The Girl in a Whirl

A recent email conversation with one of my friends made me think of this poem. I would just like to give a big AMEN! We just need to give ourselves a break once in a while.

The Girl in a Whirl

by 'Dr. Sue'

( a.k.a.. Vickie Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!

You could do what I do

If you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day;

I bake,
I upholster,
I scrub, and
I pray.

I always keep all the commandments completely;

I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.

I help in their classrooms!

I sew all they wear!

I drive them to practice!

I cut all their hair!

I memorize names of the General Authorities;

I focus on things to be done by priorities.

I play the piano!

I bless with my talents!

My toilets all sparkle!

My checkbooks all balance!

Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;

I attend all my meetings (on time! Never late!)

I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;

Our t-shirts are ironed!

My toenails are polished!

Our family home evenings are always delightful;

The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.

I do genealogy faithfully, too.

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;

I know all the names of each youth in my stake!

I read to my children!

I help all my neighbors!

I bless the community, too, with my labors.

I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;

My visiting teaching is done the first day!

(I also go do it for someone who missed hers.

It's the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)

I chart resolutions and check off each goal;

I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.

I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.

I write in my journal!

I sing in the choir!

Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I admire.

My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!

My kids get straight A's!

And their bedrooms are clean!

I have a home business to help make some money;

I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.

I go to the temple at least once a week;

I change the car's tires!

I fix the sink's leak!

I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;

I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.

I make sure I rotate our two-years' supply;

My shopping for Christmas is done by July!

These things are not hard;

'tis good if you do them;

You can if you try!

Just set goals and pursue them!

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!

It's easy!" she said…


…and then she dropped dead.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal as long as we have enough perspective to realize that we're not going to get there in this life. We all need to work together to help others where they're weak and be humble enough to ask for help where we're weak.

Do something fun!

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I have ever received came from a favorite college professor, Dr. Bill Marshall. Ryan and I enrolled in his research methods class (specifically for the Marriage, Family, & Human Development degree), but we got SO much more than we'd bargained for. For starters we learned a ton about research, but he ran his class in a very different way (this is usually a VERY dreaded class, but with his style it was much more bearable), but what made his class the best came from an unlikely course of events.

While we were in college 9/11 happened and so consequently we were also in college during the big economic slump that followed. I don't remember the exact details, but basically the university was having to figure ways to reduce costs which meant that adjunct (part time) faculty had to go. This decision came mid-way through the semester and that is when things changed in Dr. Marshall's class.

He just happened to be one of those losing his job after that semester. Luckily this wasn't too devastating since he was planning to retire soon, but needless to say this wasn't in his plans so his plans had to change. He decided that in a lesson or 2 we'd finish up the basics of research and then he was going to give us what he considered his best lectures of his career. The things he felt were more practical and applicable to our future happiness.

I have to admit the first thing I was excited about was not having to write a research paper in our research methods class (isn't that cool...he figured we'd written our share of papers and he'd done his part by teaching us every thing we needed to do short of actually writing the paper...and what we he worried about, it's not like they were going to fire him!). But after that excitement wore off, I was really excited to hear what he felt was more important for our future. He'd been teaching for many years and had obviously lived many years as well, so he had his share of practical experience racked up and I was ready to glean from his wisdom.

I'd always enjoyed his style of teaching so I didn't mind attending his class, but after this change I couldn't wait to go to class. I LOVED my major (Marriage, Family, & Human Development). I didn't think there was anything better to prepare me for every facet of life, since you know you kind of deal with people all the time. And here I felt like Dr. Marshall was giving us the cream of the crop. It was FABULOUS!

I do admit I don't remember everything he taught us (you know...I'm just like Dory), but the principle that has been most helpful, especially as I try to balance and figure out this battle with depression was the following:

When is the best time to take a break?

BEFORE you need it!

I feel like in American society we try to run ourselves into the ground and then when we do get to take a break it is NEVER long enough. It was a really hard principle to start living (I've always tried to do WAY too much), but as I slowly started to make it part of my life, you know what? I felt better! (I can't believe it....he really was right?!)

For anyone I think this principle is SO important, but for someone with depression or any number of other mental illnesses, it is imperative.
The break doesn't have to be taking a trip to Hawaii or something like that (although I don't think that's a bad idea either), even just taking a few minutes out of each day to do something that you really love goes SO far.

