Many days, these last three days particularly (as I mentioned in other posts, Bradley started preschool this week and so I have to be up and going much sooner than I'd been letting myself do in the past while) I find myself having to say, "Keep Moving! DO NOT sit down! You may be slow, but at least you're moving!" When I'm feeling a bit more goofy, I find myself thinking, "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! What do we do we swim, swim, swim!" (Like Dory from Finding Nemo) As dumb as it may sound, it really helps.
SO Often, I just want to crash on the couch after getting up...it's definitely the easier thing to do, but I'm always SO upset that I didn't get anything done. So despite the exhaustion I feel, overall I'm much happier if I just keep moving. Sometimes I seriously have to muster ALL of the motivation and energy I've got to keep moving, but again, it's always worth it. And sometimes I've even made a point of praying to be able to keep moving. I suppose that's active faith, to prayer for help in being proactive in getting what I believe is best for me (learning to work with the depression, not be defined by it.)
I first read this idea in The Ultimate Career, but it didn't sink in then. Thankfully I had it in the back of my mind to really help me now.
Showing posts with label The Ultimate Career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Ultimate Career. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
What is Faith?
The Ultimate Career, as I mentioned before was so helpful in re-guiding my scripture study. In general my mind is a mess of thoughts. I feel like there is constantly talking and craziness going on (no, not like hearing voices, but just busy thoughts and ideas). Focusing in general is hard to do, but even harder when you're talking about scriptural text. It's great, but not exactly the way we speak today. Focusing my study to one topic has really helped make my study SO much more productive.
I started with the topic of faith. I have always believed myself to be a person of faith. I mean, I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that the words of our modern prophets come from our Lord. I firmly believe that, "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." (2nd Nephi* 2:24). I believe that the Lord will not tempt us or try us more than we can handle. I could continue on for a long time about what I believe, but my point here is that I've always considered myself a woman of faith, but I think in a lot of ways I was more a woman of belief.
I had heard the scripture from James 2:14, 26 "14. What doth is profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him?...26. For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." But I think in many ways I really hadn't internalized it. I had faith that Lord could help me through my struggle with depression, but what "works" was I doing?
I spent many days reading from the book, We Believe. It is a fabulous compilation of words of scripture, both ancient and modern.** It definitely helped me get a great overview of the many things spoken on faith.
Each topic in the book is divided into different subheadings. This, again helped me to guide my study further. There were 3 specific subheadings that I found particularly helpful. (1) "Faith is the principle of righteous action; it will cause a person to do good works, whereas passive belief will not." (2) "Christ can do all things for those who exercise sufficient faith in Him." & (3) "Faith overcomes fear and doubt."
As I read the selections under these 3 subheadings, in conjunction with the others, I realized my mistake. I had great belief, but not great faith. Here I was praying for things to get better (which yes, on a base level is an action, but you need so much more), but I really wasn't DOING that much.
I love what James E. Talmage*** had to say:
Was my faith "vivified, vitalized, [or] living belief?" No! Again, to certain levels it was, but not fully. In same way I think I even thought that if I tried to take medicine or see a counselor or seek other outside help, I was NOT having faith. I was SO wrong.
How do you think great men and women discovered anti-depressants, or learned proven techniques to help ease the struggle, if not without inspiration from the Lord?
I felt like the flood gates of knowledge and understanding had just opened for me. Again, I knew the words in my mind, but I didn't KNOW them in my heart. I had belief, but I didn't truly have faith.
I know truly understood that I needed to do everything within my power to help myself and then when I was no longer able to continue, the Lord would pick up from there. Yes, as always, the Lord has mercifully helped me along the way and inspired my mind to search out specific things, but I was no longer passive, I was and am actively seeking to improve my situation.
