Learning to Ask...

Life is full of busyness. That craziness just multiples during the holiday season. I love the excitement and evening the late nights preparing gifts and goodies for family and friends. This is something that truly makes my season bright...or it was in the past.

More and more I find that I have to limit myself. What was once rejuvenating and exhilarating, often drags me down and becomes more of a hindrance than a help. The past few weeks have been right on par with that idea.

I've been buzzing around getting this done and that done. Sure, in the moment I feel a bit of stress, but more so the excitement and joy of the process...so I keep going. I stretch to get just one more thing done. To put away one more toy, complete one more project, read one more page...

So often I feel like a broken record.
“Why am I so exhausted?”
“Why does this stress me out?”
“Why am I not happy?”
“Why is it never enough?”

Some might say I’m not grateful enough. Others might say I have unrealistic expectations. And still others might tell me that I just need to “buck up” and be happy.

Sadly, none of these options really works. I am TREMENDOUSLY grateful for what I have. I have the most supportive husband. At times I feel like he couldn’t be more supportive and then he does something else even more wonderful and I find myself in awe that the Lord would bless me with such a man.

My boys are SO darling. Often Bradley will call from upstairs, “Mom?!” I reply in my usual, “Yes, sweetheart?” And in the way that only he can do it, he calls back, “I love you!” Braeden is a ray of light as well. There is nothing I could wish for more than his excited face and voice when he runs into my room say, “Hi MOM!”

My new neighbor is truly a godsend. I loved the neighbors from before, but the Randalls are seriously exactly what I needed. Jen has seriously wanted to learn about what I’m going through more than almost anyone I’ve ever met, and we’ve known each other for less than a month. She offers to help all the time. I honestly don’t know quite what to do.

I could truly go on and on about how blessed I am. Sadly, I think that sometimes adds to the frustration. I KNOW I am so blessed, but I’m still not happy.

I suppose the unrealistic expectations could have something to do with it, but it’s hard when the same things were once positives for me and now they’re negatives. Or the things that I could once do with ease are now more than I can even think about doing.

And I’ve tried to “buck up” on SO many occasions, but when you’ve got depression that just plain doesn’t work.

I honestly think this process is going to be a LONG, possibly life long road for me and I’ll admit that’s a scary thought.

But…as I’ve said before, the Lord has blessed me. I have so many people willing to help, if I can just learn to ask. Thankfully I’m more than comfortable enough with my sweet husband to let him know when I feel horrible, but I’m struggling to place that burden on others. SO much of me wants to turn over the burden, but then the other part of me just can’t let it go.

So this is my new challenge. Learning to ask, and especially learning to do it without feeling guilty about it. Believe it or not, I am MUCH better than I once was, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I think that sometimes the Lord looks down upon me and just shakes His head because sometimes I’m just so darn stubborn and won’t take the help that is staring me in the face.

So, Jen…can you watch my boys again for me next week so I can go to my support group…?

Winter

Well, if I hadn't figured it out by the temperature, the snow falling was definitely a strong indication that winter has arrived. Yes, it looks like it will warm up again, but none the less, winter is upon us and I'm worried.

Living in the South for the last 3 winters has made me weak. I don't do cold and snow very well. It really helps my mood to be able to get outdoors. I also thrive on natural light. Even rainy days are really hard on me (yes, that's coming from a girl that grew up in Western Washington...boy how I've changed!). I'm trying to keep rational and not freak out, but the more and more I think about winter, the more worried I become...especially if we repeat Utah's last winter!

I want to make it through this winter without crashing. I'd love ANY suggestions you have on avoiding cabin fever. I know most of you that read this site don't have depression, but that doesn't mean that your suggestions won't help. Please send your ideas!

An Outsider in My Own Home

"I love my little family dearly and all I really want to do is to spend time with them, but I can't." That was the thought that kept running through my mind as I lay curled up under the navy blue comforter on my sons bed.

I could hear the excited laughter and giggles of my 2 boys playing with their father. Here I had a golden opportunity to make memories with the ones I loved most, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed.

I will give myself credit...I did try. Before I found my home in Bradley's bed, I was up on the couch. Again, I could hear their laughter and joy and decided I'd come join in the fun. I went downstairs and I was able to play for a few minutes, but that was all I could sustain.

I walked like a zombie into my sons room. I didn't even turn on any lights. I just lay there trapped in the darkness that is my reality more often than I'd like to think.

As I've said on many occasions, I wish I had the vocabulary to truly describe what I was feeling. Again, the idea of an out of body experience comes to mind. Inside my heart is SCREAMING for me to get out of bed and be with the ones I love. But my body, is manically laughing back daring my heart to just try it. And then I'm stuck somewhere in between...wanting one thing so much, but being unable to find the strength to do it.

I think what scares me the most is that I wonder if I was missed. Have my children become so accustomed to mommy sleeping or "resting" that they don't even notice when I've gone?

I am an outsider in my own home...

Ray of Light- To See Me

Today Ryan sent me the following link:
http://www.visionimpressions.com/poems/tosee.htm

For those of you that don't actually want to go to that site, here's the poem that is on it. If you do go to the site there is a beautiful picture and some music associated with it. As well as some additional dialogue about depression.

To See Me

by Deb Montgomery

So long...looking into the mirror

I saw only a reflection of an image,

a stranger looking back at me.

When looking into my eyes,

I saw only an emptiness, a void.

Beneath those eyes were many fears,

fears of pain,

fears of sorrow,

feelings of no hope.

How could I not know this face before me,

as I stood looking at the image in the mirror?

Where was this person that I used to be,

why couldn't I see?

Turning again looking into the mirror,

I saw my life,

one that had gone out

like a candle being extinguished.

