Ray of Light

This past Sunday I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. This is definitely not my favorite thing to do. I'm not the biggest fan of getting up in front of people, but especially not when I'm supposed to be bringing the spirit to the room and helping the entire ward be spiritually fed.

But each time I'm asked to talk in church it's really like a little miracle happens. Each time I have been blessed with divine assistance. I often look back at what I've written and realize those words were not my own. It is such a blessing to know that God is there watching out for me and that when I petition His help and exercise active faith (i.e. study the topic, pray, try to outline the talk on my own, etc.) He will not fail me.

On more than one occasion after giving a talk, someone has come up to me and asked for a copy of my talk, or said how helpful it was to them at that time. I'm definitely not bragging when I say this because the words were not my own. And I'm always very quick to tell the other person that too. I really just feel like I'm an instrument in the hands of the Lord; sharing the message He would have those listening hear.

This time my talked was based on one given by Elder Perkins in the Oct. 2006 General Conference...."The Great and Wonderful Love." I would highly recommend you check it out! It would be WELL worth your time.

Ray of Light- General Conference

Saturday and Sunday were truly feasts for the spirit. I have yet to have a General Conference experience that has failed me (or should I say, one where I have been spiritually ready). I know this will not make the darkness go away, but every time I fill my spiritual cup, I feel refortified for the storm I'm living in.

How blessed we are to have a loving Heavenly Father. He KNOWS that we need the spiritual feast that is General Conference. I can't even tell you how many of the talks seemed directed at me personally, and even more beautifully, many others felt the same way.

General Conference truly is a blessing and I feel even more blessed that I will be able to ponder on and reread these beautiful words again.

Ray of Light- I love to See the Temple

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shinning, Ryan had the day off, and it was the perfect temperature. Although those things added to my overall feelings about the day, the chance we had to spend time at Temple Square.

Temple Square is a place filled with peace and joy unlike anywhere else in the world. Having lived out of state for the last several years my boys had not had the opportunity to be there. I have memories of going to Temple Square and they are always filled with happiness and joy. What more could I want than to have memories of happiness and joy for my children.

I was specifically inspired to take my little family there this weekend because of General Conference. This too is a WONDERFUL event held twice a year, but I'll talk about that in a future "Ray of Light." I wanted them to understand where conference was held and give them a glimpse of the spirit that is present during this wonderful event.

I wanted them to see the grander of the Conference Center. Where over 21,000 of people come together, joined in spirit by the many watching and listening across the world, to feast on the word of God.

I wanted them to touch the house of the Lord. To feel the same granite that faithful pioneers literally cut out of the mountain and worked for 40 years to complete.

I wanted them to feel the sacred spirit present as they listened to the words of our Savior and gazed at the Christus.

Overall I wanted their little hearts to be touched by the sweet spirit that can only be felt at temple square.

Again, it was a beautiful day. Yes, the boys were still 2 and 4 years old. No, they didn't start to cry like their mother did. But, I know it sunk in. As I hugged Bradley while we were looking at the Christus, I asked him if he felt happy. He quietly responded in the affirmative. I was able to use this most special of moments to let him know that what he was feeling was the Spirit of our Lord. He was feeling the Holy Ghost. Even as he sat there in his wiggly silence listening to his little brother mumbling excitedly about Jesus, I could tell he knew. I could tell his little 4 year old heart was touched. And that, that alone, made Friday, October 3, 2008 a beautiful day.

Ray of Light

One thing I've found VERY helpful is to look for the positives. Granted typically in a really hard moment I DON'T want to hear that, but as something I do as a regular part of every day, I find this VERY helpful. I first started actively doing this after hearing Pres. Eyring's Oct. 2007 General Conference Talk. He specifically suggested writing down our blessings each day. Even though I was mired in the depths of depression, this really helped my overall outlook. I'm not as diligent in writing my blessings down each day, but since then I've definitely become more aware of the little "rays of light" all around me.

That being said, I'd like to start posting "rays of light" that come into my life. I'd love to hear yours as well.