*2nd Nephi: This is a book of scripture contained in The Book of Mormon. To more fully understand what The Book of Mormon is, here is a copy of the introduction. (For more information visit http://www.mormon.org/):
**Modern Scripture: Part of the LDS Church doctrine is the idea of modern revelation. We believe that the Lord can speak to us today, just as he spoke to prophets of old. We believe that the word of the Lord is scripture and therefore, the words He has revealed to our modern prophets (see below) are scripture as well.
***James E. Talmage: James Edward Talmage (September 21, 1862 – July 27, 1933) born in Hungerford, Berkshire, England, was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) from 1911 until his death in 1933. (Wikipedia)
****Joseph Smith, Jr.: As a young boy in 1820, Joseph Smith wanted to know which church was true. As he searched the Bible for help, he read that he should ask of God. Acting on this counsel, Joseph went into the woods near his home and prayed. Suddenly, a light shone above him and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. When Joseph asked which church he should join, the Savior told him to join none of the churches then in existence because they were teaching incorrect doctrines. Through this experience and many others that followed, the Lord chose Joseph to be His prophet and to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church to the earth. (www.lds.org)
*****John A. Widtsoe: John Andreas Widtsoe (pronounced /ˈwɪtsoʊ/, 31 January 1872 – 29 November 1952) was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) from 1921 until his death. Widtsoe was also a noted author, scientist, and academician. (Wikipedia)
I started with the topic of faith. I have always believed myself to be a person of faith. I mean, I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that the words of our modern prophets come from our Lord. I firmly believe that, "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." (2nd Nephi* 2:24). I believe that the Lord will not tempt us or try us more than we can handle. I could continue on for a long time about what I believe, but my point here is that I've always considered myself a woman of faith, but I think in a lot of ways I was more a woman of belief.
I had heard the scripture from James 2:14, 26 "14. What doth is profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him?...26. For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." But I think in many ways I really hadn't internalized it. I had faith that Lord could help me through my struggle with depression, but what "works" was I doing?
I spent many days reading from the book, We Believe. It is a fabulous compilation of words of scripture, both ancient and modern.** It definitely helped me get a great overview of the many things spoken on faith.
Each topic in the book is divided into different subheadings. This, again helped me to guide my study further. There were 3 specific subheadings that I found particularly helpful. (1) "Faith is the principle of righteous action; it will cause a person to do good works, whereas passive belief will not." (2) "Christ can do all things for those who exercise sufficient faith in Him." & (3) "Faith overcomes fear and doubt."
As I read the selections under these 3 subheadings, in conjunction with the others, I realized my mistake. I had great belief, but not great faith. Here I was praying for things to get better (which yes, on a base level is an action, but you need so much more), but I really wasn't DOING that much.
I love what James E. Talmage*** had to say:
"The terms faith and belief are sometimes regarded as synonyms; nevertheless
each of them has a specific meaning in our language, although in earlier usage
there was little distinction between them, and therefore the words are used
interchangeably in many scriptural passages. Belief, in one of its accepted
senses, may consist in a merely intellectual assent, while faith implies such confidence and conviction as will impel to action."
"Dictionary authority justifies us in drawing a distinction between the two,
according to present usage in English; and this authority defines belief as a
mental assent to the truth or actuality of anything, excluding, however, the
moral element of responsibility through such assent, which responsibility is
included by faith. Belief is in a sense passive, an agreement or acceptance only; faith is active and positive, embracing such reliance and confidence as will lead to works. Faith in Christ comprises belief in Him, combined with trust in Him. One cannot have faith without belief; yet he may believe and still lack faith. Faith is vivified, vitalized, living belief."
Was my faith "vivified, vitalized, [or] living belief?" No! Again, to certain levels it was, but not fully. In same way I think I even thought that if I tried to take medicine or see a counselor or seek other outside help, I was NOT having faith. I was SO wrong.
How do you think great men and women discovered anti-depressants, or learned proven techniques to help ease the struggle, if not without inspiration from the Lord?
I felt like the flood gates of knowledge and understanding had just opened for me. Again, I knew the words in my mind, but I didn't KNOW them in my heart. I had belief, but I didn't truly have faith.