All my pride,

my joy,

my hopes,

my desires,

my passion,

all was gone.

What reflected back from that mirror

was a stranger looking back at me.

Standing there feeling so alone,

lost and confused,

the fear set in, where was this person

I called ME?

Walking away from that image,

never wanting to look again,

my life continued on.

Over time I found myself looking in

that mirror again.

Yet this time when I looked,

what reflected back to me

was a face, my face,

my eyes filled with hope,

a burning love,a pride of being me,

a passion for living.

No longer a darkness did I see,

for out of my eyes a light was shining,

a reflection of ME!

For you see

I was no longer a stranger

to Me!

Yet there still is that pain deep within,

that pain has taken on

a new meaning in my life.

Through the tears

and

countless hours of feeling alone,

those hours I screamed out and no one heard

slowly through that pain and confusion

emerged the real me.

It took all those disappointments and life hurts

to make me stop

and look at the real Me!!

No longer am I just an image in a mirrorI

am a reflection of my life,

those hurts,

those joys,

that hope,

that burning passion,

that endless love.

I see now the true image

the image of Me!

I don't think I need to say much more. Deb Montgomery has so well captured what I am feeling. I don't believe I'm quite to the point of seeing the "real" me, but I'm on my way...and that is what hope is all about.

Stop Pretending

These past few days (well almost as week) have been CRAZY! Some just plain busy, but others I've just been REALLY tired (probably because of the busy days). Thankfully I haven't been SUPER down, but when I'm tired, I just don't have enough energy to blog.

Yesterday night (when I should have been sleeping) I read this book:

I equally loved and hated this book. I loved it because it did such a great job of capturing what mental illness is and can be, especially to family members and I hated it for the same reason.

The basic premise is about a 13 year old girl watching her sister struggle with Bipolar Disorder (she calls it Manic-Depressive disorder...same thing as Bipolar). She shares her fears, her hopes, and her frustrations. I think what haunts me most, is when she worries that it is her fault. Yes, since she's 13 I'm sure to a certain extent she knows that it isn't her fault and couldn't be, but at the same time, we really don't know what triggers something like this and so that idea worries her. It's just so real.

I worry that Bradley (my 4 year old) might think he's contributing to my depression. I just killed me when he told me one day, "Mom, it's okay. We'll just go downstairs and play and you can rest." Sure a certain level of my was SO proud that my sweet little boy could be so sensitive, but the other part of me was dying to know that he was having to be grown up enough to understand that. Am I robbing my boys of their childhood? I know I could do a lot more with them, but I usually don't have the emotional energy to do it. In some ways I'm hoping that Bradley was young enough when this all started that he really hasn't noticed a change, but then in other ways, how sad to think that he's never really known his mom and neither had Braeden for that matter.

I try to stay up beat and not let things like this occupy my mind...they only make it worse. Usually I'm pretty successful in my attempts. But books like this really get to me. They also make me realize just how carefully I need to act around my boys to give them the best chance at coming through this "normally."

Opening Up

I slowly became more open about my depression. I think I kept quiet for various reasons:

(1) I think I was scared of the stigma. I didn't want people to look at me with sad eyes and wonder how they could help this poor woman. Of course I wanted people to understand, but I never wanted to be looked down upon or to have others assume I was incapable because of the depression.

(2) I was afraid of rejection. This is similar to number 1, but still slightly different. I didn't want people to stop being my friend because they didn't feel like they could handle a friend with depression. I was also afraid that others wouldn't understand what depression was and basically assume I was just lazy instead of struggling with a disease just like someone with diabetes has a disease.

(3) I was afraid others wouldn't understand. I often felt like I could tell others what I'd been going through and they'd say something like, "Well we all have hard times. Just keep reading your scriptures, praying, and going to church and I'm sure it will get better soon." or "If you just exercise more, get more sleep, and balance your diet, everything should be fine." I think this forum has been the best way I've thought of so far to attempt to express what I'm going through. I can write my thoughts and ideas without interruption. In a conversation that can be very hard to do. I think I just felt like no one can really understand.

And probably the biggest reason of all...

(4) I was afraid to admit it to myself. Sure I wanted to have a reason why I was so out of sorts, but somehow opening up to others about what I was struggling with made it that much more real. If I was claiming I had depression to others, then I could no longer tell myself everything was just fine.

Finally I started to tell a person here or there as it seemed appropriate. The more I opened up the more comfortable I was about what was happening to me. I did find that some of the things I was scared of did happen, but never from close friends, and never with any ill intent.

Especially in relation to wanting someone else to understand, how could I truly expect them to do that? I mean, I think it's kind of like asking a man to completely understand what it's like to go through labor. Sure they can sympathize with how much pain and stress it is, but if you haven't given birth to a baby yourself, you'll only understand so well...and would I get mad at a man for not understanding that, of course not. They just can't. It's that plain and simple.

So the more I changed what I was expecting from others, the easier it was to share.

I was so touched by how so many people tried to understand the best they could. I obviously don't know what was going on in their heads, but at least outwardly they were so kind and non-judgemental. I really felt like they were trying to take it for what it was and let me dictate how much or little I could do.

I was also very surprised by how many others had suffered from some level of depression and not just moments of depression, actual diagnosed and medicated or treated depression. I can't say I was happy they were suffering, but it was also comforting to know that other women (I admit I didn't talk to many men about it, though I know many men suffer from depression as well), ones who I felt were on top of things and happy, had or were struggling with depression.

I had shared with many people early on that I was struggling with Post-Partum Depression, but many people did not know that I was still fighting and opening up about that revealed another layer of vulnerability. I think many people expect new mothers to struggle...I mean it's just plain hard to have a newborn...but the situation really changes when things don't get better.

But I was SO glad that I finally opened up...I was so blessed in return.