anytime our expectations (especially those we've had since a very young age) aren't met, we have a very real right to mourn that loss. I know we're often told to just "roll with the punches," but I think that part of "rolling" is mourning our losses and celebrating our gifts.

When I was growing up, I had a very real expectation of "making a difference." And to me, that meant more than "just" being a mom... I wanted to have a career or something that would help me save the world, essentially. I had very real visions of trekking around Africa doing AIDS education or working in Thailand to get children out of abusive situations. I absolutely expected to have a master's degree before "settling down" and having a family. When I finally realized that wasn't the Lord's plan for us, and that I'd have to delay those plans for a long time (or possibly give them up entirely), I had a real loss to mourn. I felt like I wasn't "allowed" to mourn this because I was given something amazing in return - the ability to stay home and raise our two beautiful children - but the more I allowed myself to gain closure with this and realign my expectations, the happier I was with my current situation. I would still like to get a master's degree at some point, but for now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, it's so hard to not compare ourselves to others. I feel that same way - I look at other women who have just had a child, and I think to myself "How is she coping so well?" or "How does she look so skinny already?" I constantly have to remind myself that I'm not racing against anybody else in life... but that line of thinking definitely doesn't come naturally to me.

Marianne said...

Liz, you are SO right! I am a firm believer that you need to be allowed to have your feelings. What we feel, whether someone else thinks it's okay or not, is what we feel. I think we have a choice from there as to what we do with those feelings. I definitely think if we feel a certain way, but we know we need to act otherwise, that mourning what we were feeling before it part of the process.

And someday, I'm sure I'll be reading about the great Liz Johnson and her humanitarian work abroad...that wouldn't surprise me in the least. :)

Vicky said...

"Exercising, reading my scriptures, praying, showering, and feeding my family constitute an EXCELLENT day." Marianne, I have to totally agree with this! And to be honest, my list is usually missing a few of those things and I still have to consider it a pretty good day.

I've enjoyed reading your blog. I'm glad you're doing it.

Marianne said...

Vicky, I think you might be sad if that's all you got done in a day. I mean I don't go to work or do many other projects. Like I said, it's literally just those things...and now I've added a blog (darn time waster!) so I try to do something with that most days, but really I can't get anything else done.