A Distant Light

A Distant Light

by Marianne Anderson

The tunnel is long and dark

A tiny light afar I see.

Running and reaching

No brighter it gets.

Stumbling and falling

But still trying again.

Running and walking

The pace is slower now.

Still reaching and striving

But the light is still dim.

Wondering and hoping

But on me the glow does not fall.

Distant and disoriented

Is there still a light?

Lost and confused

In what way should I go?

Scared and small

Is there still hope?

Crying and praying

In the darkness lost.

Fear and aching

A new shroud makes.

Wanting yet retreating

New bonds now control.

Calling and hoping

But again lost, alone.

Pleading and reaching

No light to be found.

Gasping and clawing

No escape to be mine.

Desperate and dying

No alternative left.

Kneeling and submitting

My one last hope.

Awakening and breathing

Fresh air touches my lips.

Tentative and leery

Not ready to stand.

Groping and feeling

Not sure of support.

Hoping and praying

What's that I see?

Peering and pleading

Is that what I need?

Looking and leaning

Have I found my way?

Praising and crying

A distant light I see.

I'm not even sure if there is anyone out there still reading...I haven't exactly been regular in my posts lately. Needless to say the last several weeks have been nearly more than I can take. I think, and am praying that we're working toward a new answer. I hate to think what will happen if the light we're going toward now is not the right now.

Please keep me in your prayers. I know that in SO many ways I am very blessed, tremendously blessed. What's hard is when that doesn't seem to be enough. When the chemical balance in my body could care less hope much the Lord has given me, I find it so hard to move on. But HE is still there and HE will show me the light. Just pray that I can have strength to follow HIM.

Broken Things to Mend

I recently picked up a copy of Broken Things to Mend, a book written by Elder Holland.  I've wanted it for a while, but finally picked it up.  Even the quote from the back of the book has been so helpful.  It reads: 

"Just believing, just having a molecule of faith--that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair."

And as I read the dedication, I felt my eyes pool with tears:

"To all who feel that someone --or something--they love 
is irreparably broken or irretrievably lost.  
It is not."

So often I think that is how I feel.  I feel as if something "is irreparably broken or irretrievably lost."  It is such a dark place to be...so, so dark.  But then I read words like these and my eyes want to pool with tears of relief, thanks, and hope.  Here the Lord is speaking through one of His chosen servants straight to me.

With all my heart I believe that the Lord will speak to us individually, but how does that work when the receptors are broken.  How do you hear His call when in so many ways you are deaf to His words, paralyzed from His touch, and blind to His miracles.

I think for me, just purchasing and opening this book was my "molecule of faith."  So much else that I have been trying has fallen short of the mark.  So some little Ray of Light and inspiration from the Lord was able to peak through.  Able to break through the blinders of depression.  

The Savior has always said to "Come unto me," but so often I felt like, "Why would He even want me?  And am I even able to be fixed?"  

"Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now.  When He says to the poor in spirit, "Come unto me, " He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up.  He knows it because He has walked it.  He knows the way because He is the way."

He truly is the way.  In so many ways my life is "irreparably broken or irretrievably lost," but there is hope.

The lyrics to one of the most moving pieces I have every performed with a choir seem to fit SO well here:

And What is it We Shall Hope For

From The Redeemer

by Robert Cundick

based on Moroni 7:41, 48

And what is it we shall hope for?

We have hope through the atonement of Christ

And the power of His resurrection,

To be raised unto life eternal.

We shall pray unto the Father with all the energy of our hearts,

That we may be filled with His love,

Which He has bestowed on us who are true followers of the Lord, Jesus Christ.

That we may become the sons and daughters of God;

That when He shall appear, we shall be like Him;

For we shall see Him as He is!

That we may have this hope,

That we may be purified even as He is pure.

Amen.

Winter

Well, if I hadn't figured it out by the temperature, the snow falling was definitely a strong indication that winter has arrived. Yes, it looks like it will warm up again, but none the less, winter is upon us and I'm worried.

Living in the South for the last 3 winters has made me weak. I don't do cold and snow very well. It really helps my mood to be able to get outdoors. I also thrive on natural light. Even rainy days are really hard on me (yes, that's coming from a girl that grew up in Western Washington...boy how I've changed!). I'm trying to keep rational and not freak out, but the more and more I think about winter, the more worried I become...especially if we repeat Utah's last winter!

I want to make it through this winter without crashing. I'd love ANY suggestions you have on avoiding cabin fever. I know most of you that read this site don't have depression, but that doesn't mean that your suggestions won't help. Please send your ideas!

Recalibration

Somewhere inside me I found a ray of light...an ounce of hope.

I am not an outsider! Satan cannot win this battle!

Over and over the phrases, "Get the hence Satan!" and "I will not let you win!" swirl in my mind.

My boys do miss me, but I'm just blessed enough that they don't fault me for it. Ryan was sweet enough to let me rest. He is such a tremendous husband to spend as much time as possible playing with them.

I need to reevaluate. I need to rebalance. I need to recalibrate.

My reality is that things will be going fine one minute and then the next I'll be on the ground, not sure what sent me there. I can wallow in my own misery and allow Satan to pollute my mind, but what good would that do? I would only be more miserable...exactly how he'd want me.

I do have a choice. It is harder than almost anything I've had to do, but it is a choice none the less and I want to win. I don't want to surrender to the darkness. So I'll reset my sites. Change my plan of action. Take things one day at a time. Recalibrate.

Ray of Light- To See Me

Today Ryan sent me the following link:
http://www.visionimpressions.com/poems/tosee.htm

For those of you that don't actually want to go to that site, here's the poem that is on it. If you do go to the site there is a beautiful picture and some music associated with it. As well as some additional dialogue about depression.