Today I have 2 rays to share:

#1: I had a hard night last night because I pushed myself too much yesterday. Usually that leads to a hard next day. Ryan knew that and so he left the following post-it note in the bathroom for me.



It was a simple and sweet gesture, but it meant the world to me.

#2: The novelty of helping clean up has LONG sense passed for Bradley. He'll still help us, but typically it's with a good share of whining and he'll NEVER do it without help...or so I thought. I suppose it was about the proper motivation.

Our stake* does a special program called Hearts for the Holidays. Last year our stake provided Christmas for 85 families. It is all based on donations from the members of our stake. Each ward* decides on specific things they will do to help donate to the cause. One thing they're having the children do is to find ways to earn money around the house to donate.

I told Bradley that every time he picked up his toys without my having to ask him more than once, he'd get 5 pennies to give to the kids who didn't have any toys. He was SO excited. Needless to say, his toys have been picked up without much protest since we started this.

What a SWEET thing for someone that is only 4 to do. It made my heart melt!


*Stake: A stake is an administrative unit composed of multiple congregations in denominations of the Latter Day Saint movement. A stake is approximately comparable to a diocese in the Catholic Church and other Christian denominations. The name "stake" derives from the verse "[e]nlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitation: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes" (Isaiah 54:2). A stake is sometimes referred to as a stake of Zion. -Wikipedia



*Ward: Within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), the congregations are broken up geographically. Instead of choosing to attend a specific service based on the preacher, members of the LDS Church attend a specific service (or ward) based on where we live.

To See a Therapist, or Not to See a Therapist...that is the question!

Ryan is a Marriage and Family Therapist and so I was very aware of the concept of counseling or psychotherapy, but as I mentioned early on, it was NOT something I wanted to do. I kept coming up with excuses about life being stressful and we should wait until things calm down and see if I level out with the medication...So if I was waiting for things to calm down, I might have to wait until I was dead!

Finally after Braeden was already 18 months old with strong encouragement from my OBGYN, I decided to try to see someone. I got in contact with the leader of a local post-partum depression support group. After speaking with him he was more than glad to have me at sessions, but he also offered to see me privately once a week. With Ryan only being a graduate intern, money was an issue, so his offer was very tempting because he offered to see me for free if I didn't mind having a student listen in on the sessions.

Originally I told him no, but after contemplating it and talking it over with Ryan, I decided I really should give it a chance. So the following week I began seeing a therapist, that we'll call Dr. X.

Dr. X had been working at Duke University for something like 20 years and doing the post-partum depression support group for roughly the same amount of time, but his degree was in social work, which made me a little hesitant.

An aside, I do not have anything against social workers. They provide a tremendously valuable work to the community, but sadly they are one of the least trained in therapy of those working in the mental health profession. Many LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) can be WONDERFUL at therapy, but again, starting with less training makes me nervous.

I figured I'd give Dr. X a try anyways because of his extensive work with those suffering from post-partum depression.

I was COMPLETELY nervous for my first session. Here I was doing something that I really had deep issues with. I really didn't know what to expect. Obviously I figured we'd talk, but I admit I was skeptical he could really do anything for me. I felt like I'd hashed the issues out with Ryan SO many times that I wasn't sure what good talking about it would do.

The first session started by him asking to tell me about myself. Being the perfectionist that I am, I wanted to make sure I was answering the question the way he wanted me to. He just told me to start talking...so little direction really makes me uncomfortable, but I gave it my best shot.

I didn't mind telling him about myself because I figured he'd need to know that in order to understand my situation. But when I started to get a little frustrated was when EVERY week started like that.

Again, I have no problem with the therapist letting you dictate to a certain extent where you feel you need to discuss, but I also feel like what is the point of a therapist if all he has me do is just talk.

I personally feel like therapy needs to be an active process. A good therapist shouldn't tell you 100% of what you should do or shouldn't be lecturing you during sessions, but I feel like they should be guiding you in the discovery process and helping you find things you can do to make your situation more functional and healthy.

Dr. X didn't do this.

