I'm still here...

So I promise I'm still alive...doing well...well not so much, but I'm here.  It's been a tough few days, but hopefully I've had enough cry sessions that I might be pulling out of it.  I think it might not have been so bad, but I got this nasty cold during all of it and that always throws things for a loop.  Anyway, I suppose this is part of the whole cycle.  It's about learning to balance the good days with the slow days and hopefully coming out on top.

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P.S.  So I should at least update you on the car situation.  So the tow truck makes his way through the snow to come get Ryan's car.  Neither Ryan nor I are mechanically minded in ANYWAY (okay, Ryan is getting better, but we're not car people...I mean Ryan doesn't even have a dream car) so we didn't know what to try to possibly make things work, but the tow truck guy was willing to give it a whirl.  After trying a few things, low and behold...the car started.  I think I might have given him a hug if he wasn't all greasy and what not (not due to a lack of hygiene of course, but due to his job).  Needless to say we felt SO blessed.  Then...

...the next day Ryan tried to start the car and it started, but he now he couldn't get the car into reverse.  He tried to do the trick the tow truck guy suggested (apparently, the reason the car wouldn't start in the first place had to do with the car not being in gear right or something like that), but still to no avail.  I admit my positive attitude from the day before was waining.  At least I didn't need the car this time so I sent Ryan on his way with my car and made another call to AAA and AAMCO (a repair shop that really has been good to us).  Luckily this time after only about $250 we were on our way (sad when a $250 car repair seems good!).  

But we were blessed.  When fixing this problem they noticed another problem.  One of the tubes in Ryan's car was COMPLETELY hard when normally it is soft and malleable.  Because it was so hard it had formed a crack which was leaking just a bit.  If it had broken through Ryan's car would have been TOTALLY immobile.  For most people that isn't the end of the world, just get a tow truck like we had the previous days, but if Ryan had been out in Utah's West Desert, where he is 2 days a week, there would be NO way a tow truck could get through to him.  So after a TON of frustration and tears on my part, we were still VERY blessed to have things happen the way they did.  If only I can remember that juts a bit earlier on next time!

Slow Days

Boy, if you ever wanted to know when I'm having "slow days" you've just got to look at the holes in my postings!

So yeah, the last few days have been pretty hard. In a lot of ways I was all over the map. I'd feel great one day, down the next, great the following, and then back down again. Today I'm back to a good day (maybe not great, but good).

Thankfully even my "slow days" these days aren't nearly as bad as some I've had, but it's still hard and frustrating none the less. I'm still on myself because I can't get as much done as I'd like...well maybe it would be better to say, I'm still frustrated that I can't do as much as I once could. I know it's my reality, but it doesn't mean it isn't still hard.

I'm definitely continuing on the uphill hike, but we're still very much in a 2 steps forward, 1 step (or maybe even 1 1/2 steps) back. The progress is slow, but still in a positive direction.

I think I need to sing my "Dory" song a little more often.

Stop Pretending

These past few days (well almost as week) have been CRAZY! Some just plain busy, but others I've just been REALLY tired (probably because of the busy days). Thankfully I haven't been SUPER down, but when I'm tired, I just don't have enough energy to blog.

Yesterday night (when I should have been sleeping) I read this book:

I equally loved and hated this book. I loved it because it did such a great job of capturing what mental illness is and can be, especially to family members and I hated it for the same reason.

The basic premise is about a 13 year old girl watching her sister struggle with Bipolar Disorder (she calls it Manic-Depressive disorder...same thing as Bipolar). She shares her fears, her hopes, and her frustrations. I think what haunts me most, is when she worries that it is her fault. Yes, since she's 13 I'm sure to a certain extent she knows that it isn't her fault and couldn't be, but at the same time, we really don't know what triggers something like this and so that idea worries her. It's just so real.

I worry that Bradley (my 4 year old) might think he's contributing to my depression. I just killed me when he told me one day, "Mom, it's okay. We'll just go downstairs and play and you can rest." Sure a certain level of my was SO proud that my sweet little boy could be so sensitive, but the other part of me was dying to know that he was having to be grown up enough to understand that. Am I robbing my boys of their childhood? I know I could do a lot more with them, but I usually don't have the emotional energy to do it. In some ways I'm hoping that Bradley was young enough when this all started that he really hasn't noticed a change, but then in other ways, how sad to think that he's never really known his mom and neither had Braeden for that matter.

I try to stay up beat and not let things like this occupy my mind...they only make it worse. Usually I'm pretty successful in my attempts. But books like this really get to me. They also make me realize just how carefully I need to act around my boys to give them the best chance at coming through this "normally."

Patience...what's that?!

Oh, today! What can I say, it was a pretty slow day in some ways in and others a good day. To start off with, I didn't go back to sleep and I accomplished a lot before getting Bradley to preschool. During preschool I ran some errands and by the time I got home, I was done, just plain done.

I suppose it's not the end of the world, but I do find it frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself and my sometimes VERY limited abilities, but on days like today I just get frustrated.

Sure shopping can be a pain, but normally (even my new modified w/ depression normal) I can shop during preschool and then be fine (especially since I only have to take one kid).

And again, maybe it was just so hard because not only was I done, but I was REALLY low. Seriously if my boys wouldn't have needed me, then I would have just curled up on the couch. I hate it because I get this listless feeling and I just want to curl up and have everything go away. I don't feel like I can handle even minor everyday things.

Thankfully I was blessed and so I'm feeling at least better (maybe done, but not stuck in darkness). I guess I really need to have one of my changed expectations be that I'm really going to have good days and slow days, and it doesn't matter if I could do the same thing yesterday and be fine, I just have to take each day for what it's worth.

BLAH! Maybe some day I'll get there...

Another key point from The Ultimate Career

I neglected to mention one additional point that really struck me from the chapter in The Ultimate Career. Elaine mentioned how her therapist gave her a unique suggestion. She told her instead of calling them "Bad Days" call your harder times, "Slow Days."

Somehow calling them "Slow Days" has really been a positive for me. I guess it comes down to connotations of words, but "slow" doesn't sound nearly so depressing as "bad." So for my own personal classification, I have "Good Days," "Slow Days," and thankfully only occasionally "Bad Days." (Bad Days = Days that aren't even good enough to use the nice euphemism, "slow days.")