A Distant Light

A Distant Light

by Marianne Anderson

The tunnel is long and dark

A tiny light afar I see.

Running and reaching

No brighter it gets.

Stumbling and falling

But still trying again.

Running and walking

The pace is slower now.

Still reaching and striving

But the light is still dim.

Wondering and hoping

But on me the glow does not fall.

Distant and disoriented

Is there still a light?

Lost and confused

In what way should I go?

Scared and small

Is there still hope?

Crying and praying

In the darkness lost.

Fear and aching

A new shroud makes.

Wanting yet retreating

New bonds now control.

Calling and hoping

But again lost, alone.

Pleading and reaching

No light to be found.

Gasping and clawing

No escape to be mine.

Desperate and dying

No alternative left.

Kneeling and submitting

My one last hope.

Awakening and breathing

Fresh air touches my lips.

Tentative and leery

Not ready to stand.

Groping and feeling

Not sure of support.

Hoping and praying

What's that I see?

Peering and pleading

Is that what I need?

Looking and leaning

Have I found my way?

Praising and crying

A distant light I see.

I'm not even sure if there is anyone out there still reading...I haven't exactly been regular in my posts lately. Needless to say the last several weeks have been nearly more than I can take. I think, and am praying that we're working toward a new answer. I hate to think what will happen if the light we're going toward now is not the right now.

Please keep me in your prayers. I know that in SO many ways I am very blessed, tremendously blessed. What's hard is when that doesn't seem to be enough. When the chemical balance in my body could care less hope much the Lord has given me, I find it so hard to move on. But HE is still there and HE will show me the light. Just pray that I can have strength to follow HIM.

Finding the ray of light in the darkness...

I am exhausted!  Just plain exhausted.  I'm exhausted physically.  I am exhausted mentally (i.e. at first I was thinking physically was spelled with an 'f').  I'm exhausted emotionally.  I'm just not sure how I'll be able to pull together the strength I need to even do simple things like warm up hot dogs for the boys.

I was doing pretty well the last little while, but today was the last straw.  We woke up and Bradley had a temperature for 103 degrees.  No, that's not astronomically high and plenty of kids get sick every day, but this will make 6 weeks straight of at least one member of our family being sick.  I'M JUST SO TIRED OF IT!  

Part of me feels very ungrateful.  None of these sicknesses have been more than a week or so, but at the same time, they've meant that I'm cooped up inside (not so much from being outdoors...which does make a difference...but from doing things with other people).  One of the major coping techniques I've been using to fight my depression has been scheduled social activities.  And with every week of sickness more of those go out the window.  It really put me into a rut today.  So as I'm trying to crawl my way back out before my Young Women's activity tonight I thought I'd try to search for some Rays of Light.  They're always there and they always help.

*I'm finally feeling well enough after the flu I had last week that I don't dread going to sleep.

*It's sunny outside

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class turned out well.

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class are all out of the house now...phew!

*I got my grocery shopping done before Bradley got sick.

*I was feeling well enough (barely, but well enough all the same) to go to my brothers graduation last weekend.

*It's Wednesday so I was able to talk to my husband for a bit (on Monday & Tuesday he's out of cell phone range.)

*My boys are playing (with minimal fighting) downstairs.

*My Internet is working again (it wasn't this morning).

*I have a home.  One that the previous owners took GREAT care of!  Thank you!

*I married the man of my dreams...seriously!

*I have 2 beautiful and generally speaking, healthy boys.

*Ryan has a job that provides well enough to allow me to stay at home.

*I have amazing friends.

*I can email, and shop, and get on facebook, and blogger, and SO many other things online!

*I'm literate...it would be a SAD day for me if I couldn't read.

*I can pray and there is really someone there listening and answering.

*I can have a bum day today and have the power to start over tomorrow.

*I finally got my lawn aerated and he even fertilized for only an extra $5.

*We found our elliptical for only $50 and it's be SO good for me...I actually should have a date with it in a few minutes.

*Although I'm constantly fighting my weight, I have a healthy body that I don't have to constantly be "fixing" at the doctors.

*I have a great depression support group (DBSA).

*I have a college education.

*I never have to take another college class in my life, but I can if I want to.

*I have DVR (I know it sounds dumb, but I LOVE it...NO MORE COMMERCIALS!)

I could go on and on, but I should probably go fix those hot dogs.  But thanks for all of you that will read this post.  I don't know that just writing it for myself would be enough.  Thanks to you, too, for being a Ray of Light.

An Outsider in My Own Home

"I love my little family dearly and all I really want to do is to spend time with them, but I can't." That was the thought that kept running through my mind as I lay curled up under the navy blue comforter on my sons bed.

I could hear the excited laughter and giggles of my 2 boys playing with their father. Here I had a golden opportunity to make memories with the ones I loved most, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed.

I will give myself credit...I did try. Before I found my home in Bradley's bed, I was up on the couch. Again, I could hear their laughter and joy and decided I'd come join in the fun. I went downstairs and I was able to play for a few minutes, but that was all I could sustain.

I walked like a zombie into my sons room. I didn't even turn on any lights. I just lay there trapped in the darkness that is my reality more often than I'd like to think.