To See Me

by Deb Montgomery

So long...looking into the mirror

I saw only a reflection of an image,

a stranger looking back at me.

When looking into my eyes,

I saw only an emptiness, a void.

Beneath those eyes were many fears,

fears of pain,

fears of sorrow,

feelings of no hope.

How could I not know this face before me,

as I stood looking at the image in the mirror?

Where was this person that I used to be,

why couldn't I see?

Turning again looking into the mirror,

I saw my life,

one that had gone out

like a candle being extinguished.

All my pride,

my joy,

my hopes,

my desires,

my passion,

all was gone.

What reflected back from that mirror

was a stranger looking back at me.

Standing there feeling so alone,

lost and confused,

the fear set in, where was this person

I called ME?

Walking away from that image,

never wanting to look again,

my life continued on.

Over time I found myself looking in

that mirror again.

Yet this time when I looked,

what reflected back to me

was a face, my face,

my eyes filled with hope,

a burning love,a pride of being me,

a passion for living.

No longer a darkness did I see,

for out of my eyes a light was shining,

a reflection of ME!

For you see

I was no longer a stranger

to Me!

Yet there still is that pain deep within,

that pain has taken on

a new meaning in my life.

Through the tears

and

countless hours of feeling alone,

those hours I screamed out and no one heard

slowly through that pain and confusion

emerged the real me.

It took all those disappointments and life hurts

to make me stop

and look at the real Me!!

No longer am I just an image in a mirrorI

am a reflection of my life,

those hurts,

those joys,

that hope,

that burning passion,

that endless love.

I see now the true image

the image of Me!

I don't think I need to say much more. Deb Montgomery has so well captured what I am feeling. I don't believe I'm quite to the point of seeing the "real" me, but I'm on my way...and that is what hope is all about.

My First Ray of Hope

I had a CRAZY freshman year experience, but from that my apartment and the one next door have become such good friends. To this day (over 8 years later) we have an online forum where we keep in touch from literally all over the country and from time to time all over the world. I love our forum. It has been such a blessing to me in so many ways, but the most amazing blessing came after I mentioned my continued struggle with depression.

One of my sweet friends, Natalie, hadn't realized I was still struggling. Some might say by chance, but I say through the hand of the Lord, Natalie was guided to rereading a book she hadn't picked up for years...The Ultimate Career. There was one chapter entitled, When Illness Strikes Home: One Woman's Story of Depression that she felt inspired to share with me.

It was nothing short of a Godsend! It was exactly what I needed at a TREMENDOUSLY difficult time. Elaine, the woman in the story, shared how she had been diagnosed with depression 14 years earlier. What first drew me into the story was her description of her struggle with depression...I felt like I could have written the description myself.

An aside...I think it is very important to understand that depression comes in many different forms. I know I don't understand them all, but not everyone experiences it the same way I do. Some have more anxiety, some get more moody and angry, but I got low...and I mean SUPER LOW!

I just felt SO thankful to hear of someone suffering to the same extent I had...again, not happy she had suffered, but thankful to not be alone.

She shared how she had struggled, but even more importantly she shared how she had coped.

There were SO many wonderful things that she listed. I was HIGHLY recommend anyone struggling with depression to pick up this book and read the chapter. But let me share with you the ideas that were most meaningful to me.

Scripture Study: This is something SO hard for me right now. In general, scripture study is hard for most people, but I have dyslexia as well...so comprehension is already hard to come by, then add the language of the scriptures to that and it's just plain hard. But then add depression to that and it feels nearly impossible.

So often I feel like my mind is in a fog. When I try to think quietly I feel like someone inside my head is flipping stations on the radio...there is NEVER any calm. I feel like I'm constantly fighting to focus. So you can imagine how difficult that would make trying to read and glean ANYTHING from the scriptures.

Elaine suggested topical study vs. reading chapter to chapter. I've heard of that before and even done it before, but it just didn't click to do it now. So I tried it. Oh, my goodness! I seriously felt like a whole new world had been opened up to me. For some reason not having to guess the topic of what I was reading and really being able to spend several days on one topic made a world of difference for me. I felt like I was reading some verses for the first time. I really had whole new eyes. It was such a weight off my shoulders.

She specifically mentioned starting with a study of faith (for obvious reasons) and that was PERFECT for me. There is SO much to be said about faith that I'll dedicate several other posts to what I learned.

Love: For this topic, I'm going to quote a chapter from the book:

"Another time, during a low moment when I was feeling particularly distraught, I said to Mark [her husband], 'I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me.' He looked at me as if I had hit him. ' We are in this together!' he exclaimed. 'I would never leave you, I love you,' he declared as he gave me a hug. 'Wouldn't you do the same for me if things were reversed? Honey, we are in this together.' Well, of course, I would not leave him and, of course, I would take care of him if he were sick..." (The Ultimate Career, pg. 159)

I had had those VERY same feelings on countless occasions. I seriously felt like Ryan would have every right in the world to leave me. I felt like all I was doing was creating more work for him and dragging him down. Somehow reading the words Elaine's husband told her, made everything Ryan had tried to assure me of, so much more real. I knew it then, and I know with all my heart now, that he's in it for the long haul and the LAST thing he'd think of doing is to kick me when I'm down, by deserting me.

An aside, sadly I know this is not the reality for everyone. I honestly thank my Lord EVERY day that I was blessed with such and understanding a wonderful husband. I'm sure there are days when it is really hard, but thankfully the love that we have for each other runs so much deeper than depression can ever truly touch.

Natalie was a Godsend (on more than one occasion) and this chapter was a Godsend. Together they were one of the first real rays of hope in the darkness I called my life.