I want...I need...

I'm still just feeling SO stuck.  As I've mentioned before, I often feel like I'm having kind of an out of body experience.  I can see myself and I can evaluate the things that would be most helpful in my life, but I just can't do them.  I watch/hear myself being mean and snappy, but the words and actions seem to come out of me before I can do anything about them.  I don't want to be mean.  I don't want to blame others for the hell I'm going through.  I don't want to get in a rut that makes me such an emotional wreck, that despite all of my efforts in the past, I just keep gaining weight (one of my biggest signs that things are not going the way they should emotionally).  I want to be able to stop pretending.  I just want to be able to do "normal" (and I'm even talking my altered normal) things without putting every bit of effort into them.  I want to have enough energy to help guide my sons through the struggles of being 2 & 4, and not just give up and give into whatever they want.  I want to be a support for my husband who works SO hard to provide for our family and truly make a difference in the life of SO many troubled youth and their families, often without much thanks and often in the face of open hostility.  I want...I want...I want...or really I NEED.  

Please LORD, I need thy help.

1 year later...

Today, Mother's Day, is an interesting day for me.  Mother's Day last year I was traveling from North Carolina to Utah.  We were in the middle of the mountains in West Virginia when I totaled our car.  Luckily no one was hurt, but I think that day has still left a stain on our lives.  I suppose it is kind of a bittersweet memory.  We were blessed SO much by a dear couple that we had never met and even since then we have been blessed by our association with them.  But aside from the list of blessings that surrounded this event, I think it still was a catalyst for a downward spiral.  

In many ways I think it was the last straw on the camels back and made what would have been hard (moving), REALLY hard.  Both Ryan and I were really strapped in so many ways.  The past 3 years, although great in many ways, were also very taxing.  We had been to hell and back in so many ways.

I admit I'm emotionally tired enough right now that I don't have the mental energy to be eloquent.  I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that Mother's Day is a mixed emotional bag for me.  My husband and sons have been great and I SO appreciate their love and attention.  But I feel torn because part of me is reliving the feelings and stresses of a year ago.  

The mind and the heart are mysterious...

Finding the ray of light in the darkness...

I am exhausted!  Just plain exhausted.  I'm exhausted physically.  I am exhausted mentally (i.e. at first I was thinking physically was spelled with an 'f').  I'm exhausted emotionally.  I'm just not sure how I'll be able to pull together the strength I need to even do simple things like warm up hot dogs for the boys.

I was doing pretty well the last little while, but today was the last straw.  We woke up and Bradley had a temperature for 103 degrees.  No, that's not astronomically high and plenty of kids get sick every day, but this will make 6 weeks straight of at least one member of our family being sick.  I'M JUST SO TIRED OF IT!  

Part of me feels very ungrateful.  None of these sicknesses have been more than a week or so, but at the same time, they've meant that I'm cooped up inside (not so much from being outdoors...which does make a difference...but from doing things with other people).  One of the major coping techniques I've been using to fight my depression has been scheduled social activities.  And with every week of sickness more of those go out the window.  It really put me into a rut today.  So as I'm trying to crawl my way back out before my Young Women's activity tonight I thought I'd try to search for some Rays of Light.  They're always there and they always help.

*I'm finally feeling well enough after the flu I had last week that I don't dread going to sleep.

*It's sunny outside

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class turned out well.

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class are all out of the house now...phew!

*I got my grocery shopping done before Bradley got sick.

*I was feeling well enough (barely, but well enough all the same) to go to my brothers graduation last weekend.

*It's Wednesday so I was able to talk to my husband for a bit (on Monday & Tuesday he's out of cell phone range.)

*My boys are playing (with minimal fighting) downstairs.

*My Internet is working again (it wasn't this morning).

*I have a home.  One that the previous owners took GREAT care of!  Thank you!

*I married the man of my dreams...seriously!

*I have 2 beautiful and generally speaking, healthy boys.

*Ryan has a job that provides well enough to allow me to stay at home.

*I have amazing friends.

*I can email, and shop, and get on facebook, and blogger, and SO many other things online!

*I'm literate...it would be a SAD day for me if I couldn't read.

*I can pray and there is really someone there listening and answering.

*I can have a bum day today and have the power to start over tomorrow.

*I finally got my lawn aerated and he even fertilized for only an extra $5.

*We found our elliptical for only $50 and it's be SO good for me...I actually should have a date with it in a few minutes.

*Although I'm constantly fighting my weight, I have a healthy body that I don't have to constantly be "fixing" at the doctors.

*I have a great depression support group (DBSA).

*I have a college education.

*I never have to take another college class in my life, but I can if I want to.

*I have DVR (I know it sounds dumb, but I LOVE it...NO MORE COMMERCIALS!)

I could go on and on, but I should probably go fix those hot dogs.  But thanks for all of you that will read this post.  I don't know that just writing it for myself would be enough.  Thanks to you, too, for being a Ray of Light.

