1 year later...

Today, Mother's Day, is an interesting day for me.  Mother's Day last year I was traveling from North Carolina to Utah.  We were in the middle of the mountains in West Virginia when I totaled our car.  Luckily no one was hurt, but I think that day has still left a stain on our lives.  I suppose it is kind of a bittersweet memory.  We were blessed SO much by a dear couple that we had never met and even since then we have been blessed by our association with them.  But aside from the list of blessings that surrounded this event, I think it still was a catalyst for a downward spiral.  

In many ways I think it was the last straw on the camels back and made what would have been hard (moving), REALLY hard.  Both Ryan and I were really strapped in so many ways.  The past 3 years, although great in many ways, were also very taxing.  We had been to hell and back in so many ways.

I admit I'm emotionally tired enough right now that I don't have the mental energy to be eloquent.  I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that Mother's Day is a mixed emotional bag for me.  My husband and sons have been great and I SO appreciate their love and attention.  But I feel torn because part of me is reliving the feelings and stresses of a year ago.  

The mind and the heart are mysterious...

Finding the ray of light in the darkness...

I am exhausted!  Just plain exhausted.  I'm exhausted physically.  I am exhausted mentally (i.e. at first I was thinking physically was spelled with an 'f').  I'm exhausted emotionally.  I'm just not sure how I'll be able to pull together the strength I need to even do simple things like warm up hot dogs for the boys.

I was doing pretty well the last little while, but today was the last straw.  We woke up and Bradley had a temperature for 103 degrees.  No, that's not astronomically high and plenty of kids get sick every day, but this will make 6 weeks straight of at least one member of our family being sick.  I'M JUST SO TIRED OF IT!  

Part of me feels very ungrateful.  None of these sicknesses have been more than a week or so, but at the same time, they've meant that I'm cooped up inside (not so much from being outdoors...which does make a difference...but from doing things with other people).  One of the major coping techniques I've been using to fight my depression has been scheduled social activities.  And with every week of sickness more of those go out the window.  It really put me into a rut today.  So as I'm trying to crawl my way back out before my Young Women's activity tonight I thought I'd try to search for some Rays of Light.  They're always there and they always help.

*I'm finally feeling well enough after the flu I had last week that I don't dread going to sleep.

*It's sunny outside

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class turned out well.

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class are all out of the house now...phew!

*I got my grocery shopping done before Bradley got sick.

*I was feeling well enough (barely, but well enough all the same) to go to my brothers graduation last weekend.

*It's Wednesday so I was able to talk to my husband for a bit (on Monday & Tuesday he's out of cell phone range.)

*My boys are playing (with minimal fighting) downstairs.

*My Internet is working again (it wasn't this morning).

*I have a home.  One that the previous owners took GREAT care of!  Thank you!

*I married the man of my dreams...seriously!

*I have 2 beautiful and generally speaking, healthy boys.

*Ryan has a job that provides well enough to allow me to stay at home.

*I have amazing friends.

*I can email, and shop, and get on facebook, and blogger, and SO many other things online!

*I'm literate...it would be a SAD day for me if I couldn't read.

*I can pray and there is really someone there listening and answering.

*I can have a bum day today and have the power to start over tomorrow.

*I finally got my lawn aerated and he even fertilized for only an extra $5.

*We found our elliptical for only $50 and it's be SO good for me...I actually should have a date with it in a few minutes.

*Although I'm constantly fighting my weight, I have a healthy body that I don't have to constantly be "fixing" at the doctors.

*I have a great depression support group (DBSA).

*I have a college education.

*I never have to take another college class in my life, but I can if I want to.

*I have DVR (I know it sounds dumb, but I LOVE it...NO MORE COMMERCIALS!)

I could go on and on, but I should probably go fix those hot dogs.  But thanks for all of you that will read this post.  I don't know that just writing it for myself would be enough.  Thanks to you, too, for being a Ray of Light.

Ray of Light

Phew...the last few days have been CRAZY!  I've had as Ryan calls it the "Attila the Hun" of flus/colds.  It has really kicked me in the behind.  I seldom get that knocked down by a cold.  Anyway, I'm still pretty miserable, but in comparison to how I was feeling before it is SO much better so I feel like that is such a "Ray of Light."