I know truly understood that I needed to do everything within my power to help myself and then when I was no longer able to continue, the Lord would pick up from there. Yes, as always, the Lord has mercifully helped me along the way and inspired my mind to search out specific things, but I was no longer passive, I was and am actively seeking to improve my situation.
There were SO many other quotes that just filled my mind and heart.
I'll post a few more below, but the main body of this post is done:
"10. If men were duly to consider themselves, and turn their thoughts
and reflections to the operations of their own minds, they would readily
discover that it is faith, and faith only, which is the moving cause of all
action in them; that without it both mind and body would be in a state of
inactivity, and all their exertions would cease, both physical and
mental.
"11. ...Would you exert yourselves to obtain wisdom and intelligence,
unless you did believe that you could obtain them? Would you have ever sown, if you had not believed that you would reap? ...In a word, is there anything that you would have done, either physical or mental, if you had not previously believed? Are not all your exertions of every kind, dependent on your faith? Or, may we not ask, what have you, or what do you possess, which you have not obtained by reason of your faith? Your food, your raiment, your lodgings, are they not all by reason of your faith? Reflect, and ask yourselves if these things are not so. Turn your thoughts on your own minds, and see if faith is not the moving cause of all action in yourselves; and, if the moving cause in you, is it not in all other intelligent beings?"
(Joseph Smith, Jr.**** , Lectures on Faith)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"The problem of faith as of every gift of the Lord, is twofold: to secure it, and to use it. We speak easily of faith, but altogether too often fail to use it. We recall that it is knowledge, high knowledge, but forget that it is also power, mighty power, and therefore fail to use the greatest force placed within our reach in every issue of life."
(John A. Widtsoe*****)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I do not realize that we need to speak of faith and works as distinct from each other. There is no true faith without works. It is only belief if the works be left out. And in that sense, the sense in which Paul, the scholar, the student of language, the master of philosophy of his day, used the term, he meant by the use of the term faith, faith as God understands it, faith as it has been declared in the divine word, which means work, effort, sacrifice, service."
(James E. Talmage)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?"(Luke 6:46)
****************************
*2nd Nephi: This is a book of scripture contained in The Book of Mormon. To more fully understand what The Book of Mormon is, here is a copy of the introduction. (For more information visit http://www.mormon.org/):
INTRODUCTIONThe book was written by many ancient prophets by the spirit of prophecy and revelation. Their words, written on gold plates, were quoted and abridged by a prophet-historian named Mormon. The record gives an account of two great civilizations. One came from Jerusalem in 600 B.C., and
The Book of Mormon is a volume of holy scripture comparable to the Bible. It is a record of God’s dealings with the ancient inhabitants of the Americas and contains, as does the Bible, the fulness of the everlasting gospel.
afterward separated into two nations, known as the Nephites and the Lamanites. The other came much earlier when the Lord confounded the tongues at the Tower of Babel. This group is known as the Jaredites. After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the American Indians.
The crowning event recorded in the Book of Mormon is the personal ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ among the Nephites soon after his resurrection. It puts forth the doctrines of the gospel, outlines the plan of salvation, and tells men what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come.
After Mormon completed his writings, he delivered the account to his son Moroni, who added a
few words of his own and hid up the plates in the hill Cumorah. On September 21, 1823, the same Moroni, then a glorified, resurrected being, appeared to the Prophet Joseph Smith and instructed him relative to the ancient record and its destined translation into the English language.
In due course the plates were delivered to Joseph Smith, who translated them by the gift and power of God. The record is now published in many languages as a new and additional witness that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that all who will come unto him and obey the laws and ordinances of his gospel may be saved.
Concerning this record the Prophet Joseph Smith said: “I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.”
In addition to Joseph Smith, the Lord provided for eleven others to see the gold plates for themselves and to be special witnesses of the truth and divinity of the Book of Mormon. Their written testimonies are included herewith as “The Testimony of Three Witnesses” and “The Testimony of Eight Witnesses.”
