Slow Days

Boy, if you ever wanted to know when I'm having "slow days" you've just got to look at the holes in my postings!

So yeah, the last few days have been pretty hard. In a lot of ways I was all over the map. I'd feel great one day, down the next, great the following, and then back down again. Today I'm back to a good day (maybe not great, but good).

Thankfully even my "slow days" these days aren't nearly as bad as some I've had, but it's still hard and frustrating none the less. I'm still on myself because I can't get as much done as I'd like...well maybe it would be better to say, I'm still frustrated that I can't do as much as I once could. I know it's my reality, but it doesn't mean it isn't still hard.

I'm definitely continuing on the uphill hike, but we're still very much in a 2 steps forward, 1 step (or maybe even 1 1/2 steps) back. The progress is slow, but still in a positive direction.

I think I need to sing my "Dory" song a little more often.

Up and Ready!

I've heard many people say there is power in getting up and getting ready first thing each morning. I agree with that like 75%. :)

I have found that getting ready each day has made a HUGE difference in how I feel. I do have to be realistic and realize that I may not get the "first thing each morning" part of the suggestion, but I do get ready EACH day. I've found that even if I don't get ready until 4 or 5 pm (sad, but it does happen some times) it still makes a difference.

When I look at myself right after getting out of bed, well to say the least, I'm not a huge fan of what I see. I'm not down grading myself, but like most people, I don't love my "morning look." If I continue on like that all day, then I just never feel good about myself. I used to do the pony tail thing ALL the time, but it really wasn't a good look for me.

***An Aside: I have NO problem with pony tails. Many people look lovely in them,

but trust me, pony tails on me are for exercising or working out in the yard...not my best look. Also, for me it is totally a cop out. That's why I have short hair, that's not even an option I'm going to give myself because I know I'd get lazy and just not do it. Then all of my effort to actually get ready would really only be for odor removal.***

For me, getting ALL THE WAY ready is what makes the biggest difference. I think then I'm also taking the chance to show myself that I'm worth it and that I can look good.

So my biggest "blues buster" is getting ready: shower, hair, make-up and all!

Patience...what's that?!

Oh, today! What can I say, it was a pretty slow day in some ways in and others a good day. To start off with, I didn't go back to sleep and I accomplished a lot before getting Bradley to preschool. During preschool I ran some errands and by the time I got home, I was done, just plain done.

I suppose it's not the end of the world, but I do find it frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself and my sometimes VERY limited abilities, but on days like today I just get frustrated.

Sure shopping can be a pain, but normally (even my new modified w/ depression normal) I can shop during preschool and then be fine (especially since I only have to take one kid).

And again, maybe it was just so hard because not only was I done, but I was REALLY low. Seriously if my boys wouldn't have needed me, then I would have just curled up on the couch. I hate it because I get this listless feeling and I just want to curl up and have everything go away. I don't feel like I can handle even minor everyday things.

Thankfully I was blessed and so I'm feeling at least better (maybe done, but not stuck in darkness). I guess I really need to have one of my changed expectations be that I'm really going to have good days and slow days, and it doesn't matter if I could do the same thing yesterday and be fine, I just have to take each day for what it's worth.

BLAH! Maybe some day I'll get there...

Ray of Light

I kept moving!

Oh, my goodness, I think today was the hardest day yet (well out of the 3 I've been doing it) to get up and stay up. But through nothing short of the strength of the Lord I was able to keep moving. I read my scriptures at the table instead of on the couch...really I've done everything possible to not look at the couch...out of sight out of mind, right? And it's working! It's nearly 4pm and I haven't napped yet, phew! I think I can make it!

I hope others are finding these Rays of Light inspiring because it is sure making a difference in my life. As I originally mentioned, the more you make a point of noticing the little (and sometimes HUGE) blessings in your life, the more grateful you feel overall. We are truly SO blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father who is truly aware of what we need and what we're feeling. I am blessed!

Just Like Dory!

Many days, these last three days particularly (as I mentioned in other posts, Bradley started preschool this week and so I have to be up and going much sooner than I'd been letting myself do in the past while) I find myself having to say, "Keep Moving! DO NOT sit down! You may be slow, but at least you're moving!" When I'm feeling a bit more goofy, I find myself thinking, "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! What do we do we swim, swim, swim!" (Like Dory from Finding Nemo) As dumb as it may sound, it really helps.

SO Often, I just want to crash on the couch after getting up...it's definitely the easier thing to do, but I'm always SO upset that I didn't get anything done. So despite the exhaustion I feel, overall I'm much happier if I just keep moving. Sometimes I seriously have to muster ALL of the motivation and energy I've got to keep moving, but again, it's always worth it. And sometimes I've even made a point of praying to be able to keep moving. I suppose that's active faith, to prayer for help in being proactive in getting what I believe is best for me (learning to work with the depression, not be defined by it.)

I first read this idea in The Ultimate Career, but it didn't sink in then. Thankfully I had it in the back of my mind to really help me now.