Ray of Light- Halloween

In some ways it seems kind of ironic that I'd have Halloween down as a "Ray of Light." For many, Halloween conjurers images that have nothing to do with light...but not at our house.

We really enjoy Halloween, but not for the dark, scary, or sinister side, but for the costumes, kids, and candy side. My 2 darling boys were crayons this year (yes, I did recycle last year's costumes, but if they still fit, why not?!). In true 2 year old form, Braeden wouldn't wear his hat, so he was a pointless crayon, but they still looked cute nonetheless.

At first Braeden wanted nothing to do with his costume. He even had 2 other occasions to wear his costume and even when many other kids were wearing theirs (commonly motivation for him to do things...good old peer pressure), he still refused (literally kicking and screaming) to wear his. I suppose it's all about proper motivation...chocolate. We just had to ask him if he wanted to get chocolate...which being my son, he naturally did...but we told him it was conditional on wearing his costume. Let's just say the crayon outfit was looking pretty good about then.

Armed with a red and navy crayon, we set out to pound the pavement in search of chocolate. Bradley, being 4, was a natural. He was all about knocking/ringing to get the goods and without much practice Braeden was right there with him. And when they were later joined by another friend Braden (my friend Susanna 2 year old son) the 3 of them made quite the team.

This is where I really think my "Ray of Light" comes in...the excitement in their eyes. No, it's not some noble act that inspired them, but it is something that I think is part of every happy childhood. I remember the excitement and anticipation of Halloween. I loved it. And how simple and sweet is their amusement. Candy isn't some huge event, but being the sweet children they are, enough to light up their whole month, let alone the evening of procuring the candy.

Then after tromping home (with little Braeden literally dragging his bag...he wouldn't let me help him carry it), we sat down to dinner. With our children's early bedtime, we went and finished earlier than most so we obviously didn't eat dinner in peace...but that made it all the more fun. Both my boys were so excited each time someone came to the door. Bradley was especially excited about being the "candy sorter" (i.e. the giver of candy). Again, this was another simple act that placed the light and joy of anticipation in their eyes. How sweet that they were as excited to share candy with others as they were to receive their own.

Often, as I look at my situation, I think about children and how little things amuse them. When I stop to get excited about the little things, I find my life much more fulfilling. How would it be if we were all more easily amused by what life has to offer...I think we'd have a far less cynical and depressing world.

Now don't get my wrong...the chocolate involved in the night's events did contribute to my happiness (yes, I'm amused by chocolate too), but again, the biggest sense of satisfaction came in the excitement and light in their eyes. That sweet and simple anticipation characteristic of our most precious gift...children.

Ray of Light

I think I've mentioned it before, but I've recently moved into this home. Transitions are always hard, but especially when you move to a neighborhood where you don't know anyone. I've been trying my best to get to know people through church and what not, but even still that can be hard.

In the last area I lived they had this great program called "Music Makers." It was a great "Mom & Me" activity focused on music, movement, and finger plays. My boys LOVED it. I thought it would be perfect to start up here, not to mention be a great way to get to know other moms in my neighborhood.

I prepped and sent out flyers, but only had like 2 people respond. After about a week another one joined in. I was getting a little nervous, especially since one of the families will be moving next month and that would leave us down to just 3 moms. I suppose if we were always able to attend that would be okay, but I was really hoping for a few more.

Then today I was able to invite 2 moms, also new to the area to join. It's silly, but it made me so happy. I think that's the perfect number of participants. It gives us plenty of kids in the group, not to mention plenty of moms to help lead each different activity. YAY! I'm just so happy.

In a lot of ways I feel like my prayers have been answered. I've really been praying to feel more integrated into my new area and it felt like my efforts weren't really working out. I suppose just like everything, you just need to be patient and have faith (again, active faith...I was trying different things to get to know people, not just waiting for them to come to me) and things really do work out.

Ray of Light

Yesterday evening I had the opportunity to go outlet shopping with some of my friends from the ward. Ryan wasn't able to watch the boys and so my parents were graciously willing to come watch my 2 kiddos. It was so nice to be able to get out and not have to worry about them. And to top that all off, they were great for my parents. YAY! That's made today a lot better.