We invite all men everywhere to read the Book of Mormon, to ponder in their hearts the message
it contains, and then to ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ if the book is true. Those who pursue this course and ask in faith will gain a testimony of its truth and divinity by the power of the Holy Ghost. (See Moroni 10: 3-5.)
Those who gain this divine witness from the Holy Spirit will also come to know by the same power that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, that Joseph Smith is his revelator and prophet in these last days, and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Lord’s kingdom once again established on the earth, preparatory to the second coming of the Messiah.
**Modern Scripture: Part of the LDS Church doctrine is the idea of modern revelation. We believe that the Lord can speak to us today, just as he spoke to prophets of old. We believe that the word of the Lord is scripture and therefore, the words He has revealed to our modern prophets (see below) are scripture as well.
-Prophets: As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are blessed to be led by living prophets—inspired men called to speak for the Lord, as did Moses, Isaiah, Peter, Paul, Nephi, Mormon, and other prophets of the scriptures. We sustain the President of the Church as prophet, seer, and revelator—the only person on the earth who receives revelation to guide the entire Church. We also sustain the counselors in the First Presidency and the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators. (http://www.lds.org/)
***James E. Talmage: James Edward Talmage (September 21, 1862 – July 27, 1933) born in Hungerford, Berkshire, England, was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) from 1911 until his death in 1933. (Wikipedia)
****Joseph Smith, Jr.: As a young boy in 1820, Joseph Smith wanted to know which church was true. As he searched the Bible for help, he read that he should ask of God. Acting on this counsel, Joseph went into the woods near his home and prayed. Suddenly, a light shone above him and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. When Joseph asked which church he should join, the Savior told him to join none of the churches then in existence because they were teaching incorrect doctrines. Through this experience and many others that followed, the Lord chose Joseph to be His prophet and to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church to the earth. (www.lds.org)
*****John A. Widtsoe: John Andreas Widtsoe (pronounced /ˈwɪtsoʊ/, 31 January 1872 – 29 November 1952) was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) from 1921 until his death. Widtsoe was also a noted author, scientist, and academician. (Wikipedia)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
My New Reality
The Ultimate Career was wonderful for me in many ways, but in one specific way it was definitely a blessing in disguise.
As I've mentioned in other posts, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). One big problem with that, I'm still suffering and my son turned 2 on Sunday. For most PPD suffers they usually get over it in less than 2 years.
An aside...every case of PPD is different, but at least from my understanding most women do get over it in less than 2 years. The Mayo Clinic website says this: "Untreated postpartum depression can last up to a year or longer. Sometimes untreated postpartum depression becomes a chronic depressive disorder. Even when treated, postpartum depression increases a woman's risk of future episodes of major depression."
I was desperately holding on to the fact that my depression would be going away. I think it was what kept me going. I kept thinking "this too shall pass." But it wasn't! I'm sure somewhere deep down I knew that something more was going on, but I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself. After reading the chapter from The Ultimate Career, I had to face the music.
This was a turning point for me. Whether I had depression before having Braeden and the birth was just the last straw on the camel's back, or whether my PPD wasn't treated well enough and turned into full blown clinical depression, I'm not sure, but either way, I had to start looking at things differently.
I just knew in my heart after reading how Elaine had suffered from depression for 14 years before the book was written and it wasn't going away for her. I knew that my reality was the same.
I also knew that my approach to life with depression was all wrong as well. I had been praying from the beginning that I might overcome the depression. I had asked for help in making it go away when instead I should have been making a completely different request.
There were a few VERY "slow days" while I was trying to reconcile in my mind what having a chronic illness meant. I realized that I'm only 27 and even if I have a shorter life than most I should live at least another 40 years. I wasn't sure I could handle 40 years of this. In many ways it felt like it would be 40 years of hell.
