A Light in the Darkness

Sowing Seeds of Faith

2010-05-30T22:14:00.002-06:00

This weekend I spent many hours in my yard. I planted our garden, helped my neighbor plant hers, sprayed round-up on some killer weeds (they know how to grow 'em out here!) and then I did my share of weeding. Anyone that really knows me understands that this is not really my thing, but I felt very blessed to have the opportunity to have a yard to need to take care of and I do admit I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when my efforts result in a beautiful yard and a bountiful harvest.

I do also love the parallel to nurturing our faith. Just like weeds can easily overrun what might have otherwise been a thriving garden, when we don't care for ourselves spiritually we too can be overrun my sin and neglect.

I'm so thankful to be able to go to church weekly and be renewed. And to have access to scriptures and words of the prophets to be the "Round Up" in my life.

YAY for sun!

2010-05-25T09:44:00.003-06:00

It really does make the biggest difference when it's a beautiful sunny morning. I still feel a little low, but seeing the blue sky and spending a little time outside does wonders for my mood. I'm excited that the rest of the week looks pretty good too. Maybe Utah's finally reached Spring.

Other rays of light:

*Snuggles with my sons.

*Freshly mowed lawn (that I didn't have to mow)

*Bradley's excitement about the last week of school activities.

*Actually sticking to my diet yesterday!

*Finally cleaning all of the tumble weed out of my yard. (It's truly amazing how much of that stuff gets into my yard with our "crazy winds" - as Braeden would call them.)

*Naps

*Knowing that when I roll over at night, my sweet husband is there beside me.

The Power of Light

2010-05-24T09:58:00.002-06:00

I woke up to snow this morning and I was admittedly a little bummed. I love snow in the right season, but spring is for sun, right?! Luckily I wouldn't call myself someone with classic SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but by this time of year I come to expect the sunlight.

I think it's a beautiful metaphor for the "light of the world." When we are in spiritual darkness happiness cannot exist. It's also amazing the power that light has on your soul. When you are truly in the light of the gospel, even the worst times seem a little better. When your motivation is lacking, the light bridges the gap. When you feel all alone, the light warms you like a hug from someone you know really cares. I could go on and on, but I think my task for today is to find the light from within, since I can't get it from the world the way I need it today.

Renewed Hope

2010-05-23T20:38:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine from my Hall Advisor days asked me to be a guest contributor on her blog. I was definitely touched and honored that she would ask. Her blog allowed me the chance to again reflect on how the light of the gospel has helped me through a struggle greater than myself. Thank you, Lori, for this opportunity.

So...I should include a few Rays of Light:

*Braeden actually sat on the potty...no promise that he'll actually continue this trend, or heaven forbid, do it without clothes ;), but we'll take what we can get.

*Ryan's home from his Cali trip. Glad he had the opportunity to speak at a conference, but even more glad that he's back here with me.

*Bradley's did an amazing job in kindergarten. He's a reading fiend. On more than one occasion, he's said, "I just got distracted. I was reading!" Ah, music to my ears. (But he does still need to eat his meals!)

Thanks again, Lori, for helping me to see the light in my life and feel a renewed sense of hope.

Ray of Light

2009-12-22T13:24:00.002-07:00

*Candles in the window

*Ruth coming home from China

*BYU Football...GO COUGARS! (they better win!)

*Kindergarten Christmas Party

*Watching the boys pick presents for their dad

*Last day of school until next year

*Knowing Ryan has the rest of the week off work

*Glad that the holiday craziness is almost done...now to just enjoy!

*Snow (as long as you don't count shoveling!)

*Christmas Cards

*Holiday music

*The smell of wassail

And most importantly....

*A baby in a manger and the miraculous life He lived.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Ray of Light

2009-11-24T13:35:00.002-07:00

*Watching Bradley drive off with Grandpa for his very own Grandpa and Bradley movie date.

*Listening to his excited exclamations after he returned from the movie.

*Pumpkin pie!

Ray of Light

2009-11-21T15:44:00.002-07:00

*Having Family Feud go so well with the Young Men and Young Women in our ward on Wednesday night.

*Being able to take a break Thursday so I could build up steam for Friday's family wedding.

*Watching my brother-in-law, Dan, and now my sweet sister-in-law Steph be sealed for time and all eternity. It was a beautiful day.

*Having another day to recoup from the craziness of a wedding! :)

Ray of Light

2009-11-18T13:35:00.001-07:00

*A supportive husband that can talk me through even the hardest times...and if that doesn't work he's there to hold me while I cry.

Ray of Light

2009-11-17T16:58:00.003-07:00

*I can get SO much information with just a click of the mouse...the internet is truly a blessing and one that DEFINITELY makes my life easier.

*A teacher who is doing all she can to help my child not get bored in school...it's hard when they're smarties like their daddy!

*Warm showers on a cold day!

Ray of Light

2009-11-16T13:42:00.003-07:00

*Pulling the latest book order out of Bradley's backpack...pure joy right there!

*A sunny morning...even if it's still cold at least there's sun.

*Loading a dishwasher instead of washing dishes by hand.

*Having my own floor to sweep, instead of one that I rent.

Ray of Light

2009-11-15T21:28:00.005-07:00

It's been too long...

...I can't say my life is fabulous right now. The last few months have been some of the worst I've had, but I made a medication change and I cautiously optimistic that maybe things are looking up. But one way or the other, I still have so much to be thankful for so at the very least I can mention those things that bring a light to my life during the darkness.

*Making apple turkeys with my boys (oh, and one "apple Braeden." He didn't want an apple turkey. You can see him on the right with the spiky hair, not feathers!)

*Hearing Bradley say his line in the primary program perfectly.

*Asking Braeden if he likes preschool and listening to his response, "Sure do!" (pronounced "shore dooo!" with kind of a western accent)

*Getting notes from my 5-year-old that say, "You are fantastic, Mom!" (after he asked me how to spell each word.)

*Having my 3-year-old lovingly pat my arm and say, "You okay. It not hurt." While they take a blood sample.

*Watching the excitement in Bradley's face as he does addition and subtraction. (I'm such a math nerd!)

*Hearing the excitement in my boys voices when their daddy comes home...he gives them every reason to love them.

*Asking Bradley if he'd like me to remove his bracelet from Red Ribbon Week (Drug Awareness Week) only to have him reply, "NO! I don't want people to think I take drugs!"

*Finding out that my insurance paid and extra $125 to my APRN so I have a credit and didn't have to pay for my list visit nor do I have to pay for my next visit...and they weren't supposed to pay anything until I met the WAY TOO HIGH deductible.

*Finally having the energy to exercise more than one time in a week...I'm still deciding if I'm thankful for the fact that I can barely walk today because of it? (That 30 Day Shred is a killer!)

As always I could go on and on. But I know probably what is most important is that I'm recognizing my blessings and making a specific point to be openly thankful for them...it's amazing what that can do...you should give it a try!

When Something Wrong is Something Good

2009-09-18T16:01:00.002-06:00

Phew, I won't even try to apologize for my lack of posts...craziness is just my reality right now.

But hopefully in the months to come my craziness will morph into a more manageable , I don't know, dull roar. Anyway, about a month ago I went to my gynecologist and as part of my lovely yearly check had a full hormonal panel done. Never in my life have I been so glad to give blood and so hoping there was something diagnosably wrong with me...or something ELSE wrong with me.

After a LONG weekend of waiting, I found at that not only was my thyroid out of whack, but my progesterone levels were VERY low. So like my title suggests, this is one of those times when something wrong is something very good. In both of these cases, there really should be a relatively minor "fix" (i.e. medication or a cream).

As I said, it's been about a month and I have seen some change. We'll see how things continue and I pray it will just get better. Just remember...wrong isn't always bad.

Your Prayers Are Felt

2009-07-02T09:16:00.004-06:00

Thank you SO much for the many who have prayed for me lately. By no means am I out of the woods so to speak, but can feel your love and prayers. Even just this morning I was reading an article from this month's Ensign called A Scripture That Changed My Life and nearly all of the scriptures touched my heart. The article is well worth reading, but here are the scriptures that were especially poignant to me:

2nd Corinthians 12:9-10

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

D&C 59:23

23 But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.

Revelation 7:17
17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

A Distant Light

2009-07-02T00:07:00.019-06:00

A Distant Light

by Marianne Anderson

The tunnel is long and dark

A tiny light afar I see.

Running and reaching

No brighter it gets.

Stumbling and falling

But still trying again.

Running and walking

The pace is slower now.

Still reaching and striving

But the light is still dim.

Wondering and hoping

But on me the glow does not fall.

Distant and disoriented

Is there still a light?

Lost and confused

In what way should I go?

Scared and small

Is there still hope?

Crying and praying

In the darkness lost.

Fear and aching

A new shroud makes.

Wanting yet retreating

New bonds now control.

Calling and hoping

But again lost, alone.

Pleading and reaching

No light to be found.

Gasping and clawing

No escape to be mine.

Desperate and dying

No alternative left.

Kneeling and submitting

My one last hope.

Awakening and breathing

Fresh air touches my lips.

Tentative and leery

Not ready to stand.

Groping and feeling

Not sure of support.

Hoping and praying

What's that I see?

Peering and pleading

Is that what I need?

Looking and leaning

Have I found my way?

Praising and crying

A distant light I see.

I'm not even sure if there is anyone out there still reading...I haven't exactly been regular in my posts lately. Needless to say the last several weeks have been nearly more than I can take. I think, and am praying that we're working toward a new answer. I hate to think what will happen if the light we're going toward now is not the right now.

Please keep me in your prayers. I know that in SO many ways I am very blessed, tremendously blessed. What's hard is when that doesn't seem to be enough. When the chemical balance in my body could care less hope much the Lord has given me, I find it so hard to move on. But HE is still there and HE will show me the light. Just pray that I can have strength to follow HIM.

Unicycle

2009-06-01T15:37:00.002-06:00

It's been a while, as you already know. I'm still really struggling to get back on balance. I don't want to belabor the point here, but I'll just say that I've fallen off the unicycle. I learning to ride again, but I'm really struggling to stay on. I'm really looking at my life and trying to reevaluate what must stay, and what can go. It's hard when I used to be so capable. But I know I'd rather be able to do something, even if it's not much, than nothing at all.

So that's where I am right now. I'm trying to climb back onto the unicycle, but before I can do that I have to clear out the road so I don't just fall right off again. It's definitely the biggest balancing act of my life and hopefully it will happen sooner than later...

I want...I need...

2009-05-12T23:32:00.005-06:00

I'm still just feeling SO stuck. As I've mentioned before, I often feel like I'm having kind of an out of body experience. I can see myself and I can evaluate the things that would be most helpful in my life, but I just can't do them. I watch/hear myself being mean and snappy, but the words and actions seem to come out of me before I can do anything about them. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to blame others for the hell I'm going through. I don't want to get in a rut that makes me such an emotional wreck, that despite all of my efforts in the past, I just keep gaining weight (one of my biggest signs that things are not going the way they should emotionally). I want to be able to stop pretending. I just want to be able to do "normal" (and I'm even talking my altered normal) things without putting every bit of effort into them. I want to have enough energy to help guide my sons through the struggles of being 2 & 4, and not just give up and give into whatever they want. I want to be a support for my husband who works SO hard to provide for our family and truly make a difference in the life of SO many troubled youth and their families, often without much thanks and often in the face of open hostility. I want...I want...I want...or really I NEED.

Please LORD, I need thy help.

1 year later...

2009-05-10T13:19:00.003-06:00

Today, Mother's Day, is an interesting day for me. Mother's Day last year I was traveling from North Carolina to Utah. We were in the middle of the mountains in West Virginia when I totaled our car. Luckily no one was hurt, but I think that day has still left a stain on our lives. I suppose it is kind of a bittersweet memory. We were blessed SO much by a dear couple that we had never met and even since then we have been blessed by our association with them. But aside from the list of blessings that surrounded this event, I think it still was a catalyst for a downward spiral.

In many ways I think it was the last straw on the camels back and made what would have been hard (moving), REALLY hard. Both Ryan and I were really strapped in so many ways. The past 3 years, although great in many ways, were also very taxing. We had been to hell and back in so many ways.

I admit I'm emotionally tired enough right now that I don't have the mental energy to be eloquent. I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that Mother's Day is a mixed emotional bag for me. My husband and sons have been great and I SO appreciate their love and attention. But I feel torn because part of me is reliving the feelings and stresses of a year ago.

The mind and the heart are mysterious...

Finding the ray of light in the darkness...

2009-05-06T12:25:00.004-06:00

I am exhausted! Just plain exhausted. I'm exhausted physically. I am exhausted mentally (i.e. at first I was thinking physically was spelled with an 'f'). I'm exhausted emotionally. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to pull together the strength I need to even do simple things like warm up hot dogs for the boys.

I was doing pretty well the last little while, but today was the last straw. We woke up and Bradley had a temperature for 103 degrees. No, that's not astronomically high and plenty of kids get sick every day, but this will make 6 weeks straight of at least one member of our family being sick. I'M JUST SO TIRED OF IT!

