Jealous

Today I was talking to one of my sweet friends that recently started the fight with depression. I've been SO glad I could be there as a support for her. It has been such an uplifting experience for me to think that the hell (and I don't use that word lightly) I've been going through can help someone else.

I admit that I was jealous of her today. She recently started taking antidepressants and she already feels so much better. I'm SO happy for her and I would NEVER want her to keep feeling awful, but I wish I was feeling better too! Yes, I realize she just started them and things could level off or change or it could even mean all sorts of other things, but I guess I'm just sad I never experienced that.

Immediately after I started my antidepressants was HORRIBLE (she did have a rough first few days too), but even after that subsided, I was only able to "kind of" function. It was definitely an improvement, but I wouldn't say I felt "good."

Even still, I'm definitely light years better than I once was, but I would still say I don't feel "good" as a general rule.

Don't worry...I am tired and having more of a slow day today (definitely partially my fault...I was up reading late)...but again as a general rule I am MUCH better than I was before taking meds or even 3-4 months ago. I guess I'm just having a bit of a pity party day...kind of throwing a 2 year old tantrum, "But I wanna feel better! (insert foot stomp) It's not fair!"

Anyway, for this dear friend and any one else that has found solace and peace, I am truly SO happy for you. It is nothing short of a miracle that there are drugs and treatments out there that really work. I know that Lord inspired the minds of those scientists who discovered these drugs. May those of us that struggle in this unique way, only continue to be blessed by advancements in modern medicine.

(okay...I think I'm better now...phew I just needed to vent!)

The Girl in a Whirl

A recent email conversation with one of my friends made me think of this poem. I would just like to give a big AMEN! We just need to give ourselves a break once in a while.

The Girl in a Whirl

by 'Dr. Sue'

( a.k.a.. Vickie Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!

You could do what I do

If you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day;

I bake,
I upholster,
I scrub, and
I pray.

I always keep all the commandments completely;

I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.

I help in their classrooms!

I sew all they wear!

I drive them to practice!

I cut all their hair!

I memorize names of the General Authorities;

I focus on things to be done by priorities.

I play the piano!

I bless with my talents!

My toilets all sparkle!

My checkbooks all balance!

Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;

I attend all my meetings (on time! Never late!)

I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;

Our t-shirts are ironed!

My toenails are polished!

Our family home evenings are always delightful;

The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.

I do genealogy faithfully, too.

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;

I know all the names of each youth in my stake!

I read to my children!

I help all my neighbors!

I bless the community, too, with my labors.

I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;

My visiting teaching is done the first day!

(I also go do it for someone who missed hers.

It's the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)

I chart resolutions and check off each goal;

I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.

I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.

I write in my journal!

I sing in the choir!

Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I admire.

My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!

My kids get straight A's!

And their bedrooms are clean!

I have a home business to help make some money;

I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.

I go to the temple at least once a week;

I change the car's tires!

I fix the sink's leak!

I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;

I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.

I make sure I rotate our two-years' supply;

My shopping for Christmas is done by July!

These things are not hard;

'tis good if you do them;

You can if you try!

Just set goals and pursue them!

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!

It's easy!" she said…


…and then she dropped dead.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal as long as we have enough perspective to realize that we're not going to get there in this life. We all need to work together to help others where they're weak and be humble enough to ask for help where we're weak.

Recalibration

Somewhere inside me I found a ray of light...an ounce of hope.

I am not an outsider! Satan cannot win this battle!

Over and over the phrases, "Get the hence Satan!" and "I will not let you win!" swirl in my mind.

My boys do miss me, but I'm just blessed enough that they don't fault me for it. Ryan was sweet enough to let me rest. He is such a tremendous husband to spend as much time as possible playing with them.

I need to reevaluate. I need to rebalance. I need to recalibrate.

My reality is that things will be going fine one minute and then the next I'll be on the ground, not sure what sent me there. I can wallow in my own misery and allow Satan to pollute my mind, but what good would that do? I would only be more miserable...exactly how he'd want me.

I do have a choice. It is harder than almost anything I've had to do, but it is a choice none the less and I want to win. I don't want to surrender to the darkness. So I'll reset my sites. Change my plan of action. Take things one day at a time. Recalibrate.

Up and Ready!

I've heard many people say there is power in getting up and getting ready first thing each morning. I agree with that like 75%. :)

I have found that getting ready each day has made a HUGE difference in how I feel. I do have to be realistic and realize that I may not get the "first thing each morning" part of the suggestion, but I do get ready EACH day. I've found that even if I don't get ready until 4 or 5 pm (sad, but it does happen some times) it still makes a difference.

When I look at myself right after getting out of bed, well to say the least, I'm not a huge fan of what I see. I'm not down grading myself, but like most people, I don't love my "morning look." If I continue on like that all day, then I just never feel good about myself. I used to do the pony tail thing ALL the time, but it really wasn't a good look for me.

***An Aside: I have NO problem with pony tails. Many people look lovely in them,

but trust me, pony tails on me are for exercising or working out in the yard...not my best look. Also, for me it is totally a cop out. That's why I have short hair, that's not even an option I'm going to give myself because I know I'd get lazy and just not do it. Then all of my effort to actually get ready would really only be for odor removal.***

For me, getting ALL THE WAY ready is what makes the biggest difference. I think then I'm also taking the chance to show myself that I'm worth it and that I can look good.

So my biggest "blues buster" is getting ready: shower, hair, make-up and all!

Do something fun!

