A Distant Light

A Distant Light

by Marianne Anderson

The tunnel is long and dark

A tiny light afar I see.

Running and reaching

No brighter it gets.

Stumbling and falling

But still trying again.

Running and walking

The pace is slower now.

Still reaching and striving

But the light is still dim.

Wondering and hoping

But on me the glow does not fall.

Distant and disoriented

Is there still a light?

Lost and confused

In what way should I go?

Scared and small

Is there still hope?

Crying and praying

In the darkness lost.

Fear and aching

A new shroud makes.

Wanting yet retreating

New bonds now control.

Calling and hoping

But again lost, alone.

Pleading and reaching

No light to be found.

Gasping and clawing

No escape to be mine.

Desperate and dying

No alternative left.

Kneeling and submitting

My one last hope.

Awakening and breathing

Fresh air touches my lips.

Tentative and leery

Not ready to stand.

Groping and feeling

Not sure of support.

Hoping and praying

What's that I see?

Peering and pleading

Is that what I need?

Looking and leaning

Have I found my way?

Praising and crying

A distant light I see.

I'm not even sure if there is anyone out there still reading...I haven't exactly been regular in my posts lately. Needless to say the last several weeks have been nearly more than I can take. I think, and am praying that we're working toward a new answer. I hate to think what will happen if the light we're going toward now is not the right now.

Please keep me in your prayers. I know that in SO many ways I am very blessed, tremendously blessed. What's hard is when that doesn't seem to be enough. When the chemical balance in my body could care less hope much the Lord has given me, I find it so hard to move on. But HE is still there and HE will show me the light. Just pray that I can have strength to follow HIM.

Unicycle

It's been a while, as you already know.  I'm still really struggling to get back on balance.  I don't want to belabor the point here, but I'll just say that I've fallen off the unicycle.  I learning to ride again, but I'm really struggling to stay on.  I'm really looking at my life and trying to reevaluate what must stay, and what can go.  It's hard when I used to be so capable.  But I know I'd rather be able to do something, even if it's not much, than nothing at all.

So that's where I am right now.  I'm trying to climb back onto the unicycle, but before I can do that I have to clear out the road so I don't just fall right off again.  It's definitely the biggest balancing act of my life and hopefully it will happen sooner than later...

I want...I need...

I'm still just feeling SO stuck.  As I've mentioned before, I often feel like I'm having kind of an out of body experience.  I can see myself and I can evaluate the things that would be most helpful in my life, but I just can't do them.  I watch/hear myself being mean and snappy, but the words and actions seem to come out of me before I can do anything about them.  I don't want to be mean.  I don't want to blame others for the hell I'm going through.  I don't want to get in a rut that makes me such an emotional wreck, that despite all of my efforts in the past, I just keep gaining weight (one of my biggest signs that things are not going the way they should emotionally).  I want to be able to stop pretending.  I just want to be able to do "normal" (and I'm even talking my altered normal) things without putting every bit of effort into them.  I want to have enough energy to help guide my sons through the struggles of being 2 & 4, and not just give up and give into whatever they want.  I want to be a support for my husband who works SO hard to provide for our family and truly make a difference in the life of SO many troubled youth and their families, often without much thanks and often in the face of open hostility.  I want...I want...I want...or really I NEED.  

Please LORD, I need thy help.

1 year later...

Today, Mother's Day, is an interesting day for me.  Mother's Day last year I was traveling from North Carolina to Utah.  We were in the middle of the mountains in West Virginia when I totaled our car.  Luckily no one was hurt, but I think that day has still left a stain on our lives.  I suppose it is kind of a bittersweet memory.  We were blessed SO much by a dear couple that we had never met and even since then we have been blessed by our association with them.  But aside from the list of blessings that surrounded this event, I think it still was a catalyst for a downward spiral.  

In many ways I think it was the last straw on the camels back and made what would have been hard (moving), REALLY hard.  Both Ryan and I were really strapped in so many ways.  The past 3 years, although great in many ways, were also very taxing.  We had been to hell and back in so many ways.

I admit I'm emotionally tired enough right now that I don't have the mental energy to be eloquent.  I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that Mother's Day is a mixed emotional bag for me.  My husband and sons have been great and I SO appreciate their love and attention.  But I feel torn because part of me is reliving the feelings and stresses of a year ago.  

The mind and the heart are mysterious...

Finding the ray of light in the darkness...

I am exhausted!  Just plain exhausted.  I'm exhausted physically.  I am exhausted mentally (i.e. at first I was thinking physically was spelled with an 'f').  I'm exhausted emotionally.  I'm just not sure how I'll be able to pull together the strength I need to even do simple things like warm up hot dogs for the boys.

I was doing pretty well the last little while, but today was the last straw.  We woke up and Bradley had a temperature for 103 degrees.  No, that's not astronomically high and plenty of kids get sick every day, but this will make 6 weeks straight of at least one member of our family being sick.  I'M JUST SO TIRED OF IT!  