Part of me feels very ungrateful. None of these sicknesses have been more than a week or so, but at the same time, they've meant that I'm cooped up inside (not so much from being outdoors...which does make a difference...but from doing things with other people). One of the major coping techniques I've been using to fight my depression has been scheduled social activities. And with every week of sickness more of those go out the window. It really put me into a rut today. So as I'm trying to crawl my way back out before my Young Women's activity tonight I thought I'd try to search for some Rays of Light. They're always there and they always help.

*I'm finally feeling well enough after the flu I had last week that I don't dread going to sleep.

*It's sunny outside

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class turned out well.

*The cookies I made for Bradley's preschool class are all out of the house now...phew!

*I got my grocery shopping done before Bradley got sick.

*I was feeling well enough (barely, but well enough all the same) to go to my brothers graduation last weekend.

*It's Wednesday so I was able to talk to my husband for a bit (on Monday & Tuesday he's out of cell phone range.)

*My boys are playing (with minimal fighting) downstairs.

*My Internet is working again (it wasn't this morning).

*I have a home. One that the previous owners took GREAT care of! Thank you!

*I married the man of my dreams...seriously!

*I have 2 beautiful and generally speaking, healthy boys.

*Ryan has a job that provides well enough to allow me to stay at home.

*I have amazing friends.

*I can email, and shop, and get on facebook, and blogger, and SO many other things online!

*I'm literate...it would be a SAD day for me if I couldn't read.

*I can pray and there is really someone there listening and answering.

*I can have a bum day today and have the power to start over tomorrow.

*I finally got my lawn aerated and he even fertilized for only an extra $5.

*We found our elliptical for only $50 and it's be SO good for me...I actually should have a date with it in a few minutes.

*Although I'm constantly fighting my weight, I have a healthy body that I don't have to constantly be "fixing" at the doctors.

*I have a great depression support group (DBSA).

*I have a college education.

*I never have to take another college class in my life, but I can if I want to.

*I have DVR (I know it sounds dumb, but I LOVE it...NO MORE COMMERCIALS!)

I could go on and on, but I should probably go fix those hot dogs. But thanks for all of you that will read this post. I don't know that just writing it for myself would be enough. Thanks to you, too, for being a Ray of Light.

Ray of Light

2009-04-16T12:46:00.002-06:00

Phew...the last few days have been CRAZY! I've had as Ryan calls it the "Attila the Hun" of flus/colds. It has really kicked me in the behind. I seldom get that knocked down by a cold. Anyway, I'm still pretty miserable, but in comparison to how I was feeling before it is SO much better so I feel like that is such a "Ray of Light."

Also, my dear friend Jen has been SUCH a "Ray of Light" to me. She watched my boys nearly the entire day yesterday so I could get some uninterrupted sleep. What a true godsend. Thank you Jen! And thank you to the many of you who offered to help as well. It's such a blessing to know that you have friends and family who are there for you when you really need them, and not just people who offer because they feel like they "need to."

Thoughts on Easter

2009-04-12T21:00:00.004-06:00

What an overwhelming moment captured so beautifully on canvas. Could you imagine being Mary? Here she believes that the body of the Lord that she loves so dearly has been taken and desecrated. Although, the Savior rose Lazarus from the dead, the idea that the Savior, Himself, could walk again was, I'm sure, far beyond the reaches of her imagination. Even after seeing Him, she first assumed He was a gardener, again not realizing, or even hoping for, the possibility that her Lord might rise again.

Then what joy must have filled her heart when realization dawned on her mind. What faith she must have had to believe. She witness the greatest of miracles. He who once was dead, now lives. My heart can only imagine the magnitude of her joy.

The resurrection is truly a miracle among miracles, but I cannot think of Easter without thinking of the event mere days earlier. The suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane: The Atonement.

I have often pondered what this time might have been like for the Savior and I know I fail miserably to even come close. I think even of my darkest moment, ones in which I felt as if I had been removed from the presence of God and they are far from close to what the Savior experienced.

We read in Matthew 27:46, "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?" Our Lord and Savior had to experience spiritual death. He had to truly know what it must feel like to be removed from the presence of God, whereas, although my times have been dark, for me it was only as if I had been so. Times that are so tremendously horrible that there are not even words for me to describe, He, our perfect example, had to endure more.

And then to imagine that He not only felt what I had felt, but "...he hath borne [the] griefs, and carried [the] sorrows" for all who were and ever would be (Isaiah 53:4). The magnitude of that responsibility is beyond my power to comprehend. And He did it willingly. "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22: 42, Emphasis added). He knew that He would be wracked with the torments of hell, but out of love for us, and even more importantly, out of love for His Father in Heaven, He suffered all.

So on this day where much of our thinking lays in candy and Easter bunnies and plastic eggs, may we pause, for at least a moment, to think about the true meaning behind this day. May we realize that without His actions during His life, His birth--which we celebrate so grandly-- would be like merely any other. May we remember that it is because of Him that some day we may return to live with our Father in Heaven some day. May we understand that because of Him we can know true happiness; we can know love. May we stop to realize that without Him, all would be for naught.

He lives! And because He lives, we will too!

At least we know...

2009-03-31T20:57:00.004-06:00

Well sadly my news is mixed for today. We found out (after a long morning) that Bradley has Pneumonia. About 1/2 of his left lung is full of junk. He was a real trooper through the Dr. appointment, blood work, x-ray, and return to the Dr. for shots and to pick up a prescription. Thankfully we know what it is and hopefully he'll be on the mend soon. There are a lot of what-ifs that we'll have to be careful to watch for, but we'll be praying that things will work out as they should. Luckily it is NOT contagious so at least we don't have the added worry of wondering who we might have passed it on to.

It's been a long and tiring last few days, but again, at least we know what's wrong with him and I was thinking about it last night, at least we have 2 beautiful boys to worry about. The Lord has truly blessed us.

Oh, and our sweet Bradley has so much faith. Early this morning (oh, around 4:30 am) as Bradley was lying in the tub when we were trying to bring Bradley's WAY TOO HIGH (somewhere over 107) fever down he said, "I think you need to give me a blessing, Dad, so I can feel all better." What faith. Again, we truly are blessed!

Ray of Light

2009-03-30T19:20:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I'm REALLY trying to stay positive here. BLAH! Bradley has been really sick this weekend (i.e. fever that spikes up to about 106.4 degrees and that's while on Ibuprofen & Tylenol!). Needless to say it's been a long weekend. And to add to it, Braeden had a fever before Bradley so I thought Bradley had just picked up what Braeden had, but now Braeden has a fever again. Pullin' my hair out here!

Anyway, my "Ray of Light" is that we actually have medications to help keep the fevers down. I honestly think if this had been many years ago Bradley may not be with us anymore.

This will go away...this will go away...this will go away...my boys will eventually stop being TOTALLY cranky...eventually...RIGHT?!

Thank You, Ryan

2009-03-27T09:33:00.006-06:00

Thank you Ryan for bringing tears to my eyes. Tears of gratitude, tears of pain, tears of love, tears of hope, tears of understand, and tears of SO much more. I have wanted you to express your perspective for SO long and reading your eloquent words has proved to be worth every moment of nagging you to write them.

Intellectually I knew that "we" had depression, but emotionally I was, and am, so often in a shroud of darkness that I was blind to the pain of those around me. The best I can do is to imagine what I would be feeling if I was watching Ryan struggle in the way I am. It would definitely be "we" and not just "him."

I have SO often told others that I have a tremendous husband. Even just last night I told my sweet neighbor that the Lord OBVIOUSLY knew who I needed as a husband. Thank you for being the love of my life. Thank you for "[following me] into greater lights."

If you didn't read it, click here to see Ryan's original message.

The Beginning of Ryan's Perspective

2009-03-26T21:52:00.004-06:00

This is Ryan writing. For some time now, I have been meaning to make some contributions to Marianne's blog. She would like to have my perspective and my experiences represented here, as well. This is a daunting task for me, as I believe the depression in our lives has provided me with challenges different than-- but in some ways seemingly equal to-- the ones that Marianne has faced. She has depression in her body, but we have depression in our family and in our relationship. Just as it has taken time, effort, prayers, and much more for her to figure out how to do things with her depression, it has done the same for me. She has depression, therefore we have depression.

Can you imagine what it is like to love someone more than anything else and want that person to be happy only to have your best efforts fall short because there have been times when the depression keeps her from feeling happiness... or almost anything? That is our story: the story of two people who love each other trying to work through the haze and the darkness the depression can bring to create happiness for each other and for our children. It has taken courage and faith. There have been moments of light and moments of near despair. But through it all, we are together. I think, perhaps, because of our experience with the depression, I have come to treasure those moments of unimpeded happiness even more. Perhaps that is the gift of the depression.

I have more to say than I could ever hope to communicate in a single post, but perhaps a good place to start is to share the lyrics of a song that spoke to me in one of our darker times. To me, it rang true in its ability to express my dedication to Marianne as we journey "through never ending shadows" in our shared faith that in the end, and along the way, we will find "greater light."

"Greater Lights"

(performed by Charlotte Martin)

Memories

Keeping me

My steps have said

You must go through every door

Where you are led

Silences hangs

In my fear

Daylight fades

And I know you will be here

Melting our ground

In never ending shadows

I'll follow you to greater lights

Burn through me

Around me

I'll follow you to greater lights

Words will fly

Beyond us

Waking now

No longer numb to the sound

Of every voice

In never ending shadows

I'll follow you to greater lights

Burn through me

Around me

I'll follow you to greater lights

In never ending shadows

I'll follow you to greater heights

Burn through me

Around me

I'll follow you to greater lights

I'll follow you to greater heights

I'll follow you to greater lights

To hear the song, follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D50oR8tBVKI

Broken Things to Mend

2009-03-26T15:26:00.007-06:00

I recently picked up a copy of Broken Things to Mend, a book written by Elder Holland. I've wanted it for a while, but finally picked it up. Even the quote from the back of the book has been so helpful. It reads:

"Just believing, just having a molecule of faith--that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair."

And as I read the dedication, I felt my eyes pool with tears:

"To all who feel that someone --or something--they love
is irreparably broken or irretrievably lost.
It is not."

So often I think that is how I feel. I feel as if something "is irreparably broken or irretrievably lost." It is such a dark place to be...so, so dark. But then I read words like these and my eyes want to pool with tears of relief, thanks, and hope. Here the Lord is speaking through one of His chosen servants straight to me.

With all my heart I believe that the Lord will speak to us individually, but how does that work when the receptors are broken. How do you hear His call when in so many ways you are deaf to His words, paralyzed from His touch, and blind to His miracles.

I think for me, just purchasing and opening this book was my "molecule of faith." So much else that I have been trying has fallen short of the mark. So some little Ray of Light and inspiration from the Lord was able to peak through. Able to break through the blinders of depression.

The Savior has always said to "Come unto me," but so often I felt like, "Why would He even want me? And am I even able to be fixed?"

"Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, "Come unto me, " He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way."

He truly is the way. In so many ways my life is "irreparably broken or irretrievably lost," but there is hope.

The lyrics to one of the most moving pieces I have every performed with a choir seem to fit SO well here:

And What is it We Shall Hope For

From The Redeemer

by Robert Cundick

based on Moroni 7:41, 48

And what is it we shall hope for?

We have hope through the atonement of Christ

And the power of His resurrection,

To be raised unto life eternal.

We shall pray unto the Father with all the energy of our hearts,

That we may be filled with His love,

Which He has bestowed on us who are true followers of the Lord, Jesus Christ.

That we may become the sons and daughters of God;

That when He shall appear, we shall be like Him;

For we shall see Him as He is!

That we may have this hope,

That we may be purified even as He is pure.

Amen.

The Power of the Ensign

2009-03-16T14:07:00.003-06:00

I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but since I'm not sure, so follow this link to find out about the Ensign magazine.

Last night as Ryan and I were saying our evening prayer, I had a moment of inspiration. I literally popped my head up and said, "AH! Bradley is the "Star of the Week" tomorrow!" Well the fact that he was the Star of the Week" at preschool this week wasn't such a bad thing...it's actually kind of cool, but the fact that I hadn't prepared ANYTHING for it was bad (the parent's of the "Star o the Week" are supposed to present a little tribute about their child's life)...especially since it was 11:00pm. :( We finished our prayer (yeah, I usually don't make a habit of blurting things out in the middle of the prayer, but it just kind of happened) and I dutifully got up telling Ryan, "I'll see you in 2 hours!" (I would love to say it got done quicker than that, but nope, I dragged myself into bed at about 1:00am, but I had a pretty darn cute tribute done, if I do say so myself...sorry a bit of a bragging moment there.)

If you've read my other posts you'll know that getting enough sleep is a HUGE factor in equalling a decent next day. Today did not fail my expectations in any way. And I swear the boys could tell that I was extra tired because they were in "tip top" form...YEAH RIGHT!