Also, my dear friend Jen has been SUCH a "Ray of Light" to me.  She watched my boys nearly the entire day yesterday so I could get some uninterrupted sleep.  What a true godsend.  Thank you Jen!  And thank you to the many of you who offered to help as well.  It's such a blessing to know that you have friends and family who are there for you when you really need them, and not just people who offer because they feel like they "need to."

Thoughts on Easter

What an overwhelming moment captured so beautifully on canvas.  Could you imagine being Mary?  Here she believes that the body of the Lord that she loves so dearly has been taken and desecrated.  Although, the Savior rose Lazarus from the dead, the idea that the Savior, Himself,  could walk again was, I'm sure, far beyond the reaches of her imagination.  Even after seeing Him, she first assumed He was a gardener, again not realizing, or even hoping for, the possibility that her Lord might rise again.  

Then what joy must have filled her heart when realization dawned on her mind.  What faith she must have had to believe.  She witness the greatest of miracles.  He who once was dead, now lives.  My heart can only imagine the magnitude of her joy.  

The resurrection is truly a miracle among miracles, but I cannot think of Easter without thinking of the event mere days earlier.  The suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane:  The Atonement.

I have often pondered what this time might have been like for the Savior and I know I fail miserably to even come close.  I think even of my darkest moment, ones in which I felt as if I had been removed from the presence of God and they are far from close to what the Savior experienced.  

We read in Matthew 27:46, "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?  that is to say, My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?" Our Lord and Savior had to experience spiritual death.  He had to truly know what it must feel like to be removed from the presence of God, whereas, although my times have been dark, for me it was only as if I had been so.  Times that are so tremendously horrible that there are not even words for me to describe, He, our perfect example, had to endure more.

And then to imagine that He not only felt what I had felt, but "...he hath borne [the] griefs, and carried [the] sorrows" for all who were and ever would be (Isaiah 53:4).  The magnitude of that responsibility is beyond my power to comprehend.  And He did it willingly.  "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22: 42, Emphasis added).  He knew that He would be wracked with the torments of hell, but out of love for us, and even more importantly, out of love for His Father in Heaven, He suffered all.

So on this day where much of our thinking lays in candy and Easter bunnies and plastic eggs, may we pause, for at least a moment, to think about the true meaning behind this day.  May we realize that without His actions during His life, His birth--which we celebrate so grandly-- would be like merely any other. May we remember that it is because of Him that some day we may return to live with our Father in Heaven some day.  May we understand that because of Him we can know true happiness; we can know love.  May we stop to realize that without Him, all would be for naught.

He lives!  And because He lives, we will too!

At least we know...

Well sadly my news is mixed for today.  We found out (after a long morning) that Bradley has Pneumonia.  About 1/2 of his left lung is full of junk.  He was a real trooper through the Dr. appointment, blood work, x-ray, and return to the Dr. for shots and to pick up a prescription.  Thankfully we know what it is and hopefully he'll be on the mend soon.  There are a lot of what-ifs that we'll have to be careful to watch for, but we'll be praying that things will work out as they should.  Luckily it is NOT contagious so at least we don't have the added worry of wondering who we might have passed it on to.

It's been a long and tiring last few days, but again, at least we know what's wrong with him and I was thinking about it last night, at least we have 2 beautiful boys to worry about.  The Lord has truly blessed us.

Oh, and our sweet Bradley has so much faith.  Early this morning (oh, around 4:30 am) as Bradley was lying in the tub when we were trying to bring Bradley's WAY TOO HIGH (somewhere over 107) fever down he said, "I think you need to give me a blessing, Dad, so I can feel all better."  What faith.  Again, we truly are blessed! 

The Power of the Ensign

I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but since I'm not sure, so follow this link to find out about the Ensign magazine.

