Darkness

I started my prescription for Zoloft the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. Even though I weaned myself in just like instructed it was a very low weekend. Friday was fine, and Saturday wasn't too bad, but Sunday was horrible. I vividly remember sitting in Relief Society* trying to focus on the lesson, but all I could do was control the tears. I was in a darker place than I had ever encountered or ever hope to encounter.

Thankfully Ryan warned me that this might happen so I wasn't caught totally off guard, but then again, what can truly prepare you for the way I was feeling? I'm not sure I even have words to describe it. I think before I was feeling more hollow and apathetic. I think as a defense mechanism my body had shut down any real feelings; which in and of itself, is a strange place to be. You're low, but in some ways more because you have had to cut off a part of yourself and so you don't really feel the highs and happy times either.

At the time I would have never described it that way, but after starting the medication and taking the MAJOR dip in emotions, there is no question that I wasn't fully feeling how bad things were. Again, I just wish I had the words to describe it...or maybe I don't? I'm not sure I would want anyone else to feel so low. In many ways I felt like I had been cut off from all happiness and maybe even God.

Now being cut off from God may not be a big deal for everyone, but as a devout member of **The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it was the worst possible thing that could happen. My Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ, are so much more to me than a distant and scary controller of the universe. I truly feel that I have a personal relationship with them. I believe that Heavenly Father is truly my father. Not of my physical body, but of my spirit. But just like the ideal earthly father, our Heavenly Father is there for us in good and bad times. He loves us more than we can even comprehend. He wants us to come to Him and I truly believe He wants nothing more than to hold us in His all loving arms when we are in times of pain.

I believe our Savior, Jesus Christ, is my spiritual brother who truly suffered for each and everyone of my sins, but during this time of trial even more importantly, He bore the weight of my pains. He KNOWS what I was feeling. He KNOWS the depth of my despair. He is the ONLY one that can 100% understand what I was feeling.

So here I was feeling like I had lost the loving arms of my Heavenly Father and the understanding from the one person who truly knew how I was feeling. I imagine it must be to some degree what Hell must feel like. Even just describing this nearly 2 years later, I find myself overcome with emotion...

As I mentioned before, here I was a mother feeling so cut off from my Father. I can only imagine the depth of His pain for me. I know when I watch one of my young sons suffer through something a simple as a cold, my heart aches for them. I have NO DOUBT that my Heavenly Father was weeping for me and pleading that I realize that He had not, NOR WILL EVER leave me.

It was the deepest darkness and despair I've ever felt.

Mercifully the Lord did not allow the the depth of that trial to last more than a few days.

Slowly, as the medication took effect in my body, my emotions were able to level off to a certain extent and I was not completely consumed by darkness.




*The 3rd hour of LDS church services is divided into various groups. Relief Society is the group for the women 18 and older in the church.

**Also known as Mormons