Unicycle

It's been a while, as you already know.  I'm still really struggling to get back on balance.  I don't want to belabor the point here, but I'll just say that I've fallen off the unicycle.  I learning to ride again, but I'm really struggling to stay on.  I'm really looking at my life and trying to reevaluate what must stay, and what can go.  It's hard when I used to be so capable.  But I know I'd rather be able to do something, even if it's not much, than nothing at all.

So that's where I am right now.  I'm trying to climb back onto the unicycle, but before I can do that I have to clear out the road so I don't just fall right off again.  It's definitely the biggest balancing act of my life and hopefully it will happen sooner than later...

I'm still here...

So I promise I'm still alive...doing well...well not so much, but I'm here.  It's been a tough few days, but hopefully I've had enough cry sessions that I might be pulling out of it.  I think it might not have been so bad, but I got this nasty cold during all of it and that always throws things for a loop.  Anyway, I suppose this is part of the whole cycle.  It's about learning to balance the good days with the slow days and hopefully coming out on top.

*********

P.S.  So I should at least update you on the car situation.  So the tow truck makes his way through the snow to come get Ryan's car.  Neither Ryan nor I are mechanically minded in ANYWAY (okay, Ryan is getting better, but we're not car people...I mean Ryan doesn't even have a dream car) so we didn't know what to try to possibly make things work, but the tow truck guy was willing to give it a whirl.  After trying a few things, low and behold...the car started.  I think I might have given him a hug if he wasn't all greasy and what not (not due to a lack of hygiene of course, but due to his job).  Needless to say we felt SO blessed.  Then...

...the next day Ryan tried to start the car and it started, but he now he couldn't get the car into reverse.  He tried to do the trick the tow truck guy suggested (apparently, the reason the car wouldn't start in the first place had to do with the car not being in gear right or something like that), but still to no avail.  I admit my positive attitude from the day before was waining.  At least I didn't need the car this time so I sent Ryan on his way with my car and made another call to AAA and AAMCO (a repair shop that really has been good to us).  Luckily this time after only about $250 we were on our way (sad when a $250 car repair seems good!).  

But we were blessed.  When fixing this problem they noticed another problem.  One of the tubes in Ryan's car was COMPLETELY hard when normally it is soft and malleable.  Because it was so hard it had formed a crack which was leaking just a bit.  If it had broken through Ryan's car would have been TOTALLY immobile.  For most people that isn't the end of the world, just get a tow truck like we had the previous days, but if Ryan had been out in Utah's West Desert, where he is 2 days a week, there would be NO way a tow truck could get through to him.  So after a TON of frustration and tears on my part, we were still VERY blessed to have things happen the way they did.  If only I can remember that juts a bit earlier on next time!

The Girl in a Whirl

A recent email conversation with one of my friends made me think of this poem. I would just like to give a big AMEN! We just need to give ourselves a break once in a while.

The Girl in a Whirl

by 'Dr. Sue'

( a.k.a.. Vickie Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!

You could do what I do

If you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day;

I bake,
I upholster,
I scrub, and
I pray.

I always keep all the commandments completely;

I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.

I help in their classrooms!

I sew all they wear!

I drive them to practice!

I cut all their hair!

I memorize names of the General Authorities;

I focus on things to be done by priorities.

I play the piano!

I bless with my talents!

My toilets all sparkle!

My checkbooks all balance!

Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;

I attend all my meetings (on time! Never late!)

I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;

Our t-shirts are ironed!

My toenails are polished!

Our family home evenings are always delightful;

The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.

I do genealogy faithfully, too.

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;

I know all the names of each youth in my stake!

I read to my children!

I help all my neighbors!

I bless the community, too, with my labors.

I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;

My visiting teaching is done the first day!

(I also go do it for someone who missed hers.

It's the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)

I chart resolutions and check off each goal;

I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.

I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.

I write in my journal!

I sing in the choir!

Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I admire.

My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!

My kids get straight A's!

And their bedrooms are clean!

I have a home business to help make some money;

I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.

I go to the temple at least once a week;

I change the car's tires!

I fix the sink's leak!

I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;

I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.

I make sure I rotate our two-years' supply;

My shopping for Christmas is done by July!

These things are not hard;

'tis good if you do them;

You can if you try!

Just set goals and pursue them!

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!

It's easy!" she said…


…and then she dropped dead.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal as long as we have enough perspective to realize that we're not going to get there in this life. We all need to work together to help others where they're weak and be humble enough to ask for help where we're weak.

Recalibration

Somewhere inside me I found a ray of light...an ounce of hope.