Ray of Light

Today's Ray isn't something unique to today, but it is something that I was reminded of again today. I took my kiddos into the doctor for their yearly well check and they're as fit as can be. I just feel SO blessed to have 2 beautiful and healthy kids. What a blessing.

Stop Pretending

These past few days (well almost as week) have been CRAZY! Some just plain busy, but others I've just been REALLY tired (probably because of the busy days). Thankfully I haven't been SUPER down, but when I'm tired, I just don't have enough energy to blog.

Yesterday night (when I should have been sleeping) I read this book:

I equally loved and hated this book. I loved it because it did such a great job of capturing what mental illness is and can be, especially to family members and I hated it for the same reason.

The basic premise is about a 13 year old girl watching her sister struggle with Bipolar Disorder (she calls it Manic-Depressive disorder...same thing as Bipolar). She shares her fears, her hopes, and her frustrations. I think what haunts me most, is when she worries that it is her fault. Yes, since she's 13 I'm sure to a certain extent she knows that it isn't her fault and couldn't be, but at the same time, we really don't know what triggers something like this and so that idea worries her. It's just so real.

I worry that Bradley (my 4 year old) might think he's contributing to my depression. I just killed me when he told me one day, "Mom, it's okay. We'll just go downstairs and play and you can rest." Sure a certain level of my was SO proud that my sweet little boy could be so sensitive, but the other part of me was dying to know that he was having to be grown up enough to understand that. Am I robbing my boys of their childhood? I know I could do a lot more with them, but I usually don't have the emotional energy to do it. In some ways I'm hoping that Bradley was young enough when this all started that he really hasn't noticed a change, but then in other ways, how sad to think that he's never really known his mom and neither had Braeden for that matter.

I try to stay up beat and not let things like this occupy my mind...they only make it worse. Usually I'm pretty successful in my attempts. But books like this really get to me. They also make me realize just how carefully I need to act around my boys to give them the best chance at coming through this "normally."

Ray of Light

Okay, so if you've read my previous post you'll understand that today has been a harder day. I have to admit, I'm having a harder time coming up with a "Ray of Light." I know it's never that they're not there, but I think I'm wearing dark glasses so I don't notice them as much. And sometimes I think I'm even covering my eyes because I don't want to see them...Is that weird?

I really hate it how sometimes I just want to feel bad and down in the dumps. Of course there is part of me that wonders why I'm so crazy, but then the other part (I suppose the "natural man*" part) of me, the one that seems to be in control at these times, just shouts and drowns out my rational side. Arrrrr.....

But I do have a "Ray of Light" (I probably should spend a lot more time looking for them on days like today...yeah, we'll work on that.) I think it's that I didn't allow myself to be completely encompassed in the dark. I could have. It definitely would have been easier, but thankfully I have my sweet children to help give me motivation. So I guess right there I have 3 "Rays of Light" (1. I didn't get caught in the darkness, 2. Bradley, & 3. Braeden)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Natural Man: See also Born Again, Born of God; Carnal; Fall of Adam and Eve
A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man.

The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit, 1 Cor. 2: 14. The natural man is an enemy to God and should be put off, Mosiah 3: 19. He that persists in his own carnal nature remaineth in his fallen state, Mosiah 16: 5 (Alma 42: 7-24; D&C 20: 20). What natural man is there that knoweth these things? Alma 26: 19-22. Natural or carnal men are without God in the world, Alma 41: 11. Because of his transgression, man became spiritually dead, D&C 29: 41. Neither can any natural man abide the presence of God, D&C 67: 12. And man began to be carnal, sensual, and devilish, Moses 5: 13 (Moses 6: 49). (from www.scriptures.lds.org)

Ray of Light

So let me catch you up on a few "Rays of Light" from the weekend.

*First on Friday night I got to actually GO OUT with Ryan and some friends and it wasn't even our anniversary (heck, since that happened the weekend before we actually WENT OUT 2 weekends in a row...it's a new post-kids record).