An aside, I don't use the word hell lightly, but I think it accurately describes what I was feeling. To have to live in that darkness for 40 years really would be like hell to me.
Thankfully, through nothing short of divine intervention, I realized that since my reality had changed (or at least my awareness of my reality), that my outlook had to change as well. So instead of praying for my depression to go away, I had to start asking for help living with depression, but not being defined by it.
Who knows what medical science will bring in the years to come, a cure for depression would be WONDERFUL, but I can't put all my eggs in that basket. My new way of looking at things is to assume that medical science will make no improvements in mental health treatment, so the remedy has to come from me.
I started to look for more outside help. I looked into various therapist options, I searched out a support group (The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), and I prayed with new fervency.
Again, I may be blessed to have this trial removed from me before this earthly life is over, but if not, that's okay. I definitely still have "slow days" and some really "bad days," but overall I'd say my progress is in a positive direction. I take one day at a time and more and more often I feel happy.
I am in a war with my depression and I am going to win!
As I've mentioned in other posts, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD). One big problem with that, I'm still suffering and my son turned 2 on Sunday. For most PPD suffers they usually get over it in less than 2 years.
An aside...every case of PPD is different, but at least from my understanding most women do get over it in less than 2 years. The Mayo Clinic website says this: "Untreated postpartum depression can last up to a year or longer. Sometimes untreated postpartum depression becomes a chronic depressive disorder. Even when treated, postpartum depression increases a woman's risk of future episodes of major depression."
I was desperately holding on to the fact that my depression would be going away. I think it was what kept me going. I kept thinking "this too shall pass." But it wasn't! I'm sure somewhere deep down I knew that something more was going on, but I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself. After reading the chapter from The Ultimate Career, I had to face the music.
This was a turning point for me. Whether I had depression before having Braeden and the birth was just the last straw on the camel's back, or whether my PPD wasn't treated well enough and turned into full blown clinical depression, I'm not sure, but either way, I had to start looking at things differently.
I just knew in my heart after reading how Elaine had suffered from depression for 14 years before the book was written and it wasn't going away for her. I knew that my reality was the same.
I also knew that my approach to life with depression was all wrong as well. I had been praying from the beginning that I might overcome the depression. I had asked for help in making it go away when instead I should have been making a completely different request.
There were a few VERY "slow days" while I was trying to reconcile in my mind what having a chronic illness meant. I realized that I'm only 27 and even if I have a shorter life than most I should live at least another 40 years. I wasn't sure I could handle 40 years of this. In many ways it felt like it would be 40 years of hell.
An aside, I don't use the word hell lightly, but I think it accurately describes what I was feeling. To have to live in that darkness for 40 years really would be like hell to me.
Thankfully, through nothing short of divine intervention, I realized that since my reality had changed (or at least my awareness of my reality), that my outlook had to change as well. So instead of praying for my depression to go away, I had to start asking for help living with depression, but not being defined by it.
Who knows what medical science will bring in the years to come, a cure for depression would be WONDERFUL, but I can't put all my eggs in that basket. My new way of looking at things is to assume that medical science will make no improvements in mental health treatment, so the remedy has to come from me.
I started to look for more outside help. I looked into various therapist options, I searched out a support group (The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), and I prayed with new fervency.
Again, I may be blessed to have this trial removed from me before this earthly life is over, but if not, that's okay. I definitely still have "slow days" and some really "bad days," but overall I'd say my progress is in a positive direction. I take one day at a time and more and more often I feel happy.
I am in a war with my depression and I am going to win!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Another key point from The Ultimate Career
I neglected to mention one additional point that really struck me from the chapter in The Ultimate Career. Elaine mentioned how her therapist gave her a unique suggestion. She told her instead of calling them "Bad Days" call your harder times, "Slow Days."
Somehow calling them "Slow Days" has really been a positive for me. I guess it comes down to connotations of words, but "slow" doesn't sound nearly so depressing as "bad." So for my own personal classification, I have "Good Days," "Slow Days," and thankfully only occasionally "Bad Days." (Bad Days = Days that aren't even good enough to use the nice euphemism, "slow days.")