I often find myself looking back at the last few hours of the day and if I've just been running from one thing to the next, I mentally cut off the rest of my to-do list and move it to the next day. Then I sit and read, or spend some Internet time, etc. The "break" will be different for each one of us, but it is SO worth it.

The days that I really crash come after a day where I didn't set proper limits and I never gave myself that break.

Sure it can be frustrating that I feel like I HAVE to take the break, but as I've talked about before, my reality and therefore my expectations have changed and so breaks have just become part of daily life.

So thank you Dr. Marshall for teaching me something that would be SO helpful to me, long before I really needed to know it.

An important addition to "Learning Limits"

I realized as I thought about what I posted that I didn't fully explain myself in the last post...

Serving others is a wonderful thing to do. A life absent of service is a truly sad thing. I definitely still try to serve others...it would be worse for me to not serve than to over serve. Where the major difference is, is that I have to take myself and where I am emotionally into consideration SO much more than I ever did before. I can't say yes to every, or even most service opportunities because if I do I find that I will not have enough strength to take care of my own family or myself. Again, this may sound similar to every one's situation, and to a certain extent it is, but I have to be that much more selective in what I'll do. I have to try my best to make sure I can accomplish the most with the least effort so I still have the emotional strength to go on. Now more than ever, I have to evaluate and make sure my cup is full (I guess think about it like my cups capacity has been cut in half) before I try to share with anyone else.

Learning Limits

Learning to cope with depression is really all about learning to set healthy limits and actually keep to them...SO much easier said than done.

My entire life I have been taught the following idea that was so eloquently put into words by Ghandi, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."I would find myself so drawn to those that needed help and in many ways that is how I defined myself. But then I was consumed with the plague of depression and the lens in which I viewed my life had to change.

How could it be wrong to want to focus on others?

Isn't that what I had been taught since I was a young child...both religiously speaking, and just as a general good way of living?

Then why was it how a harmful and wrong thing to do?

I suppose that using the word "Wrong" is maybe a little inaccurate, but it definitely wasn't "Right" for me to act the way I had before. I found myself so torn my this. I didn't understand how it could be right for me to have to shift to a more "Selfish" vs. "Selfless" way of being?

Sleep became increasingly more and more important. My OBGYN instructed me to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night (and mind you this is while I had a nursing 3 month old...YAY, RIGHT!). At first I just did my best, but over time I definitely started to notice that there was a DRASTIC difference when I would get more than 8 hours of sleep vs. just 8 hours. I'm not just talking I was less tired (that is of course the obvious result), but I was actually nearly unable to function with 8 hours of sleep. Even to this day I have to be a sleep NAZI! If I don't get enough (8+ hours) sleep I can usually count on the next 2 days being shot. Many others might not notice what I'm going through, but the internal struggle I go through to even function on days like that is SO tremendous that I often feel like I might have after pulling a week of all-nighters.

Exercise, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, keeping the house relatively organized, getting enough down time (i.e. 2-4 hours per day), etc. Again, these things seems normal and most of us are happier when we get these things done, but again the priority level of these things sky rocketed. Accomplishing these tasks literally takes me all the energy I have, but when I don't do them there is a direct correlation with how I feel...again, on a much more dramatic scale than for someone without depression.

As I'm reading through this I just feel my vocabulary is lacking me. How can I truly express the depth at which these things affect me? I try to think of other comparisons that someone else might understand, but they often fall short. One that I do like and I think might kind of come close is the following:

We all need to work on balancing our lives in order to keep healthy and happy. For the average person that is like riding a bike...maybe even a bike with training wheels that are in their highest position. Yes, you can stumble and fall if you don't work to keep the balance, but usually you can catch yourself before you completely fall. Someone with a major mental illness is riding a unicycle instead...without the benefit of any training wheels. The balance required is so immensely challenging that more often than I not I feel like I am crashed on the ground instead of actually riding anywhere.

I know my posts are especially dark and hard to read, but this has been my reality for much of the past 2 years. I have definitely had better times and worse times, but I would say the general direction I've been going is up. And if I want to continue to have it proceed in that direction, I must set and keep healthy limits.