Yesterday night (when I should have been sleeping) I read this book:
I equally loved and hated this book. I loved it because it did such a great job of capturing what mental illness is and can be, especially to family members and I hated it for the same reason.
The basic premise is about a 13 year old girl watching her sister struggle with Bipolar Disorder (she calls it Manic-Depressive disorder...same thing as Bipolar). She shares her fears, her hopes, and her frustrations. I think what haunts me most, is when she worries that it is her fault. Yes, since she's 13 I'm sure to a certain extent she knows that it isn't her fault and couldn't be, but at the same time, we really don't know what triggers something like this and so that idea worries her. It's just so real.
I worry that Bradley (my 4 year old) might think he's contributing to my depression. I just killed me when he told me one day, "Mom, it's okay. We'll just go downstairs and play and you can rest." Sure a certain level of my was SO proud that my sweet little boy could be so sensitive, but the other part of me was dying to know that he was having to be grown up enough to understand that. Am I robbing my boys of their childhood? I know I could do a lot more with them, but I usually don't have the emotional energy to do it. In some ways I'm hoping that Bradley was young enough when this all started that he really hasn't noticed a change, but then in other ways, how sad to think that he's never really known his mom and neither had Braeden for that matter.
I try to stay up beat and not let things like this occupy my mind...they only make it worse. Usually I'm pretty successful in my attempts. But books like this really get to me. They also make me realize just how carefully I need to act around my boys to give them the best chance at coming through this "normally."
3 comments:
Did you buy this book or get it at the library? If you own it, you should probably let me borrow it.
Yep, I own it! You're more than welcome to borrow it. And it's a TOTALLY quick read (i.e. late at night a dyslexic like me read it in just over a hour.).
Don't worry too much about Bradley... I'd guess part of that is just being the oldest kid. It totally sounds like something I would have said!
I was 5 the first time my mom had cancer, and I remember her being sick and in bed twice (even though it probably happened a lot). But when I look back on that time, I have way more memories of how she was active in my life (even though I know that those times were probably rare). The memories of the good days are going to out-shine those of the "slow" days, I promise.
I know cancer is different and more short-term than depression... but I'm sure Bradley and Braeden will both have amazing childhood memories of their time with you! You are a great mom, and I know you work so hard to give your boys your time and attention.
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