Thursday, December 4, 2008

Learning to Ask...

Life is full of busyness. That craziness just multiples during the holiday season. I love the excitement and evening the late nights preparing gifts and goodies for family and friends. This is something that truly makes my season bright...or it was in the past.

More and more I find that I have to limit myself. What was once rejuvenating and exhilarating, often drags me down and becomes more of a hindrance than a help. The past few weeks have been right on par with that idea.

I've been buzzing around getting this done and that done. Sure, in the moment I feel a bit of stress, but more so the excitement and joy of the process...so I keep going. I stretch to get just one more thing done. To put away one more toy, complete one more project, read one more page...

So often I feel like a broken record.
“Why am I so exhausted?”
“Why does this stress me out?”
“Why am I not happy?”
“Why is it never enough?”

Some might say I’m not grateful enough. Others might say I have unrealistic expectations. And still others might tell me that I just need to “buck up” and be happy.

Sadly, none of these options really works. I am TREMENDOUSLY grateful for what I have. I have the most supportive husband. At times I feel like he couldn’t be more supportive and then he does something else even more wonderful and I find myself in awe that the Lord would bless me with such a man.

My boys are SO darling. Often Bradley will call from upstairs, “Mom?!” I reply in my usual, “Yes, sweetheart?” And in the way that only he can do it, he calls back, “I love you!” Braeden is a ray of light as well. There is nothing I could wish for more than his excited face and voice when he runs into my room say, “Hi MOM!”

My new neighbor is truly a godsend. I loved the neighbors from before, but the Randalls are seriously exactly what I needed. Jen has seriously wanted to learn about what I’m going through more than almost anyone I’ve ever met, and we’ve known each other for less than a month. She offers to help all the time. I honestly don’t know quite what to do.

I could truly go on and on about how blessed I am. Sadly, I think that sometimes adds to the frustration. I KNOW I am so blessed, but I’m still not happy.

I suppose the unrealistic expectations could have something to do with it, but it’s hard when the same things were once positives for me and now they’re negatives. Or the things that I could once do with ease are now more than I can even think about doing.

And I’ve tried to “buck up” on SO many occasions, but when you’ve got depression that just plain doesn’t work.

I honestly think this process is going to be a LONG, possibly life long road for me and I’ll admit that’s a scary thought.

But…as I’ve said before, the Lord has blessed me. I have so many people willing to help, if I can just learn to ask. Thankfully I’m more than comfortable enough with my sweet husband to let him know when I feel horrible, but I’m struggling to place that burden on others. SO much of me wants to turn over the burden, but then the other part of me just can’t let it go.

So this is my new challenge. Learning to ask, and especially learning to do it without feeling guilty about it. Believe it or not, I am MUCH better than I once was, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I think that sometimes the Lord looks down upon me and just shakes His head because sometimes I’m just so darn stubborn and won’t take the help that is staring me in the face.

So, Jen…can you watch my boys again for me next week so I can go to my support group…?

4 comments:

Vicky said...

I wish we lived close enough together that I could be of some help. I'm glad God has blessed you with such a great neighbor-- to think, He had it all worked out when you first bought your house earlier this year. :)

rantipoler said...

I really think that one of the worst things people can say to you when you're depressed is "buck up" or "be happy" or any other variety of that phrase. I think people don't realize that that's exactly what you're trying to do and that it's not that easy. When I was at my worst, the only thing that helped was knowing that my Heavenly Father loved me. Even when I doubted everything else, it was something to hold on to. It's so great that you have TONS of people that love you and want to help. Including me. :)

HeatherH said...

I think us as mothers in general need to be aware of the fact that we can't do as much as we used to. It's hard cutting back, decorating less, baking less, less service projects, etc. I think the best thing to do is think about what you CAN do and be happy about that, if that makes sense. I often get frustrated that I can't do as much, but there still is a lot that I am doing and can do. :)

Kenna said...

Hi Marianne,

I think the holiday season just gets crazier and crazier each year and we expect more and more of ourselves until we eventually snap. I think that we just need to do what we can do, and then focus on all of the love and joy of family that comes with this season. I too wish I lived closer to you so I could watch your boys for an afternoon.