I'm seriously not sure how they can scream so loud. Most people say girls scream, but my boys can DEFINITELY scream with the best of them. They are seriously the most ear-piercing screams...if you've heard one, you know what I'm talking about. Well there was TONS of that going on. I think I would have wanted to go hide in bed even if I didn't have depression. After sending one kid down to play Game Cube and blessing the DVR for having extra Sesame Street Episodes on it for the other, I gratefully found the couch and spent the pre-preschool hours of the morning there.

Despite my best efforts, I slept through the "alarm" (a.k.a. kitchen timer) I'd set for myself, and so the "Star of the Week" arrived at preschool about 15 minutes late. Oh, and just an FYI, his younger brother was literally screaming the entire way to and from preschool (thank heavens it is SUPER close) because I put him in the car without shoes!

So by the time I got home, I REALLY wanted to crawl into bad and pretend today hadn't happened. I desperately wanted to talk to Ryan, but unless I wanted to call his work, have them send the back-up truck to find him, then have him call me by satellite phone, that just wasn't going to happen. (I'm sure his boss would have loved me for that!) And my sweet neighbor that has offered to watch my kids in the past, was in bed sick herself, with a house full of sick kids...yeah that wasn't going to happen either. Oh, and not that this is exactly applicable to the story, but it goes to add to my emotional state, despite my ANAL efforts in following the South Beach Diet, I gained 2 pounds in the last few days...I SWEAR my body wants to hold on to EVERY pound it can...I promise Body, we're not in times of famine yet!

Needless to say I was a mess. After snugly tying my 2 year old's shoes (yes, we're home by now, but that didn't matter...he wanted those shoes on dang it!) and gratefully praising the invention of the DVD, I sat down on the couch. Right beside my couch, nicely squished into the corner is my "coffee table" (not quite sure why I still call it a "coffee table" since I don't drink coffee...tradition I guess...but I digress!) piled with copies of various magazines...most importantly the past several months of the Ensign Magazine. I figured, "What's it gonna hurt? I'll be sure to steer clear of home organization articles and the like, so it should be fine." But it was more than fine.

I flipped open the magazine to the "Latter-day Saint Voices" section. This section typically shares spiritual stories from other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints The first 2 I read, "My Prayer in a Stockyard" and "Exactly What I Needed" were exactly what I needed. I finished reading through the other 2 entries in the section and by the time I was done I felt the peace of the Lord with me. Sure, the idea of crawling into bed hadn't gone away (sadly that idea pretty much always sounds good), but I didn't feel the crazed desperation for reprieve any more. I knew that I could "do" the rest of today. I didn't have an assurance that things would be perfect or that my children would do exactly what I'd want them to do (boy would that be nice!), but I knew that the Lord was with me and that I'd be okay. The message on just a few thin sheets of paper gave me hope to go on.

I know that the Lord is watching over me, and each one of us. Look at your own life and as you make an effort to see the Lord's hand, you will. He is there for each and every one of us, with or without depression. I leave my testimony that He knows what we need, and if we'll just look and listen we will know that too. I say this in Jesus name, Amen.

Improvement...

2009-03-13T11:55:00.003-06:00

The last few weeks have been a real roller coaster, like always, but even amidst it all, I've still noticed levels of improvement. For example:

*This past week I have been SO tired (I wish I could explain how tired I was, but that's not the point), but this exhaustion was different from the normal "depressed exhaustion." Yes, I was still so tired I didn't feel like doing anything, but it wasn't because I was feeling low or down. I never thought being totally exhausted would make me happy.

*Or the other day I came down to get Braeden out of bed after his nap. The first thing I saw was bring orange (or should I say "sunset orange"...thank you Crayola) lines all of over his once white pillow case and sheets. He was proudly holding up a crayon. I really could have flipped out at him, but instead I asked, "Oh, did you have a crayon in your pocket?" He excitedly answered, "Yes!" In that moment I realized, we'd never told him not to write on his bedding. So I replied that, "We'll have to show Daddy when he gets home."

I'm really not trying to pat myself on my back, but point out a time where I feel like I was able to think rationally instead of "depression induced." I guess in some ways I feel like my true self is starting to come out. Do I think I'm "over it," definitely not, but it's nice to see those moments of improvement.

Pay it Forward...Blog Style

2009-03-03T22:45:00.003-07:00

I saw the following on friend Kim's blog :

I've seen this on a lot of blogs lately and LOVE the idea, here’s how it works: the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive, at some point during the year, some homemade goodies from me. What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise! The catch is that you must participate as well. Before you leave your comment, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going (or copy and paste like I did). Then come back, let me know you’re going to play and sit back and anticipate the arrival of your goodies! Please submit in an e-mail or on the comment, your address, if I don’t have it already. Remember that only the first 3 comments will receive a gift from me, so be quick! Have fun!

I think it's a really fun idea, plus I like anything that makes you stop and think about someone else for a moment. As I try to do as often as my currently volatile emotional state will allow, I like to look around me a think of how I've been blessed, and blogging has truly saved my life in many ways. I know many of you that know me might be scratching your head right about now, but although "traditional" blogging, as I call it, (i.e. write about all the cute things you and your family are doing) stresses me out to NO end (I just don't feel like I can keep up), being about to have an outlet for my feelings has been so cathartic for me and so I thank all of you that have been willing to hang in there with me. I thank you for your comments. I thank you for checking back even when there's been a LARGE gap in posts. I thank you for just plain being there.

I'm still here...

2009-02-21T19:55:00.003-07:00

So I promise I'm still alive...doing well...well not so much, but I'm here. It's been a tough few days, but hopefully I've had enough cry sessions that I might be pulling out of it. I think it might not have been so bad, but I got this nasty cold during all of it and that always throws things for a loop. Anyway, I suppose this is part of the whole cycle. It's about learning to balance the good days with the slow days and hopefully coming out on top.

*********

P.S. So I should at least update you on the car situation. So the tow truck makes his way through the snow to come get Ryan's car. Neither Ryan nor I are mechanically minded in ANYWAY (okay, Ryan is getting better, but we're not car people...I mean Ryan doesn't even have a dream car) so we didn't know what to try to possibly make things work, but the tow truck guy was willing to give it a whirl. After trying a few things, low and behold...the car started. I think I might have given him a hug if he wasn't all greasy and what not (not due to a lack of hygiene of course, but due to his job). Needless to say we felt SO blessed. Then...

...the next day Ryan tried to start the car and it started, but he now he couldn't get the car into reverse. He tried to do the trick the tow truck guy suggested (apparently, the reason the car wouldn't start in the first place had to do with the car not being in gear right or something like that), but still to no avail. I admit my positive attitude from the day before was waining. At least I didn't need the car this time so I sent Ryan on his way with my car and made another call to AAA and AAMCO (a repair shop that really has been good to us). Luckily this time after only about $250 we were on our way (sad when a $250 car repair seems good!).

But we were blessed. When fixing this problem they noticed another problem. One of the tubes in Ryan's car was COMPLETELY hard when normally it is soft and malleable. Because it was so hard it had formed a crack which was leaking just a bit. If it had broken through Ryan's car would have been TOTALLY immobile. For most people that isn't the end of the world, just get a tow truck like we had the previous days, but if Ryan had been out in Utah's West Desert, where he is 2 days a week, there would be NO way a tow truck could get through to him. So after a TON of frustration and tears on my part, we were still VERY blessed to have things happen the way they did. If only I can remember that juts a bit earlier on next time!

I am thankful...

2009-02-11T09:13:00.002-07:00

As I called the tow truck today part of me wanted to scream, another part wanted to cry. We just (as in last month) took Ryan's car in to have the transmission replaced and $2400 later we had a working car. But as I stopped and looked at the situation I realized we are TREMENDOUSLY blessed and this really is just a minor bump in the road, even if it ends up being expensive.

I am thankful for...

*My husband

*My children

*My family (extended, in-laws, etc.)

*My religion (and ALL that comes with it...and that's a LOT)

*My home

*Ryan's Job...especially during this time that so many people do not have a job, good paying or otherwise.

*My friends

*Modern medicine that makes my life with depression possible

*Good books that fill my life with sweet escapes

*The Internet which keeps me connected to people all over the world

*Lightly falling snow which creates a truly unique silence over this cluttered world

*Sunshine which uplifts the soul

*Music Makers which brings happiness and joy to my children and therefore me

*Craft Group which keeps me sane

*Silly TV shows that help me unwind after a crazy day

*Words of encouragement and love that could only come from my husband

....and SO many more things

So although my natural inclination is to freak out, I know the Lord will bless us. We've done all that we can and from there it is in the Lord's hands...for good or for bad. And in the prophetic words of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come what may, and love it!"

Ray of Light- You're Welcome, Vegetables

2009-02-03T13:27:00.002-07:00

Bradley, Braeden, and I were eating lunch today and I realized how blessed I was when Bradley said, "Hey, I want some peas, carrots, and corn like you have!" And this is after already eating some cucumbers. I've really been blessed to have good eaters.

And little Braeden has been all about saying, "You're welcome!" Sometimes he says it when he should say "please," or when he should say "thank you" and when he says it in the right context it is almost always before someone says "thank you" to him. I just love it.

That We Might Become True Friends Of God

2009-02-03T11:06:00.006-07:00

Last night I was studying my scriptures and in the study guide I came across the following passage:

"The Lord has made no secret of the fact that He intends to try the faith and the patience of His Saints. (See Mosiah 23:21.) We mortals are so quick to forget the Lord: “And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions … they will not remember him.” (Hel. 12:3.)
However, the Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. (See D&C 50:40; D&C 78:18.) Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)
Therefore, given the aforementioned grand and overarching reasons to rejoice, can we not “be of good cheer” in spite of stress and circumstance?
President Brigham Young said of a geographical destination, “This is the place.” Of God’s plan of salvation, with its developmental destination, it can be said, “This is the process”!
President Young, who knew something about trial and tribulation but also of man’s high destiny, said that the Lord lets us pass through these experiences that we might become true friends of God. By developing our individual capacities, wisely exercising our agency, and trusting God—including when we feel forsaken and alone—then we can, said President Young, learn to be “righteous in the dark.” (Secretary’s Journal, 28 Jan. 1857.) The gospel glow we see radiating from some—amid dark difficulties—comes from illuminated individuals who are “of good cheer”!
To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. (See Mosiah 3:19.) These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding." (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Be of Good Cheer’,” Ensign, Nov 1982, 66)

What a truly beautiful message. I think it can be easy to become trapped in the idea that our trials are punishments or we might want to blame God. But how can you blame the Lord for trying to help you grow? It is like a mother hen. She cannot remove the shell for her young chick, even though she sees it struggling. To become strong enough to live the hen must allow her sweet baby to push and fight its way out all on its own.

I also feel so blessed because I was just my daily reading. I was reading through the scriptures chronologically and I was still blessed to find this passage in the study guide even though I wasn't looking for it. We are truly blessed.

Ray of Light-Bradley

2009-02-02T14:27:00.001-07:00

Bradley announced to me today, "Did you know it's February? The weeks are flyin' all over!"

I guess his preschool teacher must have said that the weeks were flying by.

I love it!

Ray of Light- Monsters!

2009-01-29T20:57:00.003-07:00

This evening I was gone at a book group. Upon arriving home, my husband told me I had to go downstairs to see the sign that our son made him put on his bedroom door.

It just made me laugh. Of course I'm sad that he's scared of ghosts, monsters, and bad guys (his father is the one afraid of solicitors...maybe he should have included the IRS as well), but I love how a sign made him feel confident that he was safe. Oh, the innocence of youth. I love it!

P.S. Apparently after Ryan had written the note, Bradley realized they hadn't said anything about aliens. Ryan asked him if good aliens were okay, and after they'd established that good aliens make cookies, even though (according to Bradley) they don't have hands, he was okay including the bad aliens in "bad guys."

P.S.S. This is my 100th post! YAY!

And the winner is...(drum roll please)

2009-01-29T12:31:00.003-07:00

So as some of you may have noticed (or maybe not...who knows), I was given the "One Lovely Blog Award" by my sweet friend, Lara of Overstuffed. I was truly honored to get such an award from her because if I had to assign this award to any blog, her's is the first that comes to mind. She has been friend of mine since we were in a ward together over 5 years ago. I love her wit, wisdom, and beautiful blog. WELL worth the time to check out.

In addition, to being given this lovely award, I too get the chance to pass it on to 5 truly lovely bloggers. Okay, so this was WAY TOO HARD. I seriously have stayed up at night trying to decide who to pick and I REALLY didn't want to offend anyone. Seriously, all of the blogs I have listed are so great, but I had to narrow it down. The big kicker was if your blog was public or not. I figured if I'm going to post these blogs, then others should be able to go look at them. I also, had to think about what my first descriptor of your blog would have been, and although lovely is definitely true for most of you, sassy, or funny, or informative came up first for some. BLAH! Okay, so you can totally see this is stressing me out, and with depression that's not a good idea. So just know I LOVE all of your blogs and I just had to choose so NOTHING personal if I didn't pick yours.

