As I slowly started to figure out what was going on with my life I become more and more aware of the burden I had been. I KNOW Ryan would never say anything like that, but I could see how often he had to pick up the slack. He was SO tremendously busy, but never complained. I think what ate me up the most about all of that was seeing the exhaustion in Ryan's eyes, but not having the emotional strength to do anything about it.
At times I felt emotionally like a child. I couldn't handle it when Ryan wasn't superhuman...and they didn't happen very often. We'd be lying in bed talking after a long day and he would fall asleep. I would be SO frustrated with him, but at the same time I knew that I was being unfair, but again, I almost felt like I couldn't help it.
Or he might be a little short tempered (and I mean a VERY little...he is truly amazing) and then I'd get all mopey and sad. I'd turn my barely rational self into an irrationally 8 year old. Again, I could see what I was doing, but I didn't seem to be able to change how I was feeling.
Thankfully over time I've become better at trying to be considerate of him, but it is definitely a constant fight. My hat goes off to all of those spouses, family members, and friends that pay the price for depression even when they don't have it.
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