Last night as Ryan and I were saying our evening prayer, I had a moment of inspiration.  I literally popped my head up and said, "AH!  Bradley is the "Star of the Week" tomorrow!" Well the fact that he was the Star of the Week" at preschool this week wasn't such a bad thing...it's actually kind of cool, but the fact that I hadn't prepared ANYTHING for it was bad (the parent's of the "Star o the Week" are supposed to present a little tribute about their child's life)...especially since it was 11:00pm.  :(  We finished our prayer (yeah, I usually don't make a habit of blurting things out in the middle of the prayer, but it just kind of happened) and I dutifully got up telling Ryan, "I'll see you in 2 hours!"  (I would love to say it got done quicker than that, but nope, I dragged myself into bed at about 1:00am, but I had a pretty darn cute tribute done, if I do say so myself...sorry a bit of a bragging moment there.)

If you've read my other posts you'll know that getting enough sleep is a HUGE factor in equalling a decent next day.  Today did not fail my expectations in any way.  And I swear the boys could tell that I was extra tired because they were in "tip top" form...YEAH RIGHT!  

I'm seriously not sure how they can scream so loud.  Most people say girls scream, but my boys can DEFINITELY scream with the best of them.  They are seriously the most ear-piercing screams...if you've heard one, you know what I'm talking about.  Well there was TONS of that going on.  I think I would have wanted to go hide in bed even if I didn't have depression.  After sending one kid down to play Game Cube and blessing the DVR for having extra Sesame Street Episodes on it for the other, I gratefully found the couch and spent the pre-preschool hours of the morning there.  

Despite my best efforts, I slept through the "alarm" (a.k.a. kitchen timer) I'd set for myself, and so the "Star of the Week" arrived at preschool about 15 minutes late.  Oh, and just an FYI, his younger brother was literally screaming the entire way to and from preschool (thank heavens it is SUPER close) because I put him in the car without shoes!

So by the time I got home, I REALLY wanted to crawl into bad and pretend today hadn't happened.  I desperately wanted to talk to Ryan, but unless I wanted to call his work, have them send the back-up truck to find him, then have him call me by satellite phone, that just wasn't going to happen. (I'm sure his boss would have loved me for that!)  And my sweet neighbor that has offered to watch my kids in the past, was in bed sick herself, with a house full of sick kids...yeah that wasn't going to happen either.  Oh, and not that this is exactly applicable to the story, but it goes to add to my emotional state, despite my ANAL efforts in following the South Beach Diet, I gained 2 pounds in the last few days...I SWEAR my body wants to hold on to EVERY pound it can...I promise Body, we're not in times of famine yet!

Needless to say I was a mess.  After snugly tying my 2 year old's shoes (yes, we're home by now, but that didn't matter...he wanted those shoes on dang it!) and gratefully praising the invention of the DVD, I sat down on the couch.  Right beside my couch, nicely squished into the corner is my "coffee table" (not quite sure why I still call it a "coffee table" since I don't drink coffee...tradition I guess...but I digress!) piled with copies of various magazines...most importantly the past several months of the Ensign Magazine.  I figured, "What's it gonna hurt?  I'll be sure to steer clear of home organization articles and the like, so it should be fine."  But it  was more than fine.

I flipped open the magazine to the "Latter-day Saint Voices" section.  This section typically shares spiritual stories from other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints The first 2 I read, "My Prayer in a Stockyard" and "Exactly What I Needed" were exactly what I needed.  I finished reading through the other 2 entries in the section and by the time I was done I felt the peace of the Lord with me.  Sure, the idea of crawling into bed hadn't gone away (sadly that idea pretty much always sounds good), but I didn't feel the crazed desperation for reprieve any more.  I knew that I could "do" the rest of today.  I didn't have an assurance that things would be perfect or that my children would do exactly what I'd want them to do (boy would that be nice!), but I knew that the Lord was with me and that I'd be okay.  The message on just a few thin sheets of paper gave me hope to go on.

I know that the Lord is watching over me, and each one of us.  Look at your own life and as you make an effort to see the Lord's hand, you will.  He is there for each and every one of us, with or without depression.  I leave my testimony that He knows what we need, and if we'll just look and listen we will know that too.  I say this in Jesus name, Amen.

Improvement...