As I've said on many occasions, I wish I had the vocabulary to truly describe what I was feeling. Again, the idea of an out of body experience comes to mind. Inside my heart is SCREAMING for me to get out of bed and be with the ones I love. But my body, is manically laughing back daring my heart to just try it. And then I'm stuck somewhere in between...wanting one thing so much, but being unable to find the strength to do it.

I think what scares me the most is that I wonder if I was missed. Have my children become so accustomed to mommy sleeping or "resting" that they don't even notice when I've gone?

I am an outsider in my own home...

Ray of Light

Okay, so if you've read my previous post you'll understand that today has been a harder day. I have to admit, I'm having a harder time coming up with a "Ray of Light." I know it's never that they're not there, but I think I'm wearing dark glasses so I don't notice them as much. And sometimes I think I'm even covering my eyes because I don't want to see them...Is that weird?

I really hate it how sometimes I just want to feel bad and down in the dumps. Of course there is part of me that wonders why I'm so crazy, but then the other part (I suppose the "natural man*" part) of me, the one that seems to be in control at these times, just shouts and drowns out my rational side. Arrrrr.....

But I do have a "Ray of Light" (I probably should spend a lot more time looking for them on days like today...yeah, we'll work on that.) I think it's that I didn't allow myself to be completely encompassed in the dark. I could have. It definitely would have been easier, but thankfully I have my sweet children to help give me motivation. So I guess right there I have 3 "Rays of Light" (1. I didn't get caught in the darkness, 2. Bradley, & 3. Braeden)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Natural Man: See also Born Again, Born of God; Carnal; Fall of Adam and Eve
A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man.

The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit, 1 Cor. 2: 14. The natural man is an enemy to God and should be put off, Mosiah 3: 19. He that persists in his own carnal nature remaineth in his fallen state, Mosiah 16: 5 (Alma 42: 7-24; D&C 20: 20). What natural man is there that knoweth these things? Alma 26: 19-22. Natural or carnal men are without God in the world, Alma 41: 11. Because of his transgression, man became spiritually dead, D&C 29: 41. Neither can any natural man abide the presence of God, D&C 67: 12. And man began to be carnal, sensual, and devilish, Moses 5: 13 (Moses 6: 49). (from www.scriptures.lds.org)

Darkness

I started my prescription for Zoloft the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. Even though I weaned myself in just like instructed it was a very low weekend. Friday was fine, and Saturday wasn't too bad, but Sunday was horrible. I vividly remember sitting in Relief Society* trying to focus on the lesson, but all I could do was control the tears. I was in a darker place than I had ever encountered or ever hope to encounter.

Thankfully Ryan warned me that this might happen so I wasn't caught totally off guard, but then again, what can truly prepare you for the way I was feeling? I'm not sure I even have words to describe it. I think before I was feeling more hollow and apathetic. I think as a defense mechanism my body had shut down any real feelings; which in and of itself, is a strange place to be. You're low, but in some ways more because you have had to cut off a part of yourself and so you don't really feel the highs and happy times either.

At the time I would have never described it that way, but after starting the medication and taking the MAJOR dip in emotions, there is no question that I wasn't fully feeling how bad things were. Again, I just wish I had the words to describe it...or maybe I don't? I'm not sure I would want anyone else to feel so low. In many ways I felt like I had been cut off from all happiness and maybe even God.

Now being cut off from God may not be a big deal for everyone, but as a devout member of **The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it was the worst possible thing that could happen. My Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, are so much more to me than a distant and scary controller of the universe. I truly feel that I have a personal relationship with them. I believe that Heavenly Father is truly my father. Not of my physical body, but of my spirit. But just like the ideal earthly father, our Heavenly Father is there for us in good and bad times. He loves us more than we can even comprehend. He wants us to come to Him and I truly believe He wants nothing more than to hold us in His all loving arms when we are in times of pain.

I believe our Savior, Jesus Christ, is my spiritual brother who truly suffered for each and everyone of my sins, but during this time of trial even more importantly, He bore the weight of my pains. He KNOWS what I was feeling. He KNOWS the depth of my despair. He is the ONLY one that can 100% understand what I was feeling.

So here I was feeling like I had lost the loving arms of my Heavenly Father and the understanding from the one person who truly knew how I was feeling. I imagine it must be to some degree what Hell must feel like. Even just describing this nearly 2 years later, I find myself overcome with emotion...

As I mentioned before, here I was a mother feeling so cut off from my Father. I can only imagine the depth of His pain for me. I know when I watch one of my young sons suffer through something a simple as a cold, my heart aches for them. I have NO DOUBT that my Heavenly Father was weeping for me and pleading that I realize that He had not, NOR WILL EVER leave me.

It was the deepest darkness and despair I've ever felt.

Mercifully the Lord did not allow the the depth of that trial to last more than a few days.

Slowly, as the medication took effect in my body, my emotions were able to level off to a certain extent and I was not completely consumed by darkness.




*The 3rd hour of LDS church services is divided into various groups. Relief Society is the group for the women 18 and older in the church.

**Also known as Mormons