Jealous

Today I was talking to one of my sweet friends that recently started the fight with depression. I've been SO glad I could be there as a support for her. It has been such an uplifting experience for me to think that the hell (and I don't use that word lightly) I've been going through can help someone else.

I admit that I was jealous of her today. She recently started taking antidepressants and she already feels so much better. I'm SO happy for her and I would NEVER want her to keep feeling awful, but I wish I was feeling better too! Yes, I realize she just started them and things could level off or change or it could even mean all sorts of other things, but I guess I'm just sad I never experienced that.

Immediately after I started my antidepressants was HORRIBLE (she did have a rough first few days too), but even after that subsided, I was only able to "kind of" function. It was definitely an improvement, but I wouldn't say I felt "good."

Even still, I'm definitely light years better than I once was, but I would still say I don't feel "good" as a general rule.

Don't worry...I am tired and having more of a slow day today (definitely partially my fault...I was up reading late)...but again as a general rule I am MUCH better than I was before taking meds or even 3-4 months ago. I guess I'm just having a bit of a pity party day...kind of throwing a 2 year old tantrum, "But I wanna feel better! (insert foot stomp) It's not fair!"

Anyway, for this dear friend and any one else that has found solace and peace, I am truly SO happy for you. It is nothing short of a miracle that there are drugs and treatments out there that really work. I know that Lord inspired the minds of those scientists who discovered these drugs. May those of us that struggle in this unique way, only continue to be blessed by advancements in modern medicine.

(okay...I think I'm better now...phew I just needed to vent!)

Tired...but the good kind!

Sunday night into Monday morning were HORRIBLE.

Most of Monday I slept.

Today I am tired...but the good kind of tired. As a general rule I'm not that up on the idea of being tired, but when I've had a good and productive day and I'm the "accomplished" kind of tired, I'm good with that. So I'm about to plop myself down on the couch and watch and good show then snuggle up in bed knowing I had a tiring, but productive day.

This definitely counts as a gold star day for me!

The Girl in a Whirl

A recent email conversation with one of my friends made me think of this poem. I would just like to give a big AMEN! We just need to give ourselves a break once in a while.

The Girl in a Whirl

by 'Dr. Sue'

( a.k.a.. Vickie Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!

You could do what I do

If you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day;

I bake,
I upholster,
I scrub, and
I pray.

I always keep all the commandments completely;

I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.

I help in their classrooms!

I sew all they wear!

I drive them to practice!

I cut all their hair!

I memorize names of the General Authorities;

I focus on things to be done by priorities.

I play the piano!

I bless with my talents!

My toilets all sparkle!

My checkbooks all balance!

Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;

I attend all my meetings (on time! Never late!)

I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;

Our t-shirts are ironed!

My toenails are polished!

Our family home evenings are always delightful;

The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.

I do genealogy faithfully, too.

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;

I know all the names of each youth in my stake!

I read to my children!

I help all my neighbors!

I bless the community, too, with my labors.

I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;

My visiting teaching is done the first day!

(I also go do it for someone who missed hers.

It's the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)

I chart resolutions and check off each goal;

I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.

I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.

I write in my journal!

I sing in the choir!

Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I admire.

My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!

My kids get straight A's!

And their bedrooms are clean!

I have a home business to help make some money;

I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.

I go to the temple at least once a week;

I change the car's tires!

I fix the sink's leak!

I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;

I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.

I make sure I rotate our two-years' supply;

My shopping for Christmas is done by July!

These things are not hard;

'tis good if you do them;

You can if you try!

Just set goals and pursue them!

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!

It's easy!" she said…


…and then she dropped dead.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal as long as we have enough perspective to realize that we're not going to get there in this life. We all need to work together to help others where they're weak and be humble enough to ask for help where we're weak.

Slow Days

Boy, if you ever wanted to know when I'm having "slow days" you've just got to look at the holes in my postings!

So yeah, the last few days have been pretty hard. In a lot of ways I was all over the map. I'd feel great one day, down the next, great the following, and then back down again. Today I'm back to a good day (maybe not great, but good).

Thankfully even my "slow days" these days aren't nearly as bad as some I've had, but it's still hard and frustrating none the less. I'm still on myself because I can't get as much done as I'd like...well maybe it would be better to say, I'm still frustrated that I can't do as much as I once could. I know it's my reality, but it doesn't mean it isn't still hard.

I'm definitely continuing on the uphill hike, but we're still very much in a 2 steps forward, 1 step (or maybe even 1 1/2 steps) back. The progress is slow, but still in a positive direction.

I think I need to sing my "Dory" song a little more often.

Tired

I'm tired today. BLAH! I suppose I'm usually tired, but I'm feeling especially tired today. I'm still really working on balancing my expectations. Even though I got 7 plus hours of sleep last night, and I slept on the couch for another several hours this morning, the odds are pretty good I'll still be tired. I think that is something that I would appreciate more than anything else...a tired free day. Hmmm....do those ever happen? I promise I'll let you know if it ever does! We can always have dreams right?!