Ray of Light- Success!

Ryan's birthday was on Friday. He turned the big 3-0! I figured now was as good a time as any to give him a surprise party. I've been planning this for several months and it's been KILLING me to not be able to tell him. We don't keep secrets...which is good, because that's not my best skill anyway.

Needless to say, it was a miracle that between my four year old son (he was there when I bought decorations and put them up) and myself we didn't spill the beans. Ryan was "totally snowed!" as he puts it.

It was a great success. Everyone arrived BEFORE we did. Until we walked in the house, Ryan still thought we were meeting his sisters to go out to eat. I had plenty of food (actually enough extra that we got together for dinner tonight to finish them off). I made a special design for the top of the cake (I made the design, but Costco lovingly created the cake and decorated it for me) that he totally loved...and it tasted good to boot! Overall it was just a great night.

I didn't realize how much stress it actually caused me until I realized I was shaking. My hands and heart rate didn't get back to normal until after the party. I knew it was important to me, but didn't realize just how much. I suppose the fact that I slept most of Saturday was also a good sign that it had taken it's tole.

I don't see myself doing another surprise party any time soon, but I wouldn't change the look on Ryan's face for anything. It was great!

An Outsider in My Own Home

"I love my little family dearly and all I really want to do is to spend time with them, but I can't." That was the thought that kept running through my mind as I lay curled up under the navy blue comforter on my sons bed.

I could hear the excited laughter and giggles of my 2 boys playing with their father. Here I had a golden opportunity to make memories with the ones I loved most, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed.

I will give myself credit...I did try. Before I found my home in Bradley's bed, I was up on the couch. Again, I could hear their laughter and joy and decided I'd come join in the fun. I went downstairs and I was able to play for a few minutes, but that was all I could sustain.

I walked like a zombie into my sons room. I didn't even turn on any lights. I just lay there trapped in the darkness that is my reality more often than I'd like to think.

As I've said on many occasions, I wish I had the vocabulary to truly describe what I was feeling. Again, the idea of an out of body experience comes to mind. Inside my heart is SCREAMING for me to get out of bed and be with the ones I love. But my body, is manically laughing back daring my heart to just try it. And then I'm stuck somewhere in between...wanting one thing so much, but being unable to find the strength to do it.

I think what scares me the most is that I wonder if I was missed. Have my children become so accustomed to mommy sleeping or "resting" that they don't even notice when I've gone?

I am an outsider in my own home...

Ray of Light- I love to See the Temple

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shinning, Ryan had the day off, and it was the perfect temperature. Although those things added to my overall feelings about the day, the chance we had to spend time at Temple Square.

Temple Square is a place filled with peace and joy unlike anywhere else in the world. Having lived out of state for the last several years my boys had not had the opportunity to be there. I have memories of going to Temple Square and they are always filled with happiness and joy. What more could I want than to have memories of happiness and joy for my children.

I was specifically inspired to take my little family there this weekend because of General Conference. This too is a WONDERFUL event held twice a year, but I'll talk about that in a future "Ray of Light." I wanted them to understand where conference was held and give them a glimpse of the spirit that is present during this wonderful event.

I wanted them to see the grander of the Conference Center. Where over 21,000 of people come together, joined in spirit by the many watching and listening across the world, to feast on the word of God.

I wanted them to touch the house of the Lord. To feel the same granite that faithful pioneers literally cut out of the mountain and worked for 40 years to complete.

I wanted them to feel the sacred spirit present as they listened to the words of our Savior and gazed at the Christus.

Overall I wanted their little hearts to be touched by the sweet spirit that can only be felt at temple square.

Again, it was a beautiful day. Yes, the boys were still 2 and 4 years old. No, they didn't start to cry like their mother did. But, I know it sunk in. As I hugged Bradley while we were looking at the Christus, I asked him if he felt happy. He quietly responded in the affirmative. I was able to use this most special of moments to let him know that what he was feeling was the Spirit of our Lord. He was feeling the Holy Ghost. Even as he sat there in his wiggly silence listening to his little brother mumbling excitedly about Jesus, I could tell he knew. I could tell his little 4 year old heart was touched. And that, that alone, made Friday, October 3, 2008 a beautiful day.

Ray of Light

Oh my goodness...I've just been so busy (which always equals tired). Phew! But at least it's been a good kind of busy.

*For starters yesterday a few friends came over and we canned apple pie filling. It's seriously the best recipe around and so I was excited to do it, but without the generous offering of apples from my parents and the help of good friends I think the task would have been too daunting and I most likely would have never tried. Thank you, thank you for helping me!

*I also owe a HUGE thanks to one special friend. I got a special package at my front doorstep. It was the sweetest and most thoughtful way of letting me know that she cared. For starters just sending me something out of the blue meant so much. Then to send a book (I'm such a bibliophile), wow you couldn't have picked a better thing.

Then the message of the text of the book was so wonderful, not to mention the additional hand written message inside the book. You know who you are, and so I won't name names, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It truly made what has been a difficult few weeks that much easier to bare. I love you and appreciate all that you've been for me.

It has TRULY been such a blessing to spend a little time each day focusing on the good. My life is really hard right now. I do my best to plod along through each days and I have varying degrees of success, but I can NEVER doubt that there is a loving Father in Heaven watching over me. I am constantly blessed by the little "Rays of Light" that come from above. And it is these simple rays that my my life worth living.

Ray of Light

I didn't write yesterday because I was sincerely busy the whole day, so don't worry that I was super down yesterday...it was pretty good.

Anyway, to catch you up here are my "Rays of Light" for Friday & Saturday:

*Friday: What a blessing good friends are. One of my friends from High School got a group of us girls together and it was a ton of fun. It was nice to be back with them and just chat about old times and find out that even though we really haven't been together much in the past years, we still have a lot in common and it almost seemed as if the years weren't between us.

*Saturday: Good family & the Good News! Last night I went with my mom and youngest sister to the General Relief Society Meeting*. It was so nice to be there with my family sharing with them what is most important in our lives. The messages the speakers gave were inspiring and uplifting and most importantly they moved me to live life better. One specific quote (I'm really paraphrasing because I can't promise it's exactly right) came from President Uchtdorf**. He said, "Being spirit daughters of God, happiness is your heritage." How beautiful is that. So often we get bogged down by the craziness of life and forget that in many ways, happiness is who we are. I feel SO blessed that I was there to hear this message and to be reminded what is really most important in life.

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*General Relief Society Meeting: A meeting they have once a year for the members of the Relief Society.
-Relief Society: Female Church members ages 18 and older belong to the Relief Society. The Relief Society was founded by the Prophet Joseph Smith on March 17, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois. In the days of its founding, it had two main purposes: to provide relief for the poor and needy and to bring people to Christ. The organization continues today, staying true to those original guiding principles as women in the Relief Society meet together on Sunday and in other settings as needed.

**President Uchtdorf:(born 6 November 1940), a former German aviator and airline executive, is the Second Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church).