After several sessions of me just hashing out my past life and discussing every possible event in my life that could have made me feel the way I do, I let him know that I wanted to know what I could DO about my situation. Dr. X said there wasn't anything I could DO. He felt that if I came to grips with why I was feeling this way that then over time (he meant a LOT of time) I would be okay.

He made a lot of assumptions about me and my situation. He assumed that I had never discussed these past issues so fully...WRONG. He had NO idea how often I'd hashed them over in my mind and with others.

One of the things we talked about was that I was a guilt motivated person...he assumed that I didn't know that...WRONG AGAIN! I'm not sure how long I've known that, but at the very least I was aware of that before I was married (nearly 8 years ago).

And I think the biggest mistake he made was to assume that a higher power couldn't be involved.

I will always be glad I went to see Dr. X because he did indirectly help me give up some of my negative feelings towards people in my past. I started seeing him in March and so when the LDS Church's General Conference* came along the first weekend of April my mind was very focused on my past and those things that I was holding on to.

I had made these things a matter of regular pray and as I listened to the worlds of our prophet and leaders, I knew in my heart that I could forgive those that had hurt me. I knew that the comments and actions that had happened in the past were not meant to hurt, and even if they were I no longer wanted to be tied down by them. I no longer wanted to be a victim. The miracle of the atonement** had taken place in my life and I could instantly feel a weight lifted off me.

All of us have times where the actions of others make it easier for us to want to do something we know we shouldn't, but we still have the agency to choose how we will respond in that situation. The things that had happened in my past made it VERY easy for me to want to blame others for how I was feeling, but ultimately I still get to choose how I react. I didn't want to be victim to those actions any longer. (For more reading on this subject I would STRONGLY suggest the book, Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Group. Truly one of the most life changing books I've ever read.)

After my beautiful experience that General Conference weekend I was excited to tell Dr. X that I no longer held resentment toward those that had wronged me in the past. I was ready to and had let go of those feelings and I no longer wanted to dwell on them.

Thinking back on his response I don't remember the exact words he said, but more than anything I remember the way what he said made me feel. He basically looked at me with these sad, condescending eyes, and said something to the effect that there was no way I could have given these things up yet. We hadn't been discussing them for nearly enough time.

I remember thinking that I wanted to tell him, "It's no thanks to YOU that I'm over these things. The power of the Lord and His atonement are SO much greater than what any earthly therapist can imagine. So yes, if it was just up to you, I'd still be mired in the negative events of my past, but thankfully there's more to it."

I admit that I was feeling pretty harsh toward him at that time. I obviously didn't respond that way. I tried my best to explain the atonement and also the concepts I learned in Leadership and Self-Deception, but he just didn't understand.

It wasn't until months after the event that I realized that a quote by President Boyd K. Packer*** perfectly fit this situation: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

Needless to say our time in therapy didn't last much longer. I appreciated very much going to see Dr. X because it got me over my fear of therapy. I also will never forget him for helping me be more focused on my past and therefore more ready to give it up that memorable General Conference, but ultimately I needed something different.

In finding the right therapists, just like clothes and shoes, there is a different fit that works best for every person. I now know that I need a much more action oriented approach.

FYI:
The type of therapy that has the most evidence of being effective in treating depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. Couples therapy is also often an important part of this treatment.

*General Conference: A semi-annual conference held by the LDS Church where religious instruction is given by the leaders of the LDS church and is broadcast worldwide.

**Atonement: Our Savior Jesus Christ, suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for every person that has lived and will live on this Earth. One aspect of that suffering is to allow us to repent and then be forgiven of our sins. Another aspect is the blessing of having our pains eased. I wish I could truly express this concept. While in the Garden of Gethsemane, our Lord and Savior felt the pains of the world. He alone KNOWS completely what we have felt. If we ask in faith we can give up those pains to Him.

One of my favorite scriptures from the Book of Mormon is Alma 7:12 ~ "And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

***Boyd K. Packer: Boyd Kenneth Packer (born September 10, 1924) is the current president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church). Prior to his current position, Packer served as Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve. Packer has been an apostle and a member of the Quorum of the Twelve since 1970 and a general authority of the church since 1961.