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I have ever received came from a favorite college professor, Dr. Bill Marshall. Ryan and I enrolled in his research methods class (specifically for the Marriage, Family, & Human Development degree), but we got SO much more than we'd bargained for. For starters we learned a ton about research, but he ran his class in a very different way (this is usually a VERY dreaded class, but with his style it was much more bearable), but what made his class the best came from an unlikely course of events.

While we were in college 9/11 happened and so consequently we were also in college during the big economic slump that followed. I don't remember the exact details, but basically the university was having to figure ways to reduce costs which meant that adjunct (part time) faculty had to go. This decision came mid-way through the semester and that is when things changed in Dr. Marshall's class.

He just happened to be one of those losing his job after that semester. Luckily this wasn't too devastating since he was planning to retire soon, but needless to say this wasn't in his plans so his plans had to change. He decided that in a lesson or 2 we'd finish up the basics of research and then he was going to give us what he considered his best lectures of his career. The things he felt were more practical and applicable to our future happiness.

I have to admit the first thing I was excited about was not having to write a research paper in our research methods class (isn't that cool...he figured we'd written our share of papers and he'd done his part by teaching us every thing we needed to do short of actually writing the paper...and what we he worried about, it's not like they were going to fire him!). But after that excitement wore off, I was really excited to hear what he felt was more important for our future. He'd been teaching for many years and had obviously lived many years as well, so he had his share of practical experience racked up and I was ready to glean from his wisdom.

I'd always enjoyed his style of teaching so I didn't mind attending his class, but after this change I couldn't wait to go to class. I LOVED my major (Marriage, Family, & Human Development). I didn't think there was anything better to prepare me for every facet of life, since you know you kind of deal with people all the time. And here I felt like Dr. Marshall was giving us the cream of the crop. It was FABULOUS!

I do admit I don't remember everything he taught us (you know...I'm just like Dory), but the principle that has been most helpful, especially as I try to balance and figure out this battle with depression was the following:

When is the best time to take a break?

BEFORE you need it!

I feel like in American society we try to run ourselves into the ground and then when we do get to take a break it is NEVER long enough. It was a really hard principle to start living (I've always tried to do WAY too much), but as I slowly started to make it part of my life, you know what? I felt better! (I can't believe it....he really was right?!)

For anyone I think this principle is SO important, but for someone with depression or any number of other mental illnesses, it is imperative.
The break doesn't have to be taking a trip to Hawaii or something like that (although I don't think that's a bad idea either), even just taking a few minutes out of each day to do something that you really love goes SO far.

I often find myself looking back at the last few hours of the day and if I've just been running from one thing to the next, I mentally cut off the rest of my to-do list and move it to the next day. Then I sit and read, or spend some Internet time, etc. The "break" will be different for each one of us, but it is SO worth it.

The days that I really crash come after a day where I didn't set proper limits and I never gave myself that break.

Sure it can be frustrating that I feel like I HAVE to take the break, but as I've talked about before, my reality and therefore my expectations have changed and so breaks have just become part of daily life.

So thank you Dr. Marshall for teaching me something that would be SO helpful to me, long before I really needed to know it.

My New Reality

The Ultimate Career was wonderful for me in many ways, but in one specific way it was definitely a blessing in disguise.

As I've mentioned in other posts, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). One big problem with that, I'm still suffering and my son turned 2 on Sunday. For most PPD suffers they usually get over it in less than 2 years.

An aside...every case of PPD is different, but at least from my understanding most women do get over it in less than 2 years. The Mayo Clinic website says this: "Untreated postpartum depression can last up to a year or longer. Sometimes untreated postpartum depression becomes a chronic depressive disorder. Even when treated, postpartum depression increases a woman's risk of future episodes of major depression."

I was desperately holding on to the fact that my depression would be going away. I think it was what kept me going. I kept thinking "this too shall pass." But it wasn't! I'm sure somewhere deep down I knew that something more was going on, but I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself. After reading the chapter from The Ultimate Career, I had to face the music.

This was a turning point for me. Whether I had depression before having Braeden and the birth was just the last straw on the camel's back, or whether my PPD wasn't treated well enough and turned into full blown clinical depression, I'm not sure, but either way, I had to start looking at things differently.

I just knew in my heart after reading how Elaine had suffered from depression for 14 years before the book was written and it wasn't going away for her. I knew that my reality was the same.

I also knew that my approach to life with depression was all wrong as well. I had been praying from the beginning that I might overcome the depression. I had asked for help in making it go away when instead I should have been making a completely different request.

There were a few VERY "slow days" while I was trying to reconcile in my mind what having a chronic illness meant. I realized that I'm only 27 and even if I have a shorter life than most I should live at least another 40 years. I wasn't sure I could handle 40 years of this. In many ways it felt like it would be 40 years of hell.

An aside, I don't use the word hell lightly, but I think it accurately describes what I was feeling. To have to live in that darkness for 40 years really would be like hell to me.

Thankfully, through nothing short of divine intervention, I realized that since my reality had changed (or at least my awareness of my reality), that my outlook had to change as well. So instead of praying for my depression to go away, I had to start asking for help living with depression, but not being defined by it.

Who knows what medical science will bring in the years to come, a cure for depression would be WONDERFUL, but I can't put all my eggs in that basket. My new way of looking at things is to assume that medical science will make no improvements in mental health treatment, so the remedy has to come from me.

I started to look for more outside help. I looked into various therapist options, I searched out a support group (The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), and I prayed with new fervency.

Again, I may be blessed to have this trial removed from me before this earthly life is over, but if not, that's okay. I definitely still have "slow days" and some really "bad days," but overall I'd say my progress is in a positive direction. I take one day at a time and more and more often I feel happy.

I am in a war with my depression and I am going to win!