The last few weeks have been a real roller coaster, like always, but even amidst it all, I've still noticed levels of improvement.  For example:

*This past week I have been SO tired (I wish I could explain how tired I was, but that's not the point), but this exhaustion was different from the normal "depressed exhaustion."  Yes, I was still so tired I didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't because I was feeling low or down.  I never thought being totally exhausted would make me happy.

*Or the other day I came down to get Braeden out of bed after his nap.  The first thing I saw was bring orange (or should I say "sunset orange"...thank you Crayola) lines all of over his once white pillow case and sheets.  He was proudly holding up a crayon.  I really could have flipped out at him, but instead I asked, "Oh, did you have a crayon in your pocket?"  He excitedly answered, "Yes!"  In that moment I realized, we'd never told him not to write on his bedding.  So I replied that, "We'll have to show Daddy when he gets home."

I'm really not trying to pat myself on my back, but point out a time where I feel like I was able to think rationally instead of "depression induced."  I guess in some ways I feel like my true self is starting to come out.  Do I think I'm "over it,"  definitely not, but it's nice to see those moments of improvement.

Pay it Forward...Blog Style

I saw the following on friend Kim's blog :

I've seen this on a lot of blogs lately and LOVE the idea, here’s how it works: the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive, at some point during the year, some homemade goodies from me. What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise! The catch is that you must participate as well. Before you leave your comment, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going (or copy and paste like I did). Then come back, let me know you’re going to play and sit back and anticipate the arrival of your goodies! Please submit in an e-mail or on the comment, your address, if I don’t have it already. Remember that only the first 3 comments will receive a gift from me, so be quick! Have fun!

I think it's a really fun idea, plus I like anything that makes you stop and think about someone else for a moment.  As I try to do as often as my currently volatile emotional state will allow, I like to look around me a think of how I've been blessed, and blogging has truly saved my life in many ways.  I know many of you that know me might be scratching your head right about now, but although "traditional" blogging, as I call it, (i.e. write about all the cute things you and your family are doing) stresses me out to NO end (I just don't feel like I can keep up), being about to have an outlet for my feelings has been so cathartic for me and so I thank all of you that have been willing to hang in there with me.  I thank you for your comments.  I thank you for checking back even when there's been a LARGE gap in posts.  I thank you for just plain being there.

I'm still here...

So I promise I'm still alive...doing well...well not so much, but I'm here.  It's been a tough few days, but hopefully I've had enough cry sessions that I might be pulling out of it.  I think it might not have been so bad, but I got this nasty cold during all of it and that always throws things for a loop.  Anyway, I suppose this is part of the whole cycle.  It's about learning to balance the good days with the slow days and hopefully coming out on top.

*********

P.S.  So I should at least update you on the car situation.  So the tow truck makes his way through the snow to come get Ryan's car.  Neither Ryan nor I are mechanically minded in ANYWAY (okay, Ryan is getting better, but we're not car people...I mean Ryan doesn't even have a dream car) so we didn't know what to try to possibly make things work, but the tow truck guy was willing to give it a whirl.  After trying a few things, low and behold...the car started.  I think I might have given him a hug if he wasn't all greasy and what not (not due to a lack of hygiene of course, but due to his job).  Needless to say we felt SO blessed.  Then...

...the next day Ryan tried to start the car and it started, but he now he couldn't get the car into reverse.  He tried to do the trick the tow truck guy suggested (apparently, the reason the car wouldn't start in the first place had to do with the car not being in gear right or something like that), but still to no avail.  I admit my positive attitude from the day before was waining.  At least I didn't need the car this time so I sent Ryan on his way with my car and made another call to AAA and AAMCO (a repair shop that really has been good to us).  Luckily this time after only about $250 we were on our way (sad when a $250 car repair seems good!).  

But we were blessed.  When fixing this problem they noticed another problem.  One of the tubes in Ryan's car was COMPLETELY hard when normally it is soft and malleable.  Because it was so hard it had formed a crack which was leaking just a bit.  If it had broken through Ryan's car would have been TOTALLY immobile.  For most people that isn't the end of the world, just get a tow truck like we had the previous days, but if Ryan had been out in Utah's West Desert, where he is 2 days a week, there would be NO way a tow truck could get through to him.  So after a TON of frustration and tears on my part, we were still VERY blessed to have things happen the way they did.  If only I can remember that juts a bit earlier on next time!