*Saturday I got to go get my hair cut. I was holding out attempting to grow it out, yeah...didn't happen. I just couldn't deal with the "growing" pains (okay, yes, the pun was intended). It was just really nice to again, have some quiet time to do something for me.

*Sunday we had the opportunity to attend another ward where Ryan was privileged to speak to their youth (12-18 years of age) about a few tidbits he felt would make the biggest difference in their lives at this time. I was SO proud of him...I always am, but I love watching him teach...he's so good at it. I was also so pleased that I could be there...often that is not the case.

*And today, Monday, since it's the holiday (sadly not for my husband, but for everyone else) we didn't have any commitments that we had to meet, so we took it easy this morning...and not just because I was having a slow day. I got to rest on the couch while holding Braeden and watching Elmo's World. I helped Bradley play with his lacing cards. And I'm currently listening to the boys laugh at each other while they're supposed to be eating lunch. I really am blessed to have 2 wonderful children and to have the opportunity to stay home with them.

Expectation Manipulation

With my change in reality had to come a change in expectations.

The first expectation that of course had to change was my belief that the depression was going to go away. Again, I still very much have the hope that I can become more stable, but I don't think I'm going to wake up one morning and everything is suddenly better. Sure it would be nice, but totally unrealistic and therefore totally unhealthy for me to think that way.

A HUGE change in expectations had to happen in relation to what I felt I could accomplish each day, or rather how much I had to accomplish to feel good about myself. I just kept believing that I should hold myself to the same standard of productivity that I had once been able to accomplish. Even since the depression started I really pushed myself to keep up with my perceived acceptable level of productivity. And in all reality the only thing that came from that was less productivity...I'd push too hard and then crash and be even less able to accomplish what I felt I should be able to do.

Along with expecting myself to be as productive as I once was, I was still trying to compare myself with other moms. I remember very distinctly going over to one of my friend's homes. She had just given birth to her 3rd child...less than 2 week prior. As I often do, especially post depression, I was sure to ask her how she was feeling...both physically and emotionally. As you might expect, she said she was doing fine. Plenty of people tell you what they think you want to hear, or what they should say, but this wasn't the case with this friend. I knew her well enough to know that she was being honest. Not to mention the fact that she looked FABULOUS (i.e. showered, hair & makeup done, and really just radiant) and it was before 10 am!

I remember having a tiny panic attack. Through heavy breathing I thought, "Oh, my goodness! How can she do it?! I didn't feel that good at 2 weeks with either child and she has THREE kids. That's supposed to be the hardest number! I just can't do it! What's wrong with me?!"

You might say, "Well her situation was different." Sure every one's is different, but in a lot of ways she was in the same boat as I was. She had recently moved to the area, they were only going to be in the area for a year, she was away from family and friends, etc. The one glaring difference...she didn't have depression.

I was crushed. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just wanted to feel capable again. Heaven forbid, I didn't feel as good as she looked and my baby 18 months! I knew then that I had to change, but my expectations were skewed and so I wasn't truly able to change at that time.

So now I look at things very differently. Now don't think I'm so good that I've been able to never compare myself...Yeah, not seeing that one happening ANY time soon...but I do it less...a lot less. I realize that my sweet neighbor with 4 kids, the oldest being 4 has a different life than me. I can't even imagine what state I'd be in if I had the same configuration of kids, but that's okay.

I've had to set more realistic goals for each day. Truly right now for me to get up and not go back to sleep on the couch is a MAJOR accomplishment.

An aside, I wish I could describe to you the intensity of the urge to curl up and sleep. Since making this last move that has been one of THE HARDEST things I've had to deal with. To put it in Freudian terms* (and I'm not talking about Freud and sexual things) it's like my Id was SCREAMING at me to sleep while my Super-Ego knew I shouldn't, but it's protests didn't matter. It was like my Super-Ego was on mute and my Id had hijacked my Ego, so there was just no other option.

Exercising, reading my scriptures, praying, showering, and feeding my family constitute an EXCELLENT day.