I am not an outsider! Satan cannot win this battle!

Over and over the phrases, "Get the hence Satan!" and "I will not let you win!" swirl in my mind.

My boys do miss me, but I'm just blessed enough that they don't fault me for it. Ryan was sweet enough to let me rest. He is such a tremendous husband to spend as much time as possible playing with them.

I need to reevaluate. I need to rebalance. I need to recalibrate.

My reality is that things will be going fine one minute and then the next I'll be on the ground, not sure what sent me there. I can wallow in my own misery and allow Satan to pollute my mind, but what good would that do? I would only be more miserable...exactly how he'd want me.

I do have a choice. It is harder than almost anything I've had to do, but it is a choice none the less and I want to win. I don't want to surrender to the darkness. So I'll reset my sites. Change my plan of action. Take things one day at a time. Recalibrate.

Tired

I'm tired today. BLAH! I suppose I'm usually tired, but I'm feeling especially tired today. I'm still really working on balancing my expectations. Even though I got 7 plus hours of sleep last night, and I slept on the couch for another several hours this morning, the odds are pretty good I'll still be tired. I think that is something that I would appreciate more than anything else...a tired free day. Hmmm....do those ever happen? I promise I'll let you know if it ever does! We can always have dreams right?!

Patience...what's that?!

Oh, today! What can I say, it was a pretty slow day in some ways in and others a good day. To start off with, I didn't go back to sleep and I accomplished a lot before getting Bradley to preschool. During preschool I ran some errands and by the time I got home, I was done, just plain done.

I suppose it's not the end of the world, but I do find it frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself and my sometimes VERY limited abilities, but on days like today I just get frustrated.

Sure shopping can be a pain, but normally (even my new modified w/ depression normal) I can shop during preschool and then be fine (especially since I only have to take one kid).

And again, maybe it was just so hard because not only was I done, but I was REALLY low. Seriously if my boys wouldn't have needed me, then I would have just curled up on the couch. I hate it because I get this listless feeling and I just want to curl up and have everything go away. I don't feel like I can handle even minor everyday things.

Thankfully I was blessed and so I'm feeling at least better (maybe done, but not stuck in darkness). I guess I really need to have one of my changed expectations be that I'm really going to have good days and slow days, and it doesn't matter if I could do the same thing yesterday and be fine, I just have to take each day for what it's worth.

BLAH! Maybe some day I'll get there...

Do something fun!

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I have ever received came from a favorite college professor, Dr. Bill Marshall. Ryan and I enrolled in his research methods class (specifically for the Marriage, Family, & Human Development degree), but we got SO much more than we'd bargained for. For starters we learned a ton about research, but he ran his class in a very different way (this is usually a VERY dreaded class, but with his style it was much more bearable), but what made his class the best came from an unlikely course of events.

While we were in college 9/11 happened and so consequently we were also in college during the big economic slump that followed. I don't remember the exact details, but basically the university was having to figure ways to reduce costs which meant that adjunct (part time) faculty had to go. This decision came mid-way through the semester and that is when things changed in Dr. Marshall's class.

He just happened to be one of those losing his job after that semester. Luckily this wasn't too devastating since he was planning to retire soon, but needless to say this wasn't in his plans so his plans had to change. He decided that in a lesson or 2 we'd finish up the basics of research and then he was going to give us what he considered his best lectures of his career. The things he felt were more practical and applicable to our future happiness.

I have to admit the first thing I was excited about was not having to write a research paper in our research methods class (isn't that cool...he figured we'd written our share of papers and he'd done his part by teaching us every thing we needed to do short of actually writing the paper...and what we he worried about, it's not like they were going to fire him!). But after that excitement wore off, I was really excited to hear what he felt was more important for our future. He'd been teaching for many years and had obviously lived many years as well, so he had his share of practical experience racked up and I was ready to glean from his wisdom.

I'd always enjoyed his style of teaching so I didn't mind attending his class, but after this change I couldn't wait to go to class. I LOVED my major (Marriage, Family, & Human Development). I didn't think there was anything better to prepare me for every facet of life, since you know you kind of deal with people all the time. And here I felt like Dr. Marshall was giving us the cream of the crop. It was FABULOUS!

I do admit I don't remember everything he taught us (you know...I'm just like Dory), but the principle that has been most helpful, especially as I try to balance and figure out this battle with depression was the following:

When is the best time to take a break?

BEFORE you need it!