That We Might Become True Friends Of God

Last night I was studying my scriptures and in the study guide I came across the following passage:

"The Lord has made no secret of the fact that He intends to try the faith and the patience of His Saints. (See Mosiah 23:21.) We mortals are so quick to forget the Lord: “And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions … they will not remember him.” (Hel. 12:3.)

However, the Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. (See D&C 50:40; D&C 78:18.) Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)

Therefore, given the aforementioned grand and overarching reasons to rejoice, can we not “be of good cheer” in spite of stress and circumstance?

President Brigham Young said of a geographical destination, “This is the place.” Of God’s plan of salvation, with its developmental destination, it can be said, “This is the process”!

President Young, who knew something about trial and tribulation but also of man’s high destiny, said that the Lord lets us pass through these experiences that we might become true friends of God. By developing our individual capacities, wisely exercising our agency, and trusting God—including when we feel forsaken and alone—then we can, said President Young, learn to be “righteous in the dark.” (Secretary’s Journal, 28 Jan. 1857.) The gospel glow we see radiating from some—amid dark difficulties—comes from illuminated individuals who are “of good cheer”!

To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. (See Mosiah 3:19.) These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding." (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Be of Good Cheer’,” Ensign, Nov 1982, 66)

What a truly beautiful message. I think it can be easy to become trapped in the idea that our trials are punishments or we might want to blame God.   But how can you blame the Lord for trying to help you grow?  It is like a mother hen.  She cannot remove the shell for her young chick, even though she sees it struggling.  To become strong enough to live the hen must allow her sweet baby to push and fight its way out all on its own.

I also feel so blessed because I was just my daily reading.  I was reading through the scriptures chronologically and I was still blessed to find this passage in the study guide even though I wasn't looking for it.  We are truly blessed.

The Ensign: A Blessing From the Lord

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints publishes several monthly magazines.  The Ensign, The Liahona , The New Era, and The Friend.  All of them are filled with inspiring and uplifting messages of hope, faith, and doctrine.  I love reading my copies each month, but sometimes I find articles that are especially touching and poignant to me.  In the Januaryedition of the Ensign there were 2 articles (of the ones I've read so far) that I felt were written for me. 

The first article, Bipolar Disorder: My Lessons in Love, Hope, and Peace, was SO good for me to read.  No, I don't have Bipolar Disorder, but as I've mentioned in the past, there are many similarities between Bipolar and Depression.  We struggle with many of the same stigmas, we fight many of the same feelings, and in many ways we suffer together.  I thought the article was beautiful written and such a positive thing for me to read.  I would recommend this article to anyone struggling with a mood disorder, for anyone that knows someone with a mood disorder, or for anyone that cares to understand more about mood disorders.

The 2nd article that was especially meaningful to me was titled, Peaches, Pruning, and Spiritual Progress.   An short summary of the article reads, "Like pruning away the unnecessary limbs from a tree, we need to prune away those activities that might weaken our testimonies or lead us astray."  I definitely believe this to be true in relation to testimony, but as I read it I felt as if this could apply SO well to what I'm dealing with in relation to depression or really for general happiness in life.  We all must find that balance that creates a healthy life and what, although in many senses may be good and wonderful, when added to everything else, makes our life unhealthy.  That has become ESPECIALLY true since depression entered my life.  As my sweet husband first said to me many years ago, it's all about balance...SO TRUE!

Again, I would strongly recommend both of these articles to any of you.  They are well worth your time.

Learning to Ask...

Life is full of busyness. That craziness just multiples during the holiday season. I love the excitement and evening the late nights preparing gifts and goodies for family and friends. This is something that truly makes my season bright...or it was in the past.

More and more I find that I have to limit myself. What was once rejuvenating and exhilarating, often drags me down and becomes more of a hindrance than a help. The past few weeks have been right on par with that idea.