I realize that I just plain DO NOT have the energy I used to and like I said before, if I push it, I pay for it in even less productivity. I have to be VERY stingy with my energy. I have to pace myself and according to how I was before depression, I can give about 50%. I admit it still frustrates me, but I'm doing better to realize that it's my reality and to push against it only makes things worse.

I've also had to change my expectations for my children. I would LOVE to be able to teach them all sorts of things or to spend hours and hours playing with them, but sadly I can't. I'm sure Bradley could be reading, but likely won't until school...we'll just have to see if I can muster the energy before that or not. I try to give them as much time as I can so I've tried to pick activities that will give me the most bang for my buck. And then I make sure I tell them I love them and give them lots of hugs and I have to hope for the best. sure I could probably help them reach higher goals, but right now that is just not realistic for me.

I also had unrealistically wonderful dreams for how life would be after Ryan was done with school. I just figured things would be so much easier. We'd finally have a real paycheck, Ryan would have so much time to spend with me, and life would just be peaches and cream...uh, wrong!

Sure we had a real paycheck coming in, but more bills and financial responsibilities than ever before. Ryan was done with school, but officially he was ABD (All But Dissertation) so he's had to spend MANY hours on that. He loves his job, but he is away from home a lot on Monday & Tuesday (usually 7:20am - 9:00pm or later)...so that means I play single mom on those days. I knew the whole moving transition would be hard, but I'd set myself up for post-graduate school life being this wonderful land of milk and honey, that I fell flat on my face when reality hit.

So now I'm more realistic about that. Yes, we finally have money to actually SAVE and pay back those lovely student loans, but there still aren't a lot of extras. But at least we're moving up in the world and not continuing to create more dept!

Now that Ryan sent in his final copy of his dissertation for binding...hallelujah...his time is a little more free in the evenings. Sure, he's still busy at work most days and often has to take calls when he's "off," but I'm SO thankful I get him as often as I do. And maybe some women get their husbands physically home for more time, but not emotionally home. I get Ryan emotionally and mentally home 100% when he's physically home.

Again, the move was hard, but now we have our own home. Darling little first time home that might even end up being a good enough forever home. The previous owners took wonderful care of it and we have a cute yard that has plenty of room for everything we need...not to mention a great park across the street.

Really our little post-graduate life is great...not what I expected...but great!

Children...this is something I've always wanted in life. Thankfully I've been blessed with 2 darling, energy-packed little boys. They have honestly been life savers to me. I feel tremendously blessed that the Lord loved and trusted Ryan and I enough to be their parents. But I expected more.

Not more from my sons, but more children in general. Many of you reading this might say, "Lady are you crazy?! Two kids is more than enough!" Or others might feel, "How can you even say that?! I've tried desperately to have children and have never been blessed with any. Be thankful for what you have!"

Both of those comments definitely hold weight, but they still don't change the fact that my expectation was to have a larger family.

Ryan and I are both one of eight children. We're used to the craziness and fun. We love getting together for reunions. There are kids everywhere and we laugh and have a great time. We wanted that for our own children. Again, others might say, "Well then have more." That doesn't appear to be our reality.

We aren't set in stone on this, but through much prayer we both really feel that our little family will likely end here. I could explain all of the reasons, but every time I do, I feel like people give me some excuse or way around things. This is a decision between Ryan, the Lord, and me and right now the answer we seem to be getting is to be done.

We would welcome new additions to our family and so we will always be open to the possibility, but right now, just like I have to live with the idea that there might never be an advancement in mental health treatment, I have to accept my family as it is. I have cried many times and mourned the loss of the children I wanted. I have mourned the loss of large family gatherings for my 2 boys. I have cried because I didn't have enough in me to give to more sweet spirits from our Father in Heaven. But I have also found peace.

*****************************

In all of these areas, and many more, my life and expectations have had to change. Would I have ever guessed my life would be where it is 10 years ago? Of course not. But in the same thought I can't help but say that I wouldn't want it to change either.