I feel like in American society we try to run ourselves into the ground and then when we do get to take a break it is NEVER long enough. It was a really hard principle to start living (I've always tried to do WAY too much), but as I slowly started to make it part of my life, you know what? I felt better! (I can't believe it....he really was right?!)

For anyone I think this principle is SO important, but for someone with depression or any number of other mental illnesses, it is imperative.
The break doesn't have to be taking a trip to Hawaii or something like that (although I don't think that's a bad idea either), even just taking a few minutes out of each day to do something that you really love goes SO far.

I often find myself looking back at the last few hours of the day and if I've just been running from one thing to the next, I mentally cut off the rest of my to-do list and move it to the next day. Then I sit and read, or spend some Internet time, etc. The "break" will be different for each one of us, but it is SO worth it.

The days that I really crash come after a day where I didn't set proper limits and I never gave myself that break.

Sure it can be frustrating that I feel like I HAVE to take the break, but as I've talked about before, my reality and therefore my expectations have changed and so breaks have just become part of daily life.

So thank you Dr. Marshall for teaching me something that would be SO helpful to me, long before I really needed to know it.

An important addition to "Learning Limits"

I realized as I thought about what I posted that I didn't fully explain myself in the last post...

Serving others is a wonderful thing to do. A life absent of service is a truly sad thing. I definitely still try to serve others...it would be worse for me to not serve than to over serve. Where the major difference is, is that I have to take myself and where I am emotionally into consideration SO much more than I ever did before. I can't say yes to every, or even most service opportunities because if I do I find that I will not have enough strength to take care of my own family or myself. Again, this may sound similar to every one's situation, and to a certain extent it is, but I have to be that much more selective in what I'll do. I have to try my best to make sure I can accomplish the most with the least effort so I still have the emotional strength to go on. Now more than ever, I have to evaluate and make sure my cup is full (I guess think about it like my cups capacity has been cut in half) before I try to share with anyone else.

Learning Limits

Learning to cope with depression is really all about learning to set healthy limits and actually keep to them...SO much easier said than done.

My entire life I have been taught the following idea that was so eloquently put into words by Ghandi, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."I would find myself so drawn to those that needed help and in many ways that is how I defined myself. But then I was consumed with the plague of depression and the lens in which I viewed my life had to change.

How could it be wrong to want to focus on others?

Isn't that what I had been taught since I was a young child...both religiously speaking, and just as a general good way of living?

Then why was it how a harmful and wrong thing to do?

I suppose that using the word "Wrong" is maybe a little inaccurate, but it definitely wasn't "Right" for me to act the way I had before. I found myself so torn my this. I didn't understand how it could be right for me to have to shift to a more "Selfish" vs. "Selfless" way of being?

Sleep became increasingly more and more important. My OBGYN instructed me to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night (and mind you this is while I had a nursing 3 month old...YAY, RIGHT!). At first I just did my best, but over time I definitely started to notice that there was a DRASTIC difference when I would get more than 8 hours of sleep vs. just 8 hours. I'm not just talking I was less tired (that is of course the obvious result), but I was actually nearly unable to function with 8 hours of sleep. Even to this day I have to be a sleep NAZI! If I don't get enough (8+ hours) sleep I can usually count on the next 2 days being shot. Many others might not notice what I'm going through, but the internal struggle I go through to even function on days like that is SO tremendous that I often feel like I might have after pulling a week of all-nighters.

Exercise, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, keeping the house relatively organized, getting enough down time (i.e. 2-4 hours per day), etc. Again, these things seems normal and most of us are happier when we get these things done, but again the priority level of these things sky rocketed. Accomplishing these tasks literally takes me all the energy I have, but when I don't do them there is a direct correlation with how I feel...again, on a much more dramatic scale than for someone without depression.

As I'm reading through this I just feel my vocabulary is lacking me. How can I truly express the depth at which these things affect me? I try to think of other comparisons that someone else might understand, but they often fall short. One that I do like and I think might kind of come close is the following:

We all need to work on balancing our lives in order to keep healthy and happy. For the average person that is like riding a bike...maybe even a bike with training wheels that are in their highest position. Yes, you can stumble and fall if you don't work to keep the balance, but usually you can catch yourself before you completely fall. Someone with a major mental illness is riding a unicycle instead...without the benefit of any training wheels. The balance required is so immensely challenging that more often than I not I feel like I am crashed on the ground instead of actually riding anywhere.

I know my posts are especially dark and hard to read, but this has been my reality for much of the past 2 years. I have definitely had better times and worse times, but I would say the general direction I've been going is up. And if I want to continue to have it proceed in that direction, I must set and keep healthy limits.