And the winners are (in no particular order)...

Lori of Pursuits of Happiness. Lori is a truly lovely person. We met when I started working at Deseret Towers. I admit I've often felt intimidated by her beautiful writing, but then I felt bad about that because she would never want me to feel that way. So if you want to laugh, cry, smile, think, or just plain have a good read, visit her blog.

Heather of Scatter Joy . Heather and I met when we were co-workers in college. Those were some crazy days, but I have fond memories of them. Heather has always made me think of sophistication and beauty and her blog is no different. She also occasionally contributes to the Sassy Mom Shoppe which is a lovely blog as well.

Kenna of Kenna's Corner. Kenna is one of my newer friends. We just met a few months ago, but I already love her blog. She is a wonderful person with a beautiful heart and I feel so blessed to know her.

Anna-Lisa of Rantipoling About. Anna-Lisa and I met when I was working at Deseret Towers. We've been through a lot together and we're only stronger for it. Her blog is filled with her life, like most of ours, but I love the wit and humor she uses, especially as she describes the life of a newly-wed, grad student.

And last but not least, Vicky of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Vicky and I go WAY back (i.e. Junior High) and thanks to Vicky we've kept the friendship strong. She too, is a truly lovely person as is her blog. So I was going to say what I loved most about her blog, but I can't decide which I love most, so here are some things that I love about her blog: (1) Her blog has such a truly upbeat and uplifting vibe. Just like the title of her blog, she sees the best in things and people and portrays that in her writing. (2) She is constantly blogging about the amazing people in her life. She could just be self focused, but she is SO other focused. (3) She has a strong love for God and she is constantly showing that in her blog. I love that she isn't afraid to share what she believes.

So to all 5 of you truly lovely bloggers, thank you!

Ray of Light

2009-01-28T21:52:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I have another Ray of Light for today...the internet! I love the internet for many obvious reasons, but specifically today for online tax preparation. We've successfully e-filed and should receive our refund in less than 2 weeks! YEEHAW! It's SO much easier than it was when I first started filing. No mailing, etc. Love it!

Ray of Light

2009-01-28T16:25:00.002-07:00

Friends. What a difference good friends make in your life. Over these past few months I've developed a great group of friends and it has made all the difference. We have regularly planned activities that we meet to do each week and that is SO good for me. Both the regularity of the events and the adult contact has made such a difference in fighting my depression. So you great ladies...you know who you are...thanks for making a HUGE difference in my life.

Myths and Facts

2009-01-24T11:57:00.005-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, DBSA has wonderful resources. One of my favorites is just a simple one page sheet listing some myths and facts about depression and bipolar disorder. I felt it was important enough to be worth listing here.

Myth 1: Depression and bipolar disorder are just states of mind. A person just needs to "think positive" and they will go away.

Fact: Depression and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) are real, treatable illnesses that affect the brain. They can't be overcome by "snapping out of it." Asking someone to "think positive" is like asking someone with diabetes to change his or her blood sugar level by thinking about it. People with mood disorders (depression & bipolar) can feel better with the right treatment.

Myth 2: Treatment is a cop-out for people who are too weak to cope with day-to-day life.

Fact: Seeking treatment is a smart choice that takes strength. Mood disorders are not flaws or weaknesses. Seeking treatment means a person has the courage to look for a way to feel better.

Myth 3: Talk therapy is just whining about problems. It doesn't help.

Fact: Talk therapy has been tested clinically and found to be effective. In some cases it works as well as medication. Good talk therapy helps change behaviors that can make a person's moods less stable.

Myth 4: Medications that treat mood disorders are habit-forming. They can change a person's personality. A person can't be "clean and sober" while taking medication.

Fact: When properly prescribed and used, medications are not addictive and do not change a person's true personality. Medications help a person's mood become more stable and even. They are not "happy pills" and should not be compared to street drugs. They do not cloud a person's judgment or give a false sense of courage.

Myth 5: People with mood disorders can not get better.

Fact: When correctly diagnosed and treated, a person with depression or bipolar disorder can live a stable and healthy life. Millions of people already do.

Myth 6: Symptoms of depression or bipolar disorder in young children or elderly adults are normal. They are just a part of growing up or growing old.

Fact: Severe mood changes in young children or older adults should be taken seriously. Recent studies have shown that children may be affected by mood disorders as young as infancy. Older adults are also at a high risk for depression. Younger and older people should be given complete physical examinations and treated according to their individual needs.

Myth 7: People with bipolar disorder or depression are dangerous.

Fact: Research shows that people with mental illness do not commit significantly more violent acts than people in the general population. However, people with mental illness are twice as likely to be victims of violence.

Myth 8: People with depression or bipolar disorder should not have children.

Fact: People who have been treated for mood disorders can parent as well as anyone else. They are also more likely to recognize symptoms, treat their children early, and understand their children's struggles if their children have mood disorders.

Myth 9:People with depression or bipolar disorder are not stable enough to hold positions of authority in fields like law enforcement or government.

Fact: People with mood disorders can and do hold positions of authority everywhere. When properly treated, a person's mood disorder does not have to affect job performance.

Myth 10: Suicide is not a problem in the United States. Only a small number of people take their own lives.

Fact: Suicide is a significant problem that needs to be addressed. Suicide deaths in the U.S. outnumber homicide deaths three to two. Each year, over 30,000 people in the U.S. take their own lives. More than 90% of these people are believed to have have a mental disorder.

Source: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance * www.DBSAlliance.org

By no means is this an exhaustive list of myths and facts, but to me it's a great start at addressing some of the basic questions/concerns when it comes to mood disorders, like depression and bipolar disorder.

DBSA Support Group

2009-01-24T11:35:00.003-07:00

As I've mentioned more than once in the past, I LOVE my DBSA Support Group. I had a friend ask me the other day, "So what do you actually do at the group?" Truly a good question. We're not nearly so formal as AA or something like that, no 12 steps or anything (I am not making fun of AA my ANY means...it's a great program, I was just simply stating that we're not quite the organized), but I think for what we need to be, we're just perfect.

Unlike AA or other such programs, no matter how much we talk about our depression or bipolar, it isn't going to go away. So the purpose of the group isn't that. The purpose is support as we struggle to figure out how to live with our disease.

I think we can all relate to the idea that we've had experiences that no one could understand unless they'd been through it. You might try with everything in you to get others to begin to glimpse what you're going through, but even if they are open minded and try their best, they still fall short of really understanding. That's how I often feel when writing this blog. I'm trying to help as many people as possible at least get a glimpse of the struggling I'm going through, but it's no the same as having actually been there yourself. That's where my support group comes into play.

It's so liberating to meet with others that have truly contemplated suicide and know the darkness that you can only feel in those moments. It is so cathartic to laugh with others about the totally irrational thoughts you've had, but in the moment you thought were TOTALLY normal. It's so cleansing to cry with someone who knows how hard it is to wake up EVERY day struggling to do the most basic things. It is so uplifting to see others just like you who are succeeding in life, despite an illness that might otherwise rule your life. In a special way, I am truly at home when I'm at my support group. At home in a way that I can't be with anyone else.

But DBSA is even more. The emotional side that I've just described is what I think really keeps us coming back each week, but DBSA is about sharing information too. We talk about our struggles with various medications. Talk about (in a general sense...no specifics allowed) what meds have been good for us. We talk about life style changes that have made a difference for us. We talk about readjusting our reality to make our life work. And DBSA has so many reference materials available for free.

It's truly an amazing program. If you or someone you know needs this kind of help or support, go to the DBSA website to find a chapter near you. Or if you'd like to contact me directly, leave your email address in a comment and I'll be happy to contact you.

The Ensign: A Blessing From the Lord

2009-01-21T16:55:00.003-07:00

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints publishes several monthly magazines. The Ensign, The Liahona , The New Era, and The Friend. All of them are filled with inspiring and uplifting messages of hope, faith, and doctrine. I love reading my copies each month, but sometimes I find articles that are especially touching and poignant to me. In the Januaryedition of the Ensign there were 2 articles (of the ones I've read so far) that I felt were written for me.

The first article, Bipolar Disorder: My Lessons in Love, Hope, and Peace, was SO good for me to read. No, I don't have Bipolar Disorder, but as I've mentioned in the past, there are many similarities between Bipolar and Depression. We struggle with many of the same stigmas, we fight many of the same feelings, and in many ways we suffer together. I thought the article was beautiful written and such a positive thing for me to read. I would recommend this article to anyone struggling with a mood disorder, for anyone that knows someone with a mood disorder, or for anyone that cares to understand more about mood disorders.

The 2nd article that was especially meaningful to me was titled, Peaches, Pruning, and Spiritual Progress. An short summary of the article reads, "Like pruning away the unnecessary limbs from a tree, we need to prune away those activities that might weaken our testimonies or lead us astray." I definitely believe this to be true in relation to testimony, but as I read it I felt as if this could apply SO well to what I'm dealing with in relation to depression or really for general happiness in life. We all must find that balance that creates a healthy life and what, although in many senses may be good and wonderful, when added to everything else, makes our life unhealthy. That has become ESPECIALLY true since depression entered my life. As my sweet husband first said to me many years ago, it's all about balance...SO TRUE!

Again, I would strongly recommend both of these articles to any of you. They are well worth your time.

Finding "Rays of Light" even in the worst times

2009-01-21T16:51:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, my sweet little Braeden got sick and was throwing up. Thankfully now about 24 hours later he seems much improved, which is a "Ray of Light" in and of itself, but a bigger "Ray of Light" comes in the form of a cuddle.

Even though my sweet little guy was not feeling well and I can't say I enjoyed cleaning up the multiple throw up instances, but I wouldn't trade holding Braeden in my arms for anything. There is nothing quite like being there to comfort your child, especially as they grow up and hugs and cuddles become what they want less and less.

So even in some of the worst, sleep-deprived and yucky times, there are "Rays of Light."

Christmas Doll

2009-01-15T16:23:00.002-07:00

From the time I can remember my father always created a doll to give to my mother for Christmas. It was always the last gift given and the most anticipated of each year. He would make them from all sorts of materials. From pop cans, to palm fronds. He's truly a gifted artist.

Well Ryan knew how much I loved that tradition and so each year he has faithfully made me a doll. I know this isn't something that comes naturally to him. He doesn't have this crazy creative mind like my dad, but I think that might make his efforts that much sweeter.

Each year he starts thinking about the doll long before Christmas and often has to search for materials to create just what is in his mind. Usually the doll has something to do with what is going on in our life or some inside joke...I love it.

Well, as most of you know, he recently started a job where he works out in the west desert of Utah. The "doll" you see below was made entirely of things he found out there. He had to specially dry and fold the reeds to keep them in the form of the horse. I love it!

And again, I think the thing that I love most is the time and effort he puts into making the dolls. They are truly a labor of love and just like it was for my mom, it's my most anticipated gift of each year.

I love you Ryan!

Frosty Morning

2009-01-15T15:47:00.005-07:00

I promised I would post pictures the next time our tree was dressed in frost. I SO wish you could see it in person. The images I've posted really don't do it justice, but here they are none the less. I love seeing mother nature's beauty so up close and personal and I don't even have to leave my front yard! (If you click on the photos to enlarge them you can almost see the frost crystals shinning.)

As the sun begins to rise.

The moon is peaking through.

Ribbons in the sky.

The heart of the tree.

Beautiful Contrast

Let the sun shine in.

Ray of Light

2009-01-10T12:26:00.002-07:00

So I realized, that while things have been crazy, that was no excuse for me to stop noticing the good things around me. So here are a few from the past few days:

*I love the way the light reflects off of snow. It makes for such a beautiful, bright day.

*Welcome to the new generation...instead of imaginary friends, Bradley constantly has a "computer friend" playing with him all the time, as well as often a "computer bad guy." I guess he's played enough computer and video games to be used to playing with someone all the time, even when he's really not. It just made me smile.

*I've GOT to get a picture of it next time it happens, but we have a corkscrew willow tree in our front yard, so the branches are all twisty and curvy...really pretty cool. But what makes them even more cool is frost. It's happened a few times this year, but when the branches get a thick layer of frost on them it's the coolest thing. I'll try to get a picture next time it happens and post it...even though it won't do it justice, at least you'll get some idea of what I'm talking about.

*I was having a pretty hard morning today, and then I FINALLY pulled myself out of it enough to go down and exercise, and I'm so glad I did. It really does wonders for my emotional state. It doesn't make everything all better, but it usually allows me to actually function. Thank heavens for those positive endorphins.

Tower of Blocks

2009-01-05T11:13:00.004-07:00

I wrote this the other night. I think it describes well what I am going through.