Part of me feels very ungrateful.  None of these sicknesses have been more than a week or so, but at the same time, they've meant that I'm cooped up inside (not so much from being outdoors...which does make a difference...but from doing things with other people).  One of the major coping techniques I've been using to fight my depression has been scheduled social activities.  And with every week of sickness more of those go out the window.  It really put me into a rut today.  So as I'm trying to crawl my way back out before my Young Women's activity tonight I thought I'd try to search for some Rays of Light.  They're always there and they always help.

*I'm finally feeling well enough after the flu I had last week that I don't dread going to sleep.

*It's sunny outside

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class turned out well.

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class are all out of the house now...phew!

*I got my grocery shopping done before Bradley got sick.

*I was feeling well enough (barely, but well enough all the same) to go to my brothers graduation last weekend.

*It's Wednesday so I was able to talk to my husband for a bit (on Monday & Tuesday he's out of cell phone range.)

*My boys are playing (with minimal fighting) downstairs.

*My Internet is working again (it wasn't this morning).

*I have a home.  One that the previous owners took GREAT care of!  Thank you!

*I married the man of my dreams...seriously!

*I have 2 beautiful and generally speaking, healthy boys.

*Ryan has a job that provides well enough to allow me to stay at home.

*I have amazing friends.

*I can email, and shop, and get on facebook, and blogger, and SO many other things online!

*I'm literate...it would be a SAD day for me if I couldn't read.

*I can pray and there is really someone there listening and answering.

*I can have a bum day today and have the power to start over tomorrow.

*I finally got my lawn aerated and he even fertilized for only an extra $5.

*We found our elliptical for only $50 and it's be SO good for me...I actually should have a date with it in a few minutes.

*Although I'm constantly fighting my weight, I have a healthy body that I don't have to constantly be "fixing" at the doctors.

*I have a great depression support group (DBSA).

*I have a college education.

*I never have to take another college class in my life, but I can if I want to.

*I have DVR (I know it sounds dumb, but I LOVE it...NO MORE COMMERCIALS!)

I could go on and on, but I should probably go fix those hot dogs.  But thanks for all of you that will read this post.  I don't know that just writing it for myself would be enough.  Thanks to you, too, for being a Ray of Light.

Ray of Light

Phew...the last few days have been CRAZY!  I've had as Ryan calls it the "Attila the Hun" of flus/colds.  It has really kicked me in the behind.  I seldom get that knocked down by a cold.  Anyway, I'm still pretty miserable, but in comparison to how I was feeling before it is SO much better so I feel like that is such a "Ray of Light."

Also, my dear friend Jen has been SUCH a "Ray of Light" to me.  She watched my boys nearly the entire day yesterday so I could get some uninterrupted sleep.  What a true godsend.  Thank you Jen!  And thank you to the many of you who offered to help as well.  It's such a blessing to know that you have friends and family who are there for you when you really need them, and not just people who offer because they feel like they "need to."

Thoughts on Easter

What an overwhelming moment captured so beautifully on canvas.  Could you imagine being Mary?  Here she believes that the body of the Lord that she loves so dearly has been taken and desecrated.  Although, the Savior rose Lazarus from the dead, the idea that the Savior, Himself,  could walk again was, I'm sure, far beyond the reaches of her imagination.  Even after seeing Him, she first assumed He was a gardener, again not realizing, or even hoping for, the possibility that her Lord might rise again.  

Then what joy must have filled her heart when realization dawned on her mind.  What faith she must have had to believe.  She witness the greatest of miracles.  He who once was dead, now lives.  My heart can only imagine the magnitude of her joy.  

The resurrection is truly a miracle among miracles, but I cannot think of Easter without thinking of the event mere days earlier.  The suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane:  The Atonement.

I have often pondered what this time might have been like for the Savior and I know I fail miserably to even come close.  I think even of my darkest moment, ones in which I felt as if I had been removed from the presence of God and they are far from close to what the Savior experienced.  

We read in Matthew 27:46, "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?  that is to say, My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?" Our Lord and Savior had to experience spiritual death.  He had to truly know what it must feel like to be removed from the presence of God, whereas, although my times have been dark, for me it was only as if I had been so.  Times that are so tremendously horrible that there are not even words for me to describe, He, our perfect example, had to endure more.

And then to imagine that He not only felt what I had felt, but "...he hath borne [the] griefs, and carried [the] sorrows" for all who were and ever would be (Isaiah 53:4).  The magnitude of that responsibility is beyond my power to comprehend.  And He did it willingly.  "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22: 42, Emphasis added).  He knew that He would be wracked with the torments of hell, but out of love for us, and even more importantly, out of love for His Father in Heaven, He suffered all.

So on this day where much of our thinking lays in candy and Easter bunnies and plastic eggs, may we pause, for at least a moment, to think about the true meaning behind this day.  May we realize that without His actions during His life, His birth--which we celebrate so grandly-- would be like merely any other. May we remember that it is because of Him that some day we may return to live with our Father in Heaven some day.  May we understand that because of Him we can know true happiness; we can know love.  May we stop to realize that without Him, all would be for naught.

He lives!  And because He lives, we will too!