Somehow calling them "Slow Days" has really been a positive for me. I guess it comes down to connotations of words, but "slow" doesn't sound nearly so depressing as "bad." So for my own personal classification, I have "Good Days," "Slow Days," and thankfully only occasionally "Bad Days." (Bad Days = Days that aren't even good enough to use the nice euphemism, "slow days.")
My First Ray of Hope
I had a CRAZY freshman year experience, but from that my apartment and the one next door have become such good friends. To this day (over 8 years later) we have an online forum where we keep in touch from literally all over the country and from time to time all over the world. I love our forum. It has been such a blessing to me in so many ways, but the most amazing blessing came after I mentioned my continued struggle with depression.
One of my sweet friends, Natalie, hadn't realized I was still struggling. Some might say by chance, but I say through the hand of the Lord, Natalie was guided to rereading a book she hadn't picked up for years...The Ultimate Career. There was one chapter entitled, When Illness Strikes Home: One Woman's Story of Depression that she felt inspired to share with me.
It was nothing short of a Godsend! It was exactly what I needed at a TREMENDOUSLY difficult time. Elaine, the woman in the story, shared how she had been diagnosed with depression 14 years earlier. What first drew me into the story was her description of her struggle with depression...I felt like I could have written the description myself.
An aside...I think it is very important to understand that depression comes in many different forms. I know I don't understand them all, but not everyone experiences it the same way I do. Some have more anxiety, some get more moody and angry, but I got low...and I mean SUPER LOW!
I just felt SO thankful to hear of someone suffering to the same extent I had...again, not happy she had suffered, but thankful to not be alone.
She shared how she had struggled, but even more importantly she shared how she had coped.
There were SO many wonderful things that she listed. I was HIGHLY recommend anyone struggling with depression to pick up this book and read the chapter. But let me share with you the ideas that were most meaningful to me.
Scripture Study: This is something SO hard for me right now. In general, scripture study is hard for most people, but I have dyslexia as well...so comprehension is already hard to come by, then add the language of the scriptures to that and it's just plain hard. But then add depression to that and it feels nearly impossible.
So often I feel like my mind is in a fog. When I try to think quietly I feel like someone inside my head is flipping stations on the radio...there is NEVER any calm. I feel like I'm constantly fighting to focus. So you can imagine how difficult that would make trying to read and glean ANYTHING from the scriptures.
Elaine suggested topical study vs. reading chapter to chapter. I've heard of that before and even done it before, but it just didn't click to do it now. So I tried it. Oh, my goodness! I seriously felt like a whole new world had been opened up to me. For some reason not having to guess the topic of what I was reading and really being able to spend several days on one topic made a world of difference for me. I felt like I was reading some verses for the first time. I really had whole new eyes. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
She specifically mentioned starting with a study of faith (for obvious reasons) and that was PERFECT for me. There is SO much to be said about faith that I'll dedicate several other posts to what I learned.
Love: For this topic, I'm going to quote a chapter from the book:
"Another time, during a low moment when I was feeling particularly distraught, I said to Mark [her husband], 'I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me.' He looked at me as if I had hit him. ' We are in this together!' he exclaimed. 'I would never leave you, I love you,' he declared as he gave me a hug. 'Wouldn't you do the same for me if things were reversed? Honey, we are in this together.' Well, of course, I would not leave him and, of course, I would take care of him if he were sick..." (The Ultimate Career, pg. 159)
I had had those VERY same feelings on countless occasions. I seriously felt like Ryan would have every right in the world to leave me. I felt like all I was doing was creating more work for him and dragging him down. Somehow reading the words Elaine's husband told her, made everything Ryan had tried to assure me of, so much more real. I knew it then, and I know with all my heart now, that he's in it for the long haul and the LAST thing he'd think of doing is to kick me when I'm down, by deserting me.