I've been buzzing around getting this done and that done. Sure, in the moment I feel a bit of stress, but more so the excitement and joy of the process...so I keep going. I stretch to get just one more thing done. To put away one more toy, complete one more project, read one more page...

So often I feel like a broken record.
“Why am I so exhausted?”
“Why does this stress me out?”
“Why am I not happy?”
“Why is it never enough?”

Some might say I’m not grateful enough. Others might say I have unrealistic expectations. And still others might tell me that I just need to “buck up” and be happy.

Sadly, none of these options really works. I am TREMENDOUSLY grateful for what I have. I have the most supportive husband. At times I feel like he couldn’t be more supportive and then he does something else even more wonderful and I find myself in awe that the Lord would bless me with such a man.

My boys are SO darling. Often Bradley will call from upstairs, “Mom?!” I reply in my usual, “Yes, sweetheart?” And in the way that only he can do it, he calls back, “I love you!” Braeden is a ray of light as well. There is nothing I could wish for more than his excited face and voice when he runs into my room say, “Hi MOM!”

My new neighbor is truly a godsend. I loved the neighbors from before, but the Randalls are seriously exactly what I needed. Jen has seriously wanted to learn about what I’m going through more than almost anyone I’ve ever met, and we’ve known each other for less than a month. She offers to help all the time. I honestly don’t know quite what to do.

I could truly go on and on about how blessed I am. Sadly, I think that sometimes adds to the frustration. I KNOW I am so blessed, but I’m still not happy.

I suppose the unrealistic expectations could have something to do with it, but it’s hard when the same things were once positives for me and now they’re negatives. Or the things that I could once do with ease are now more than I can even think about doing.

And I’ve tried to “buck up” on SO many occasions, but when you’ve got depression that just plain doesn’t work.

I honestly think this process is going to be a LONG, possibly life long road for me and I’ll admit that’s a scary thought.

But…as I’ve said before, the Lord has blessed me. I have so many people willing to help, if I can just learn to ask. Thankfully I’m more than comfortable enough with my sweet husband to let him know when I feel horrible, but I’m struggling to place that burden on others. SO much of me wants to turn over the burden, but then the other part of me just can’t let it go.

So this is my new challenge. Learning to ask, and especially learning to do it without feeling guilty about it. Believe it or not, I am MUCH better than I once was, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I think that sometimes the Lord looks down upon me and just shakes His head because sometimes I’m just so darn stubborn and won’t take the help that is staring me in the face.

So, Jen…can you watch my boys again for me next week so I can go to my support group…?

Ray of Light- General Conference

Saturday and Sunday were truly feasts for the spirit. I have yet to have a General Conference experience that has failed me (or should I say, one where I have been spiritually ready). I know this will not make the darkness go away, but every time I fill my spiritual cup, I feel refortified for the storm I'm living in.

How blessed we are to have a loving Heavenly Father. He KNOWS that we need the spiritual feast that is General Conference. I can't even tell you how many of the talks seemed directed at me personally, and even more beautifully, many others felt the same way.

General Conference truly is a blessing and I feel even more blessed that I will be able to ponder on and reread these beautiful words again.

Recalibration

Somewhere inside me I found a ray of light...an ounce of hope.

I am not an outsider! Satan cannot win this battle!

Over and over the phrases, "Get the hence Satan!" and "I will not let you win!" swirl in my mind.

My boys do miss me, but I'm just blessed enough that they don't fault me for it. Ryan was sweet enough to let me rest. He is such a tremendous husband to spend as much time as possible playing with them.

I need to reevaluate. I need to rebalance. I need to recalibrate.

My reality is that things will be going fine one minute and then the next I'll be on the ground, not sure what sent me there. I can wallow in my own misery and allow Satan to pollute my mind, but what good would that do? I would only be more miserable...exactly how he'd want me.

I do have a choice. It is harder than almost anything I've had to do, but it is a choice none the less and I want to win. I don't want to surrender to the darkness. So I'll reset my sites. Change my plan of action. Take things one day at a time. Recalibrate.