Tower of Blocks

I am a tower of blocks

Standing strong and tall
For all the world to see

Or at least I once was

I am a tower of blocks
Steady and firm

A support to all around

But not anymore

I am a tower of blocks

Fallen and scared

Scattered across the ground

No longer tall and strong

I am a tower of blocks
Tentative and new

Slowly, block by block

Building toward the sky

I am a tower of blocks
Weak where I once was strong
A glimmer of hope for the future
Fighting against the fear of the past

I am a tower of blocks

Now looking for support

Searching within myself

For strength I cannot find

I am a tower of blocks

Shaky, but a tower still

Building slowly, but ever up

Striving to be grand again

I am a tower of blocks

Blown down by a cruel wind

Fallen and scattered once more

Ever weary of the blowing storm

I am a tower of blocks

Looking again for strength

Searching all around

Learning to trust in something more

I am a tower of blocks

Timid and small

Grasping for hope and courage

Building upon others support

I am tower of blocks

No longer tall and strong

But beautiful and true

In my own special way

I am a tower of blocks

Longing for what once was

But learning to accept change

Learning to see the truth

I am a tower of blocks

Strong in a new way

Strong in a way many don't understand

Strong because of my understanding

I am a tower of blocks

Ever smaller than before

But grounded in what matters

Grounded in the truth

I am a tower of blocks

A tower that will often fall

But one that will always rebuild

And be stronger for it

I am a tower of blocks

From which I can see new sights

Sights once overlooked

From way up where I used to be

I am a tower of blocks

Shabby and dull to some

But strong and sure inside

Because of my many falls

I am a tower of blocks

Sometimes scared for what will come

Often afraid of the next big wind

But still lined with hope for the next ray of light

I am a tower of blocks

Standing strong and small

But better for all I've weathered

For all the world to see

Laughter is the Best Medicine

2008-12-23T15:21:00.001-07:00

So, for those of you not aware, I'm a BYU fan and proud to admit that. I'm not so proud to say that although our football team appeared to have great promise this year, they fell a bit short. Do not worry...my loyalties will NOT change. But I did find the following video (made after the BYU v. Utah game) did help lighten the mood. Somehow if you can laugh during the hard times, it really does seem to make things better.

What Christmas is Really All About

2008-12-23T14:44:00.003-07:00

The holidays are always a whirlwind of fun, excitement, and definitely some stress too. This year did not fail me on any of those things. But I wanted to be sure to take just a moment (while my 2 year old is sleeping and my 4 year old is next door...thanks Jen) to publicly say that I am SO thankful for the true meaning of Christmas...Christ.

Although His humble beginning was thousands of years ago, it will forever change the world, past, present, and future. His birth was not especially unique. If it were not for His life, it would just have been another baby born. But this is not the case and this is what we truly celebrate at Christmas time...a miraculous life.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has given us a gift more wonderful than we can ever imagine. We are blessed to simply know of His existence, but the truly beautiful thing is that even those that do not know Him, benefit from what He did. He is truly the Savior of the World, not just the Savior for Christians, or Mormons, or even for those that follow all the commandments. Because He died for us we can all live forever.

I feel so truly blessed to know that my Savior died and suffered for me, personally...as well as everyone else. His love for me extends even beyond the love of a mother for her child...something that I have so often marveled at. His life is truly a testament of His love.

So may you stop, for even just a moment, to ponder on how the love of one who was born in a lowly stable has forever changed your life and will forever more.

Merry Chirstmas!

My Best Teacher

2008-12-16T12:00:00.005-07:00

Hallmark Hall of Fame, after hundreds of productions can definitely put on a sweet little story. Admittedly, often cheesy, but if you can overlook that fact, they really have an uplifting and inspiring message to share.

I'm not usually one that waits anxiously to see is production, but for whatever reason (I suppose in retrospect I could say divine intervention) I decided I'd try to record their most recent production, Front of the Class. I am so glad that I did.

The basic plot is about a man with Tourettes Syndrome, Brad Cohen, overcoming the obvious challenges his disease presents, to become an award winning teacher. Since it's a Hallmark Hall of Fame (HHofF) movie, I'm not giving anything away by letting you know he accomplished his goal. So in that respect it was no different from any other HHofF production.

So you might be asking, "Then why the heck are you taking up space on the internet to talk about it if it's no better than any other one." Good question!

There was one key point in the movie that really hit home for me. When he was only 12 years old, after a horrible experience with a support group (thank heavens they aren't all like that), he made up his mind that he wasn't going to let Tourettes win.

That is exactly how I've had to learn to approach my depression. I can let it win by allowing myself to become a recluse, sleeping all the time, not seeking the help available (therapy, medicine, etc.), thinking I'm too good for a support group...the list goes on and on.

One thing that Brad learned was that to truly win the battle with tourettes, he had to change the way he thought about tourettes. He finally learned to see tourettes as his best teacher. Tourettes was always with him and if he didn't learn to adapt to the challenges it presented him, then it would win.

Depression is the same way. I have learned SO much from my struggle with depression...hopefully things that have made me a better person.

*I've learned humility. Having to realize you can't do it on your own can be a REALLY hard lesson to learn. (Especially if you're stubborn like me!)

*I've learned that you just don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

*I've learned to be less judgemental.

*I've learned to assume the best about people (kind of the idea of innocent until proven guilty).

*I've learned that perfection is a VERY relative term.

*I've learned that (or really maybe just reconfirmed) Ryan is exactly the husband that I need. (Wow I could go on about that one, but I'll try to refrain from boring you!)

*I've learned that the cleanliness of your home has nothing to do with the effort you've put in.

*I've learned that (or again maybe reconfirmed) the Lord truly knows what we need and will answer our prayers even when we don't completely know that is what we're praying for.

*I've learned that people can truly be instruments in the hands of the Lord.

*I've learned that even 2 & 4 year olds can understand quite a bit about mental illness.

*I've learned that it's okay to take medications...aren't the truly a blessing from a loving Heavenly Father.

*I've learned that what you actually accomplish isn't nearly so important as the direction you're headed and the intent of your heart.

*I've learned that even a little sleep deprivation can lead to BIG challenge the next day.

*I've learned that being open and unashamed about my depression can really go a LONG way.

*I've learned that there are many struggling with various forms of depression and may not even know it.

*I've learned that treating depression is very "trial and error."

*I've learned that blogging (about this and not all the stressful fun stuff my family does) has been SO therapeutic, but then if I'm having a day where it's more overwhelming than helpful, then I just forget it.

*I've learned that plans are great, but it's even more important to flexible enough with myself to not get upset when they don't work out.

*I've learned that planned social events are much better than hoping for the spontaneous ones that never really come to fruition.

*I've learned that the "rules" for my depression change...arrgh...I can't say I'm really okay with this one yet, but I do know that it's a reality.

*I've learned that sunshine is good and I need to get as much of it as I can.

*I've learned that I have to try really hard to not let darkness overcome me (both figuratively and literally).

*I've learned that there are lots of things I can do to create a "slow day," but I've also realized that even when I do everything I should do, I may still have a "slow day" and I can't beat myself up over that.

*I've learned that good enough, really is good enough.

*I've learned that I can be REALLY long winded (okay, so I totally knew that before ;) )

*I've learned that I'm not alone.

*I've learned that the Lord loves me just the way that I am!

I did it!

2008-12-11T22:46:00.003-07:00

First let me just say, I haven't blogged for a bit, not because I'm totally down, but just because it's been way too busy. So no one feel bad that I haven't visited your blog in a bit for the same reason. I still love you all and at some point in time life might be a bit more normal and I can actually check out your blogs.

Anyway...So not only did I shamelessly ask Jen to babysit my kids in my last blog (Thanks so much Jen for watching them!), but I even asked for some other help. Turned out things fell through and I didn't need the help, but I asked...isn't that the major issue? Phew...maybe some day I won't feel guilty about it?!

Learning to Ask...

2008-12-04T15:33:00.005-07:00

Life is full of busyness. That craziness just multiples during the holiday season. I love the excitement and evening the late nights preparing gifts and goodies for family and friends. This is something that truly makes my season bright...or it was in the past.

More and more I find that I have to limit myself. What was once rejuvenating and exhilarating, often drags me down and becomes more of a hindrance than a help. The past few weeks have been right on par with that idea.

I've been buzzing around getting this done and that done. Sure, in the moment I feel a bit of stress, but more so the excitement and joy of the process...so I keep going. I stretch to get just one more thing done. To put away one more toy, complete one more project, read one more page...

So often I feel like a broken record.
“Why am I so exhausted?”
“Why does this stress me out?”
“Why am I not happy?”
“Why is it never enough?”

Some might say I’m not grateful enough. Others might say I have unrealistic expectations. And still others might tell me that I just need to “buck up” and be happy.

Sadly, none of these options really works. I am TREMENDOUSLY grateful for what I have. I have the most supportive husband. At times I feel like he couldn’t be more supportive and then he does something else even more wonderful and I find myself in awe that the Lord would bless me with such a man.

My boys are SO darling. Often Bradley will call from upstairs, “Mom?!” I reply in my usual, “Yes, sweetheart?” And in the way that only he can do it, he calls back, “I love you!” Braeden is a ray of light as well. There is nothing I could wish for more than his excited face and voice when he runs into my room say, “Hi MOM!”

My new neighbor is truly a godsend. I loved the neighbors from before, but the Randalls are seriously exactly what I needed. Jen has seriously wanted to learn about what I’m going through more than almost anyone I’ve ever met, and we’ve known each other for less than a month. She offers to help all the time. I honestly don’t know quite what to do.

I could truly go on and on about how blessed I am. Sadly, I think that sometimes adds to the frustration. I KNOW I am so blessed, but I’m still not happy.

I suppose the unrealistic expectations could have something to do with it, but it’s hard when the same things were once positives for me and now they’re negatives. Or the things that I could once do with ease are now more than I can even think about doing.

And I’ve tried to “buck up” on SO many occasions, but when you’ve got depression that just plain doesn’t work.

I honestly think this process is going to be a LONG, possibly life long road for me and I’ll admit that’s a scary thought.

But…as I’ve said before, the Lord has blessed me. I have so many people willing to help, if I can just learn to ask. Thankfully I’m more than comfortable enough with my sweet husband to let him know when I feel horrible, but I’m struggling to place that burden on others. SO much of me wants to turn over the burden, but then the other part of me just can’t let it go.

So this is my new challenge. Learning to ask, and especially learning to do it without feeling guilty about it. Believe it or not, I am MUCH better than I once was, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I think that sometimes the Lord looks down upon me and just shakes His head because sometimes I’m just so darn stubborn and won’t take the help that is staring me in the face.

So, Jen…can you watch my boys again for me next week so I can go to my support group…?

Ray of Light- Bradley

2008-11-30T20:14:00.002-07:00

This was definitely a proud mama moment. As part of a homework assignment, Bradley was supposed to answer the following question:

Finish this sentence: I am thankful for (fill in the blank) because...

This was Bradley's response: I am thankful for presents that I give to people because I like to give them to people.

Let's just say I was pretty darn proud of my sweet little boy after hearing that.

Something to remember...

2008-11-26T09:32:00.007-07:00

I recently picked up a copy of Gary & Joy Lundberg's newest book Meeting Amazing Grace. Not that this post is really about the book itself, I will say that it was a good read...not as a novel like they say it is, but as a well written self-help book. There were many things about family and really just plain people interactions that I found to be good points and very helpful reminders. So I wouldn't say rush out to buy it, but if you have the chance to read it I think there is definitely a lot to be learned.

So now the the REAL point of this post. There was one particular quote that they mentioned that I really loved.

"The obstacles in front of you

are never as great as the power behind you."

To me that is a truly powerful statement. We ALL have the help of the Lord on our side if we will just take it. There truly is NO challenge too big to overcome with the help of the Lord. As I've said before,

"Life is hard, but with God, we can do hard things!"

Thanksgiving Faves!

2008-11-25T10:52:00.003-07:00

So my friend Kenna posted what I thought was a really good idea. She posted her 7 favorite things about Thanksgiving. I think it's good to start thinking about what we appreciate so here are my 7 faves!

1. Saying what we're thankful for before we eat.
2. Making pies the night before.
3. The smell and taste of my dad's smoked turkey...TO DIE FOR!
4. Crazy family game nights every night of the weekend.
5. The tryptophan induced coma after the yummy meal.
6. Standing back and watching the hubub and excitement.
7. Being reminded that we are all SO tremendously blessed.

We really are SO blessed and I'm so thankful we have a holiday to remind us to be thankful. I love it!

Ray of Light

2008-11-23T14:55:00.002-07:00

Here are few Rays of Light from my past few days:

*GREAT new neighbors...we've seriously had them over nearly every day since they moved in (and not because they were barging in on us, but because we mutually wanted to be around each other!)

*Sunny weather

*Trips to the park

*Watching Wall-E, I don't know how many times...but still getting a kick out of how much my boys LOVE it

*Breakfast with friends

*Dinner with friends

*Not having to take my kids out during sacrament meeting

*Receiving revelation on the most simple of things

*Truly praying and feeling the love of the Lord in return

*My support group: The Riverton chapter of DBSA celebrating it's 1st anniversary

*Snuggling on the couch with my hubby

*Hearing "Lub you!" from my 2 year old

*Getting kisses from my 4 year old

Life truly is good...even with the craziness!