This has been such a TREMENDOUS time of learning. I can't wait to see what else I can learn. I know for a fact that my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ are carrying me through this storm. I have grown so much closer to Them and I'm truly learning to trust Them. We are not asked to muddle through this life alone. There is ALWAYS someone there for us. All you have to do is ask. They truly are the light. The light in my darkness and they can be the light in yours.





*Freudian terms:Id, ego, and super-ego are the three parts of the "psychic apparatus" defined in Freud's structural model of the psyche; they are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction mental life is described. According to this model, the uncoordinated instinctual trends are the "id"; the organised realistic part of the psyche is the "ego," and the critical and moralizing function the "super-ego." - Wikipedia

2 kids are harder than 1

My mother came and went. My husband returned to work and his Ph.D. program. The dinners and visits stopped coming. My life was a whirlwind of nursing, diaper changing, and chasing Bradley, my 2 year old. Sleep was an unfulfilled dream. I'd snatch an hour or two here or there, but I never left the state of exhaustion.

I admit I wondered why I was so worn out, but then again, I'd never had two children. Two is harder than one, right? Millions of women on the earth at that very moment had at least two children and with more and they were still functioning and functioning well.

I didn't know how to ask for help...that's not something a "real women" has to do, right? I was so mixed up in this world of supposed dos and don'ts. I was the one that everyone came to for help and advice. I was the strong one...or so I thought.

Inside I was slowly dying.

Each day my stamina would decrease. The exhaustion was taking over and things weren't getting easier like they were supposed to.

In the past I would spend hours filling Bradley's mind. He has always been eager to learn and I secretly prided myself for fostering his above age level intelligence. Before Braeden's birth I had prepared all sorts of fun games and activities to do with Bradley. I wanted him to know he was still right there at the top of my priorities list...he just had to share the room a little bit more.

Braeden turned 3 months.

My delivery scars had long since healed, but my emotional ones were more infected and sore than ever.

My daily routine was feed my boys and lie on the couch until Ryan would come home from school to take over. Showers were too much effort and were only taken to keep some level of cleanliness. Our once bright and open apartment was usually dark behind pulled blinds. Bradley was learning and growing in his TV watching and GameCube playing skills...not exactly what I had planned for my smart little boy.

While I was lost in my own darkness, my husband was standing by watching the decent. I was breaking his heart. He was in the middle of his Ph.D. studies to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. He knew what was happening, but I couldn't hear his pleas that I get help.

"The kind of people that needed medicine and therapy had a problem, I was just tired. You know at least you don't have to be home with the boys all day." I'd often respond.

How hypocritical I was. I really thought I was above such help. I could barely even appreciate the marvelous work that my husband did for so many people.

"And honestly, how much could someone really help anyone. What good is talking about it? I talk to you about my problems all the time and that hasn't changed them."

How those words must have stung. Could I have been more insensitive?

Then a bittersweet event occurred...my long sick Grandfather passed away. How could we afford to go on a graduate student budget? I told my parents we just weren't going to be able to make it. My parents graciously offered to pay our way. I felt panicked.

Money was no longer the obstacle, but going without Ryan seemed like I was being asked to walk the 2000 miles with my boys on my back.

There was no way on such short notice that Ryan could break away from his CRAZY schedule. I cried and pleaded for him to come. I knew it made no sense, but I didn't know if I could handle it on my own.

I love my family dearly, but there had been some tough things in the past and I always relied on Ryan to pull me through our visits. How could he expect me to go to such an emotionally charged event by myself. I was frustrated. I was mad. I was hurt. I was irrational.

Finally in a moment of divine help I accepted going with Braeden and leaving Bradley home...2 kids was more than I could handle. The trip was rough, but everything turned out alright, but something needed to change.

By this point I could no longer accept that there was nothing wrong. I was barely functioning. Most of the housework was put on Ryan's willing shoulders, not to mention any real quality time with the kids, oh and of course his course work, private counseling, and BUSY church responsibilities.

I finally heard the music and made a tearful call to my OB's office. They prescribed a low level of Zoloft and scheduled a follow up appointment 2 weeks later.

...I had Postpartum depression.