An aside, sadly I know this is not the reality for everyone. I honestly thank my Lord EVERY day that I was blessed with such and understanding a wonderful husband. I'm sure there are days when it is really hard, but thankfully the love that we have for each other runs so much deeper than depression can ever truly touch.
Natalie was a Godsend (on more than one occasion) and this chapter was a Godsend. Together they were one of the first real rays of hope in the darkness I called my life.
One of my sweet friends, Natalie, hadn't realized I was still struggling. Some might say by chance, but I say through the hand of the Lord, Natalie was guided to rereading a book she hadn't picked up for years...The Ultimate Career. There was one chapter entitled, When Illness Strikes Home: One Woman's Story of Depression that she felt inspired to share with me.
It was nothing short of a Godsend! It was exactly what I needed at a TREMENDOUSLY difficult time. Elaine, the woman in the story, shared how she had been diagnosed with depression 14 years earlier. What first drew me into the story was her description of her struggle with depression...I felt like I could have written the description myself.
An aside...I think it is very important to understand that depression comes in many different forms. I know I don't understand them all, but not everyone experiences it the same way I do. Some have more anxiety, some get more moody and angry, but I got low...and I mean SUPER LOW!
I just felt SO thankful to hear of someone suffering to the same extent I had...again, not happy she had suffered, but thankful to not be alone.
She shared how she had struggled, but even more importantly she shared how she had coped.
There were SO many wonderful things that she listed. I was HIGHLY recommend anyone struggling with depression to pick up this book and read the chapter. But let me share with you the ideas that were most meaningful to me.
Scripture Study: This is something SO hard for me right now. In general, scripture study is hard for most people, but I have dyslexia as well...so comprehension is already hard to come by, then add the language of the scriptures to that and it's just plain hard. But then add depression to that and it feels nearly impossible.
So often I feel like my mind is in a fog. When I try to think quietly I feel like someone inside my head is flipping stations on the radio...there is NEVER any calm. I feel like I'm constantly fighting to focus. So you can imagine how difficult that would make trying to read and glean ANYTHING from the scriptures.
Elaine suggested topical study vs. reading chapter to chapter. I've heard of that before and even done it before, but it just didn't click to do it now. So I tried it. Oh, my goodness! I seriously felt like a whole new world had been opened up to me. For some reason not having to guess the topic of what I was reading and really being able to spend several days on one topic made a world of difference for me. I felt like I was reading some verses for the first time. I really had whole new eyes. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
She specifically mentioned starting with a study of faith (for obvious reasons) and that was PERFECT for me. There is SO much to be said about faith that I'll dedicate several other posts to what I learned.
Love: For this topic, I'm going to quote a chapter from the book:
"Another time, during a low moment when I was feeling particularly distraught, I said to Mark [her husband], 'I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me.' He looked at me as if I had hit him. ' We are in this together!' he exclaimed. 'I would never leave you, I love you,' he declared as he gave me a hug. 'Wouldn't you do the same for me if things were reversed? Honey, we are in this together.' Well, of course, I would not leave him and, of course, I would take care of him if he were sick..." (The Ultimate Career, pg. 159)
I had had those VERY same feelings on countless occasions. I seriously felt like Ryan would have every right in the world to leave me. I felt like all I was doing was creating more work for him and dragging him down. Somehow reading the words Elaine's husband told her, made everything Ryan had tried to assure me of, so much more real. I knew it then, and I know with all my heart now, that he's in it for the long haul and the LAST thing he'd think of doing is to kick me when I'm down, by deserting me.
An aside, sadly I know this is not the reality for everyone. I honestly thank my Lord EVERY day that I was blessed with such and understanding a wonderful husband. I'm sure there are days when it is really hard, but thankfully the love that we have for each other runs so much deeper than depression can ever truly touch.
Natalie was a Godsend (on more than one occasion) and this chapter was a Godsend. Together they were one of the first real rays of hope in the darkness I called my life.
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