Ray of Light

2008-11-20T12:58:00.002-07:00

Again, it's really the little things that happen each day that are so important and seem to make the biggest difference in my life.

My boys have always been pretty good eaters. Sure they have their issues, like anyone does, but generally speaking we don't fight them too much. Thank heavens! But yesterday as Braeden chowed down on his peaches and pears and begged me for some of mine this morning, it just made me really happy. What a simple thing, but a blessing none the less. I suppose not only to have a son who enjoys his fruit, but to have the fruit in the first place. Yes, our life is still definitely tight, but we have what we need and a little reserve and so I really couldn't ask for more. Life is good!

Ray of Light- Fall Fun

2008-11-17T16:32:00.002-07:00

Yard work is not my most favorite of all tasks, but if having to do it means we own the home, then somehow it doesn't seem quite so bad.

Raking leaves seems to be the requisite fall yard work activity. Bradley has been DYING to help Ryan rake the leaves. For weeks he'd ask, but our dear little tree was still hangin' on for all she was worth, but recently, she produced a beautiful blanket upon our grass and Bradley got his wish.

It was the cutest thing to peek out the window and see Ryan and the boys having so much fun. There are a lot of things in life that make me happy, but somehow watching my husband and sons have fun together ranks at the very high, if not on the top of the list.

Here are some shots of the fun (p.s. Since I'm a totally paranoid mom and this is a public blog, I purposely didn't give you any super cute face shots):

Bradley proudly helping Daddy...he loves having his own rake.

Ready...Set...Jump! Seriously...what else are piles of leaves for?!

"Splashing" in the leaves!

"Leaves are falling all around...On my head and hands and toes!"

Ray of Light

2008-11-13T13:47:00.002-07:00

So now that I've written my whinny post, I do want to let you know that I haven't stopped looking on the bright side of things.

My sweet boys have been struggling with getting up too early lately. I wish I could just blame it on the time change, but since it was happening before then, I guess that scapegoat is out. Anyway, we've really been working to help them sleep until at least 7 am so they aren't totally tired and grumpy all day.

Not today (but today was REALLY close), but the 2 days previous they've done it! HALLELUJAH! They are SO much happier when they sleep until then, not mention mama is a LOT happier too.

Miracles DO happen!

Jealous

2008-11-13T13:37:00.003-07:00

Today I was talking to one of my sweet friends that recently started the fight with depression. I've been SO glad I could be there as a support for her. It has been such an uplifting experience for me to think that the hell (and I don't use that word lightly) I've been going through can help someone else.

I admit that I was jealous of her today. She recently started taking antidepressants and she already feels so much better. I'm SO happy for her and I would NEVER want her to keep feeling awful, but I wish I was feeling better too! Yes, I realize she just started them and things could level off or change or it could even mean all sorts of other things, but I guess I'm just sad I never experienced that.

Immediately after I started my antidepressants was HORRIBLE (she did have a rough first few days too), but even after that subsided, I was only able to "kind of" function. It was definitely an improvement, but I wouldn't say I felt "good."

Even still, I'm definitely light years better than I once was, but I would still say I don't feel "good" as a general rule.

Don't worry...I am tired and having more of a slow day today (definitely partially my fault...I was up reading late)...but again as a general rule I am MUCH better than I was before taking meds or even 3-4 months ago. I guess I'm just having a bit of a pity party day...kind of throwing a 2 year old tantrum, "But I wanna feel better! (insert foot stomp) It's not fair!"

Anyway, for this dear friend and any one else that has found solace and peace, I am truly SO happy for you. It is nothing short of a miracle that there are drugs and treatments out there that really work. I know that Lord inspired the minds of those scientists who discovered these drugs. May those of us that struggle in this unique way, only continue to be blessed by advancements in modern medicine.

(okay...I think I'm better now...phew I just needed to vent!)

Tired...but the good kind!

2008-11-11T20:42:00.002-07:00

Sunday night into Monday morning were HORRIBLE.

Most of Monday I slept.

Today I am tired...but the good kind of tired. As a general rule I'm not that up on the idea of being tired, but when I've had a good and productive day and I'm the "accomplished" kind of tired, I'm good with that. So I'm about to plop myself down on the couch and watch and good show then snuggle up in bed knowing I had a tiring, but productive day.

This definitely counts as a gold star day for me!

Ray of Light- Warm Laundry

2008-11-05T16:31:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I'm feeling in a pretty good mood at the moment and so I figured I should capitalize on it.

I know having the word "Laundry" in conjunction with a "Ray of Light" seems a little odd. No, I don't enjoy doing laundry. I definitely find it a necessary evil, but as I was pulling out the laundry from the dryer I couldn't stop thinking how nice the warm laundry felt on my cold hands.

So there is good to be found in pretty much everything...even the laundry!

I love my husband!

2008-11-05T16:05:00.002-07:00

So I think I've mentioned before, my weight has always been an issue for me. I've had varying levels of success with different things, but especially after having kiddos, I've been up and down. Anyway, I've really started to hit things hard again these last few weeks, but sometimes I get frustrated with my lack of success.

Last night I was complaining to Ryan about my weight issues as well as the outcome of the election (sorry, not an Obama fan) and being the sweetheart that he is, Ryan listened dutifully. In an attempt to lighten the mood Ryan told me, "Well since Obama is all about redistribution, maybe he could implement redistribution of weight. All of the underweight people take 5 lbs. from the overweight people."

If only it was possible! That would be the best! I think I might sign up for 40-50 lbs! YEEHAW!

Okay, so in reality that won't work (DARN!), but it did lighten the mood. I'm so blessed to have such a patient husband that listens to all of my craziness!

I love you Ryan!

Ray of Light- Sunshine

2008-11-05T15:54:00.002-07:00

Today has been really cold here in Utah, but by some miracle (or maybe just weather patterns) it's still been sunny in our little valley. We had a little blustery snow, but not much. I just feel so blessed each time the sun comes out. It makes ALL the difference for me.

2008-11-03T15:04:00.003-07:00

This past weekend was fun and busy with Halloween and what not, but one particular event made my weekend. I was browsing the blogs that I check and my 4 year old came into the room. I figured I'd try to hit the blogs of people he knew. At one of them we found the following movie. I could definitely see how this was funny, but to him and his cute little 4 year old mind, it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. I don't know how many times he asked to watch it. It just brought such a smile to my face. Needless to say, this and the next video posted have been a large part of my weekend.

If you can't see the player, click here!

After seeing the one above, we found him some other funny cat videos. The middle of this one (cat vs. fan) was his FAVORITE part.

If you can't see the player, click here!

How simple is his pleasure. I love it!

Ray of Light- Halloween

2008-11-01T14:03:00.003-06:00

In some ways it seems kind of ironic that I'd have Halloween down as a "Ray of Light." For many, Halloween conjurers images that have nothing to do with light...but not at our house.

We really enjoy Halloween, but not for the dark, scary, or sinister side, but for the costumes, kids, and candy side. My 2 darling boys were crayons this year (yes, I did recycle last year's costumes, but if they still fit, why not?!). In true 2 year old form, Braeden wouldn't wear his hat, so he was a pointless crayon, but they still looked cute nonetheless.

At first Braeden wanted nothing to do with his costume. He even had 2 other occasions to wear his costume and even when many other kids were wearing theirs (commonly motivation for him to do things...good old peer pressure), he still refused (literally kicking and screaming) to wear his. I suppose it's all about proper motivation...chocolate. We just had to ask him if he wanted to get chocolate...which being my son, he naturally did...but we told him it was conditional on wearing his costume. Let's just say the crayon outfit was looking pretty good about then.

Armed with a red and navy crayon, we set out to pound the pavement in search of chocolate. Bradley, being 4, was a natural. He was all about knocking/ringing to get the goods and without much practice Braeden was right there with him. And when they were later joined by another friend Braden (my friend Susanna 2 year old son) the 3 of them made quite the team.

This is where I really think my "Ray of Light" comes in...the excitement in their eyes. No, it's not some noble act that inspired them, but it is something that I think is part of every happy childhood. I remember the excitement and anticipation of Halloween. I loved it. And how simple and sweet is their amusement. Candy isn't some huge event, but being the sweet children they are, enough to light up their whole month, let alone the evening of procuring the candy.

Then after tromping home (with little Braeden literally dragging his bag...he wouldn't let me help him carry it), we sat down to dinner. With our children's early bedtime, we went and finished earlier than most so we obviously didn't eat dinner in peace...but that made it all the more fun. Both my boys were so excited each time someone came to the door. Bradley was especially excited about being the "candy sorter" (i.e. the giver of candy). Again, this was another simple act that placed the light and joy of anticipation in their eyes. How sweet that they were as excited to share candy with others as they were to receive their own.

Often, as I look at my situation, I think about children and how little things amuse them. When I stop to get excited about the little things, I find my life much more fulfilling. How would it be if we were all more easily amused by what life has to offer...I think we'd have a far less cynical and depressing world.

Now don't get my wrong...the chocolate involved in the night's events did contribute to my happiness (yes, I'm amused by chocolate too), but again, the biggest sense of satisfaction came in the excitement and light in their eyes. That sweet and simple anticipation characteristic of our most precious gift...children.

The Girl in a Whirl

2008-10-29T13:58:00.002-06:00

A recent email conversation with one of my friends made me think of this poem. I would just like to give a big AMEN! We just need to give ourselves a break once in a while.

The Girl in a Whirl

by 'Dr. Sue'

( a.k.a.. Vickie Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!

You could do what I do

If you only knew how.

I study the scriptures one hour each day;

I bake,
I upholster,
I scrub, and
I pray.

I always keep all the commandments completely;

I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.

I help in their classrooms!

I sew all they wear!

I drive them to practice!

I cut all their hair!

I memorize names of the General Authorities;

I focus on things to be done by priorities.

I play the piano!

I bless with my talents!

My toilets all sparkle!

My checkbooks all balance!

Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;

I attend all my meetings (on time! Never late!)

I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;

Our t-shirts are ironed!

My toenails are polished!

Our family home evenings are always delightful;

The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.

I do genealogy faithfully, too.

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;

I know all the names of each youth in my stake!

I read to my children!

I help all my neighbors!

I bless the community, too, with my labors.

I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;

My visiting teaching is done the first day!

(I also go do it for someone who missed hers.

It's the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)

I chart resolutions and check off each goal;

I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary roll.

I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.

But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all.

I write in my journal!

I sing in the choir!

Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I admire.

My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!

My kids get straight A's!

And their bedrooms are clean!

I have a home business to help make some money;

I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.

I go to the temple at least once a week;

I change the car's tires!

I fix the sink's leak!

I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;

I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.

I make sure I rotate our two-years' supply;

My shopping for Christmas is done by July!

These things are not hard;

'tis good if you do them;

You can if you try!

Just set goals and pursue them!

It's easy to do all the things that I do!

If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!

It's easy!" she said…

…and then she dropped dead.

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal as long as we have enough perspective to realize that we're not going to get there in this life. We all need to work together to help others where they're weak and be humble enough to ask for help where we're weak.

Ray of Light- Indian Summer

2008-10-28T17:09:00.002-06:00

I'm LOVING the Indian Summer* we're having here in Utah. It has been in the high 60s and low 70s the past several days. It's nice to get a little chill in the evenings, but still be able to go outside without being bundled up. It has been SO good for my "winter blues" that it hasn't really been winter like yet. Still lots of nice sun...yay! Oh, and Halloween is even supposed to be close to record high...YIPEE!

* * * * * * * * * *

*Indian Summer: a name given to a period of sunny, warm weather in autumn, not long before winter. Usually occurring after the first frost, Indian summer can be in September, October, or early November in the northern hemisphere, and March, April, or early May in the Southern hemisphere. It can persist for a few days or extend to a week or more. This term is not related to the summer season in India. (Thanks so Wikipedia)

Ray of Light- Success!

2008-10-26T21:08:00.003-06:00

Ryan's birthday was on Friday. He turned the big 3-0! I figured now was as good a time as any to give him a surprise party. I've been planning this for several months and it's been KILLING me to not be able to tell him. We don't keep secrets...which is good, because that's not my best skill anyway.

Needless to say, it was a miracle that between my four year old son (he was there when I bought decorations and put them up) and myself we didn't spill the beans. Ryan was "totally snowed!" as he puts it.

It was a great success. Everyone arrived BEFORE we did. Until we walked in the house, Ryan still thought we were meeting his sisters to go out to eat. I had plenty of food (actually enough extra that we got together for dinner tonight to finish them off). I made a special design for the top of the cake (I made the design, but Costco lovingly created the cake and decorated it for me) that he totally loved...and it tasted good to boot! Overall it was just a great night.