Ray of Light

I think I've mentioned it before, but I've recently moved into this home. Transitions are always hard, but especially when you move to a neighborhood where you don't know anyone. I've been trying my best to get to know people through church and what not, but even still that can be hard.

In the last area I lived they had this great program called "Music Makers." It was a great "Mom & Me" activity focused on music, movement, and finger plays. My boys LOVED it. I thought it would be perfect to start up here, not to mention be a great way to get to know other moms in my neighborhood.

I prepped and sent out flyers, but only had like 2 people respond. After about a week another one joined in. I was getting a little nervous, especially since one of the families will be moving next month and that would leave us down to just 3 moms. I suppose if we were always able to attend that would be okay, but I was really hoping for a few more.

Then today I was able to invite 2 moms, also new to the area to join. It's silly, but it made me so happy. I think that's the perfect number of participants. It gives us plenty of kids in the group, not to mention plenty of moms to help lead each different activity. YAY! I'm just so happy.

In a lot of ways I feel like my prayers have been answered. I've really been praying to feel more integrated into my new area and it felt like my efforts weren't really working out. I suppose just like everything, you just need to be patient and have faith (again, active faith...I was trying different things to get to know people, not just waiting for them to come to me) and things really do work out.

Ray of Light- Perspective

This is kind of a mixed post...not only is it my "Ray of Light," but it's one of those issues I had on my list of things so blog about. Depression has truly given me such a different perspective on life. This topic came up in my support group and in some ways I'd realized it, but in others I'd never really put a name to what I was feeling so I think I wasn't completely aware.

I've found that not only do I have to have a different perspective in relation to my own life and expectations, but I am so pleased to say that I look at every one differently. I think I have become much more tolerant and understanding. I find that I wonder the "why" behind peoples actions a lot more than I did before. Or I'll find myself thinking, "I just don't know what their story is, so there's no need to judge them."

This has definitely been an unexpected blessing. I always needed to learn to be less judgemental, but this sure isn't they way I planned to learn it! ;)

Here's a poem that I got when I was a teen that seems really applicable here:

Judge Not

Pray, don't find fault with the girl who limps,

Or stumbles along the road,

Unless you have worn the shoes she wears,

Or struggled beneath her load.

There may be tacks in her shoes that hurt,

Though hidden away from view,

Or the burden she bears, placed on your back,

Might cause you to stumble, too.

Don't sneer at the girl who's down today,

Unless you have felt the blow,

That caused her to fall or felt the shame,

That only the fallen can know.

You may be strong, but still the blows that were her's

If dealt to you in the selfsame time,

Might cause someone as strong as you

to stagger a little in line.

~Author Unknown~

And who could say this concept more eloquent than our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ:

Luke 6: 41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote* that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

It is my hope that I can continue to learn from my struggle and I pray especially that I can try to look at each situation from another's shoes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Mote: Chip or splinter

Ray of Light

So let me catch you up on a few "Rays of Light" from the weekend.

*First on Friday night I got to actually GO OUT with Ryan and some friends and it wasn't even our anniversary (heck, since that happened the weekend before we actually WENT OUT 2 weekends in a row...it's a new post-kids record).

*Saturday I got to go get my hair cut. I was holding out attempting to grow it out, yeah...didn't happen. I just couldn't deal with the "growing" pains (okay, yes, the pun was intended). It was just really nice to again, have some quiet time to do something for me.

*Sunday we had the opportunity to attend another ward where Ryan was privileged to speak to their youth (12-18 years of age) about a few tidbits he felt would make the biggest difference in their lives at this time. I was SO proud of him...I always am, but I love watching him teach...he's so good at it. I was also so pleased that I could be there...often that is not the case.

*And today, Monday, since it's the holiday (sadly not for my husband, but for everyone else) we didn't have any commitments that we had to meet, so we took it easy this morning...and not just because I was having a slow day. I got to rest on the couch while holding Braeden and watching Elmo's World. I helped Bradley play with his lacing cards. And I'm currently listening to the boys laugh at each other while they're supposed to be eating lunch. I really am blessed to have 2 wonderful children and to have the opportunity to stay home with them.