I didn't realize how much stress it actually caused me until I realized I was shaking. My hands and heart rate didn't get back to normal until after the party. I knew it was important to me, but didn't realize just how much. I suppose the fact that I slept most of Saturday was also a good sign that it had taken it's tole.

I don't see myself doing another surprise party any time soon, but I wouldn't change the look on Ryan's face for anything. It was great!

Ray of Light

2008-10-21T15:21:00.002-06:00

This past Sunday I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. This is definitely not my favorite thing to do. I'm not the biggest fan of getting up in front of people, but especially not when I'm supposed to be bringing the spirit to the room and helping the entire ward be spiritually fed.

But each time I'm asked to talk in church it's really like a little miracle happens. Each time I have been blessed with divine assistance. I often look back at what I've written and realize those words were not my own. It is such a blessing to know that God is there watching out for me and that when I petition His help and exercise active faith (i.e. study the topic, pray, try to outline the talk on my own, etc.) He will not fail me.

On more than one occasion after giving a talk, someone has come up to me and asked for a copy of my talk, or said how helpful it was to them at that time. I'm definitely not bragging when I say this because the words were not my own. And I'm always very quick to tell the other person that too. I really just feel like I'm an instrument in the hands of the Lord; sharing the message He would have those listening hear.

This time my talked was based on one given by Elder Perkins in the Oct. 2006 General Conference...."The Great and Wonderful Love." I would highly recommend you check it out! It would be WELL worth your time.

Real Mothers

2008-10-21T15:17:00.002-06:00

I got the following message in an email from one of my friends. Sometimes it's nice to feel like you don't have to be perfect, to be "perfect." It's an amazing and crazy and tiring and joyful and exciting and stressful...thing to be a mom. I'd like to give a special thanks to all the moms in my life.

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child ' s growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mom to Mother...

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it .

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Ray of Light

2008-10-15T15:55:00.003-06:00

The last few days have been good, bad, busy, sad, easy, hard, productive, lazy, etc. I think you get the idea. Pretty much I've been all over the map. Needless to say it makes me tired and I just haven't found the energy to get on here.

But even with the craziness I haven't failed to notice some "Rays of Light":

*Fresh fallen snow. (yes, I did have the post about winter...I don't mind snow, what gets me is the "darkness" that often comes during the winter.)

*Clean sheets

*2 year old preschool (all 15 minutes of it)

*Finished projects

*Completing a hard workout (notice, I didn't say doing)

*Spending time with friends

*Watching a movie and eating popcorn while cuddling on the couch with my boys

*Getting answers to my prayers...no matter how simple or basic the question

*Having nursery aged kids actually participate in singing time, not just staring at you

*Taking a peek at my 2 beautiful boys sleeping peacefully

*Hugs from my husband after a hard day

*My boys eating without complaining about some aspect of the meal...miracles DO happen

*Escaping into the pages of a good book

*The smell of freshly mopped floors

*Watching my dad and son make cookies together

*FINALLY falling into bed after a busy, busy day

*Feeling the peace and assurance that can only come from our loving Father in Heaven

* * * * * * * * * *

Life is hard, but with God I can do hard things!

Winter

2008-10-11T23:19:00.004-06:00

Well, if I hadn't figured it out by the temperature, the snow falling was definitely a strong indication that winter has arrived. Yes, it looks like it will warm up again, but none the less, winter is upon us and I'm worried.

Living in the South for the last 3 winters has made me weak. I don't do cold and snow very well. It really helps my mood to be able to get outdoors. I also thrive on natural light. Even rainy days are really hard on me (yes, that's coming from a girl that grew up in Western Washington...boy how I've changed!). I'm trying to keep rational and not freak out, but the more and more I think about winter, the more worried I become...especially if we repeat Utah's last winter!

I want to make it through this winter without crashing. I'd love ANY suggestions you have on avoiding cabin fever. I know most of you that read this site don't have depression, but that doesn't mean that your suggestions won't help. Please send your ideas!

Pesto Recipe

2008-10-11T23:11:00.002-06:00

Since I've had a request for the recipe I figured I'd just post it here for anyone interested:

Pesto

2 C. Fresh Basil (firmly pressed into dry measuring cup...not smashed)
3 T. Pine Nuts
2 Cloves Garlic
1/2 t. salt
dash of pepper
1/2 C. Grated Parmesan cheese (fresh if possible, not the stuff in the green canister)
1/4 C. Grated Romano cheese (again the fresher the better)
2/3 C. Olive Oil
butter

To prepare: Toast the pine nuts in a small skillet in a bit of butter. Wash & drain basil- remove stems. Put all ingredients into a food processor or blender and blend until smooth. Freeze or refrigerate until ready to use. (Shouldn't keep in fridge beyond about 5 days.) Don't worry if a brownish layer settles to the top of the pesto after being in the fridge for a while...this is normal. Just stir it up and it will be fine.

For those of you new to pesto, it's super yummy on noodles or to be used a dip for bread or any other number of uses that sound good. I even used a little on top of a baked potato in addition to the normal toppings. If used on pasta adding additional cheese to the top finishes the dish. Be sure to know that a little pesto goes a LONG way. Don't use too much.

Hmm...this makes me happy just thinking about it. You can imagine what we've had the last few days!

Ray of Light- Fresh Pesto

2008-10-08T18:58:00.002-06:00

So this "Ray of Light" is much less deep then some of my others, but mmmm...but what's better than a home that smells like fresh pesto! Ahh...yes, in fear of losing all of it to the freeze that is coming this weekend, I harvested all of my basil and made 5 batches of pesto. I don't think it's the most cost effective way to go (good cheese isn't cheap), but it sure tastes a lot better than what you get pre-made in the store. So that's what's making me happy right now. YAY for herbs!

Ray of Light- General Conference

2008-10-06T18:51:00.003-06:00

Saturday and Sunday were truly feasts for the spirit. I have yet to have a General Conference experience that has failed me (or should I say, one where I have been spiritually ready). I know this will not make the darkness go away, but every time I fill my spiritual cup, I feel refortified for the storm I'm living in.

How blessed we are to have a loving Heavenly Father. He KNOWS that we need the spiritual feast that is General Conference. I can't even tell you how many of the talks seemed directed at me personally, and even more beautifully, many others felt the same way.

General Conference truly is a blessing and I feel even more blessed that I will be able to ponder on and reread these beautiful words again.

Recalibration

2008-10-06T18:43:00.003-06:00

Somewhere inside me I found a ray of light...an ounce of hope.

I am not an outsider! Satan cannot win this battle!

Over and over the phrases, "Get the hence Satan!" and "I will not let you win!" swirl in my mind.

My boys do miss me, but I'm just blessed enough that they don't fault me for it. Ryan was sweet enough to let me rest. He is such a tremendous husband to spend as much time as possible playing with them.

I need to reevaluate. I need to rebalance. I need to recalibrate.

My reality is that things will be going fine one minute and then the next I'll be on the ground, not sure what sent me there. I can wallow in my own misery and allow Satan to pollute my mind, but what good would that do? I would only be more miserable...exactly how he'd want me.

I do have a choice. It is harder than almost anything I've had to do, but it is a choice none the less and I want to win. I don't want to surrender to the darkness. So I'll reset my sites. Change my plan of action. Take things one day at a time. Recalibrate.

An Outsider in My Own Home

2008-10-06T18:33:00.002-06:00

"I love my little family dearly and all I really want to do is to spend time with them, but I can't." That was the thought that kept running through my mind as I lay curled up under the navy blue comforter on my sons bed.

I could hear the excited laughter and giggles of my 2 boys playing with their father. Here I had a golden opportunity to make memories with the ones I loved most, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed.

I will give myself credit...I did try. Before I found my home in Bradley's bed, I was up on the couch. Again, I could hear their laughter and joy and decided I'd come join in the fun. I went downstairs and I was able to play for a few minutes, but that was all I could sustain.

I walked like a zombie into my sons room. I didn't even turn on any lights. I just lay there trapped in the darkness that is my reality more often than I'd like to think.

As I've said on many occasions, I wish I had the vocabulary to truly describe what I was feeling. Again, the idea of an out of body experience comes to mind. Inside my heart is SCREAMING for me to get out of bed and be with the ones I love. But my body, is manically laughing back daring my heart to just try it. And then I'm stuck somewhere in between...wanting one thing so much, but being unable to find the strength to do it.

I think what scares me the most is that I wonder if I was missed. Have my children become so accustomed to mommy sleeping or "resting" that they don't even notice when I've gone?

I am an outsider in my own home...

Ray of Light- I love to See the Temple

2008-10-04T16:36:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shinning, Ryan had the day off, and it was the perfect temperature. Although those things added to my overall feelings about the day, the chance we had to spend time at Temple Square.

Temple Square is a place filled with peace and joy unlike anywhere else in the world. Having lived out of state for the last several years my boys had not had the opportunity to be there. I have memories of going to Temple Square and they are always filled with happiness and joy. What more could I want than to have memories of happiness and joy for my children.

I was specifically inspired to take my little family there this weekend because of General Conference. This too is a WONDERFUL event held twice a year, but I'll talk about that in a future "Ray of Light." I wanted them to understand where conference was held and give them a glimpse of the spirit that is present during this wonderful event.

I wanted them to see the grander of the Conference Center. Where over 21,000 of people come together, joined in spirit by the many watching and listening across the world, to feast on the word of God.

I wanted them to touch the house of the Lord. To feel the same granite that faithful pioneers literally cut out of the mountain and worked for 40 years to complete.

I wanted them to feel the sacred spirit present as they listened to the words of our Savior and gazed at the Christus.

Overall I wanted their little hearts to be touched by the sweet spirit that can only be felt at temple square.

Again, it was a beautiful day. Yes, the boys were still 2 and 4 years old. No, they didn't start to cry like their mother did. But, I know it sunk in. As I hugged Bradley while we were looking at the Christus, I asked him if he felt happy. He quietly responded in the affirmative. I was able to use this most special of moments to let him know that what he was feeling was the Spirit of our Lord. He was feeling the Holy Ghost. Even as he sat there in his wiggly silence listening to his little brother mumbling excitedly about Jesus, I could tell he knew. I could tell his little 4 year old heart was touched. And that, that alone, made Friday, October 3, 2008 a beautiful day.

Ray of Light-DBSA

2008-10-03T08:36:00.004-06:00

There is NO question that my DBSA support group has been SO good for me. I know I've talked about this before, but I just feel so strongly about it. It has been such a relief to be able to go and be with others who understand what I'm going through. My family and friends have been great, but it's just not the same. I'm SO thankful for DBSA. What could be better than a non-profit organization that provides free services to those in need?

On another note (sorry, I'm really on a soapbox right now) we as a community of people have to do what we can to help educate America about mental illness. After each week at group I think it is SO obvious that we all fight the misinformation and the ignorance of those around us. I don't blame those around us for this problem...how can you blame someone for something they didn't know they needed to learn about? I'm not really sure there is blame to be given to anyone. What I think does matter is that we spread the word.

Personally, I need to be open about my disease and its affects on me...I'm trying to do that, that's what I have this blog. I also challenge those of you that are reading my blog to be open about mental illness as well. No, I'm not asking you to go door to door lecturing your neighbors on the misconceptions that are out there, but please speak up when it is appropriate. Teach your children that depression or bipolar or any other mental illness is as disease just like cancer or diabetes. Those of us suffering, didn't sign up for this. This has afflicted us just like any other disease.

Please help me, and others that are suffering with me, fight the stigma.

Okay, so I'm off my soapbox (at least for now). I do want to thank all of you for your support. It has been SO good for me to share my experience here and read your comments. Thank you for being there for me.

Ray of Light

2008-10-02T12:32:00.003-06:00

Oh my goodness...I've just been so busy (which always equals tired). Phew! But at least it's been a good kind of busy.

*For starters yesterday a few friends came over and we canned apple pie filling. It's seriously the best recipe around and so I was excited to do it, but without the generous offering of apples from my parents and the help of good friends I think the task would have been too daunting and I most likely would have never tried. Thank you, thank you for helping me!

*I also owe a HUGE thanks to one special friend. I got a special package at my front doorstep. It was the sweetest and most thoughtful way of letting me know that she cared. For starters just sending me something out of the blue meant so much. Then to send a book (I'm such a bibliophile), wow you couldn't have picked a better thing.

Then the message of the text of the book was so wonderful, not to mention the additional hand written message inside the book. You know who you are, and so I won't name names, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It truly made what has been a difficult few weeks that much easier to bare. I love you and appreciate all that you've been for me.

It has TRULY been such a blessing to spend a little time each day focusing on the good. My life is really hard right now. I do my best to plod along through each days and I have varying degrees of success, but I can NEVER doubt that there is a loving Father in Heaven watching over me. I am constantly blessed by the little "Rays of Light" that come from above. And it is these simple rays that my my life worth living.

Ray of Light

2008-09-28T09:49:00.002-06:00

I didn't write yesterday because I was sincerely busy the whole day, so don't worry that I was super down yesterday...it was pretty good.

Anyway, to catch you up here are my "Rays of Light" for Friday & Saturday:

*Friday: What a blessing good friends are. One of my friends from High School got a group of us girls together and it was a ton of fun. It was nice to be back with them and just chat about old times and find out that even though we really haven't been together much in the past years, we still have a lot in common and it almost seemed as if the years weren't between us.

*Saturday: Good family & the Good News! Last night I went with my mom and youngest sister to the General Relief Society Meeting*. It was so nice to be there with my family sharing with them what is most important in our lives. The messages the speakers gave were inspiring and uplifting and most importantly they moved me to live life better. One specific quote (I'm really paraphrasing because I can't promise it's exactly right) came from President Uchtdorf**. He said, "Being spirit daughters of God, happiness is your heritage." How beautiful is that. So often we get bogged down by the craziness of life and forget that in many ways, happiness is who we are. I feel SO blessed that I was there to hear this message and to be reminded what is really most important in life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*General Relief Society Meeting: A meeting they have once a year for the members of the Relief Society.
-Relief Society: Female Church members ages 18 and older belong to the Relief Society. The Relief Society was founded by the Prophet Joseph Smith on March 17, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois. In the days of its founding, it had two main purposes: to provide relief for the poor and needy and to bring people to Christ. The organization continues today, staying true to those original guiding principles as women in the Relief Society meet together on Sunday and in other settings as needed.

**President Uchtdorf:(born 6 November 1940), a former German aviator and airline executive, is the Second Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church).

Ray of Light- Family Support

2008-09-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

My DBSA support group has been great for me, as I've mentioned before. These last 2 Thursdays I've had other commitments that have kept me away. I didn't think I was so dependent on it, but it really does make a difference so I was so glad I could go again today.

For anyone dealing with a mental illness, family support is HUGE. I've been VERY blessed to have a tremendously supportive husband and other family members that are trying their best to understand what I'm struggling with. Sadly, that is not always the case.

Tonight at group, though, I was so pleased to see four family members there to support one of our group. They know that their family member is going through something difficult and instead of just turning this person away as "nuts," they're trying to learn as much as they can and be as supportive as they can...what a gift. I'm so thankful that this group member has this kind of support. It was truly a "Ray of Light" for me to see that.

A special thanks to all of the family and friends that are supporting someone through the nightmare of a mental illness. God bless you!

Slow Days

2008-09-25T23:08:00.004-06:00

Boy, if you ever wanted to know when I'm having "slow days" you've just got to look at the holes in my postings!

So yeah, the last few days have been pretty hard. In a lot of ways I was all over the map. I'd feel great one day, down the next, great the following, and then back down again. Today I'm back to a good day (maybe not great, but good).

Thankfully even my "slow days" these days aren't nearly as bad as some I've had, but it's still hard and frustrating none the less. I'm still on myself because I can't get as much done as I'd like...well maybe it would be better to say, I'm still frustrated that I can't do as much as I once could. I know it's my reality, but it doesn't mean it isn't still hard.

I'm definitely continuing on the uphill hike, but we're still very much in a 2 steps forward, 1 step (or maybe even 1 1/2 steps) back. The progress is slow, but still in a positive direction.

I think I need to sing my "Dory" song a little more often.

Ray of Light

2008-09-22T12:52:00.003-06:00

It was about 10:45 pm last night and I was about to crawl into bed (this is early for me) when I heard funny noises from the monitor. Braeden had been coughing a bit in the last few days so at first I didn't think anything of it. But then I heard the noise again.

Ryan and I decided it wouldn't hurt for one of us to go check things out and that was definitely the right decision. I came into the bedroom to find Bradley covered in throw up! (And NO that is not my "Ray of Light.") We quickly went into parent mode and got the messy bed and son cleaned up.

While Ryan was bathing Bradley he mentioned to him that he would give him a priesthood blessing*. First of all, I was SO thankful that I had a husband that was worthy of doing that. I was also really touched by what sweet faith Bradley had. He knew that this is what needed to happen for him to get better.

A few minutes later we were tucking him back into bed and as usual I was going to give him a hug and kiss. He puckered his lips to give me a wet one. I felt so bad, but I had to let him know that I was just going to kiss his cheek.

This was of course confusing to Bradley...not being aware of exactly how germs work, so I explained to him that if I kissed him on the lips I might get sick too.

I then asked him, "What would happen if Mommy got sick?"

Without hesitation he replied, "Well I'd have to have Daddy show me where the stuff was so I could give you a blessing!"

How sweet is that?!

I feel so blessed to have such a caring, sweet, and faithful little boy.

As a side note...he is feeling much better today and this will hopefully just be a 24 hour bug.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Priesthood Blessing: A blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, consecrated oil is used (James 5:14-15).

Ray of Light- The Wonders of Yoga!

2008-09-20T15:59:00.001-06:00

In a recent email my brother-in-law (he's away in New York serving a mission) mentioned that he was having trouble sleeping. Boy do I EVER understand that. I told him about some of the sleeping pills that have worked well for me and then I also suggested some yoga stretches before he goes to bed.After writing that, I realized that I REALLY needed to practice what I preached. I knew yoga stretches could help calm you and make it easier to sleep, but I'd never done any at bedtime before.

HALLELUJAH! (Think the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing this!)

It has SERIOUSLY been the best thing for me. Sure I don't sleep perfectly now, but I found a great set of exercises from Fitness Magazine...8-Minute Workout: Yoga for Better Sleep. In just 8 minutes I feel SO much more relaxed and ready to go into a restful sleep.

In the past I had to read myself to sleep, but now I just have to decide I'm feeling kind of sleepy, do my yoga stretches, and "POOF" I'm totally relaxed and ready to sleep. Sure I still take some reading time, but I don't have to push myself until I'm SO exhausted, which I'm sure not doing that already makes my sleep better.

This 8 Minute Workout has been a HUGE "Ray of Light" that comes in the darkness of the night!

LOVE IT!!!!! (Think Weezy from Dragon Tales!)

Ray of Light- To See Me

2008-09-17T20:27:00.008-06:00

Today Ryan sent me the following link:
http://www.visionimpressions.com/poems/tosee.htm

For those of you that don't actually want to go to that site, here's the poem that is on it. If you do go to the site there is a beautiful picture and some music associated with it. As well as some additional dialogue about depression.

To See Me

by Deb Montgomery

So long...looking into the mirror

I saw only a reflection of an image,

a stranger looking back at me.

When looking into my eyes,

I saw only an emptiness, a void.

Beneath those eyes were many fears,

fears of pain,

fears of sorrow,

feelings of no hope.

How could I not know this face before me,

as I stood looking at the image in the mirror?

Where was this person that I used to be,

why couldn't I see?

Turning again looking into the mirror,

I saw my life,

one that had gone out

like a candle being extinguished.

All my pride,

my joy,

my hopes,

my desires,

my passion,

all was gone.

What reflected back from that mirror

was a stranger looking back at me.

Standing there feeling so alone,

lost and confused,

the fear set in, where was this person

I called ME?

Walking away from that image,

never wanting to look again,

my life continued on.

Over time I found myself looking in

that mirror again.

Yet this time when I looked,

what reflected back to me

was a face, my face,

my eyes filled with hope,

a burning love,a pride of being me,

a passion for living.

No longer a darkness did I see,

for out of my eyes a light was shining,

a reflection of ME!

For you see

I was no longer a stranger

to Me!

Yet there still is that pain deep within,

that pain has taken on

a new meaning in my life.

Through the tears

and

countless hours of feeling alone,

those hours I screamed out and no one heard

slowly through that pain and confusion

emerged the real me.

It took all those disappointments and life hurts

to make me stop

and look at the real Me!!

No longer am I just an image in a mirrorI

am a reflection of my life,

those hurts,

those joys,

that hope,

that burning passion,

that endless love.

I see now the true image

the image of Me!

I don't think I need to say much more. Deb Montgomery has so well captured what I am feeling. I don't believe I'm quite to the point of seeing the "real" me, but I'm on my way...and that is what hope is all about.

Ray of Light

2008-09-16T16:17:00.003-06:00

I think I've mentioned it before, but I've recently moved into this home. Transitions are always hard, but especially when you move to a neighborhood where you don't know anyone. I've been trying my best to get to know people through church and what not, but even still that can be hard.

In the last area I lived they had this great program called "Music Makers." It was a great "Mom & Me" activity focused on music, movement, and finger plays. My boys LOVED it. I thought it would be perfect to start up here, not to mention be a great way to get to know other moms in my neighborhood.

I prepped and sent out flyers, but only had like 2 people respond. After about a week another one joined in. I was getting a little nervous, especially since one of the families will be moving next month and that would leave us down to just 3 moms. I suppose if we were always able to attend that would be okay, but I was really hoping for a few more.

Then today I was able to invite 2 moms, also new to the area to join. It's silly, but it made me so happy. I think that's the perfect number of participants. It gives us plenty of kids in the group, not to mention plenty of moms to help lead each different activity. YAY! I'm just so happy.

In a lot of ways I feel like my prayers have been answered. I've really been praying to feel more integrated into my new area and it felt like my efforts weren't really working out. I suppose just like everything, you just need to be patient and have faith (again, active faith...I was trying different things to get to know people, not just waiting for them to come to me) and things really do work out.

Ray of Light

2008-09-14T21:18:00.002-06:00

RYAN'S HOME!

I'm a little paranoid since I have a public blog, so I didn't mention that Ryan was gone. But he's been out of town since EARLY (i.e. 5am) Thursday morning and needless to say he was a sight for sore (and VERY tired) eyes when he got home this morning.

Maybe we're just silly and mushy, but even after 8 years of marriage I HATE to have him gone. He's just so apart of my life and I can't imagine life without him. It was even harder this time since we barely had a chance to talk. He was so busy in meetings and what not that I think the entire time he was gone we spoke for like 20 minutes, maybe. And anyone that knows me knows I like to talk, so yeah...that was torture.

Anyway, he's back home now and hopefully the next business trip will be a while in the future.

Thanks to all of you that helped me out during his trip. It was just nice to have visits from friends, and help babysitting from my parents so that I could keep my sanity.

**An Aside: Something that is helpful to remember...I think it's hard for anyone to have their husband gone and to play the "single parent" game, but like pretty much anything stressful when you have depression, you have to multiply how hard it is because you've always got this base level of stress going on and it is SO much harder to keep the delicate balance of sanity.**

Ray of Light

2008-09-13T15:04:00.003-06:00

One of my good friends for Durham, NC is getting baptized*! I am SO tremendously excited for her. She had been working SO hard to get ready while we were still there and has finally been able to get everything ready...I am just SO proud of her.

In general finding religion that makes you want to be a better person is always a good thing, but I can truly say that being baptized as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints offers something special. I think I often feel the same way about my church as I do about my depression...I just don't have the right words to describe it. It's kind of like trying to explain to someone that has never had it, what salt tastes like..."Well, it's salty!" Yeah, not the best description.

I think one of the MAJOR differences between being baptized and confirmed** a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints vs. being a faithful member of any other church, is the having the ability to have the presence of the Holy Ghost*** ( or The Spirit) with you at all times.

All of us can feel the Light of Christ****. As it explains below, the Light of Christ prepares us to receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I kind of think of it like physical light. You can have the Light of Christ to give you feelings that you're doing right, or hearing the truth, or making a right decision, but sadly that light is only a small flashlight beam that comes on every once in a while. Having the Gift of the Holy Ghost is like having a search light shinning on you at all times you're doing your best to living in accordance with the will of God. The Holy Ghost still does the same kinds of things that the Light of Christ does, but it's like having those good feelings all the time.

By no means am I perfect or is my family perfect, but we have tried very hard to have a good spirit in our home. This friend who is getting baptized would come to our home to be taught by our LDS missionaries*****. On more than one occasion she mentioned how good and right things felt in our home. What a good spirit was present there. She was feeling the Holy Ghost in our home.

I think since I've been blessed to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all my life sometimes I don't even recognize what I have. More often than not, I recognize the lack of the Spirit more profoundly than even having it. I can definitely feel that loss and sorrow when I'm not doing what I need to to have that presence in my life. I really believe that having the Gift of the Holy Ghost (He is the messenger of God's love) is why I'm coping as well as I am. Yes, medication, support groups, and so many other things are vital to my overcoming depression, but I could be doing all of those things and not be truly happy. My religion makes all the difference.

It is truly a beautiful blessing and I can't wait for my dear friend to be blessed with it next week. There are SO many blessings that come from being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but this is one that I believe she'll notice right from the very beginning and it will continue to bless her life as she strives to live in accordance with God's will.

This is truly and completely a "Ray of Light" for me. I cannot think of ANYTHING better I could offer anyone in the entire world. Again, those words sound so hollow and weak, but that is the honest truth. You can be happy without being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but not the type of happiness that will last throughout the eternities. That kind of happiness can only come from one thing.

For more information about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints visit:

www.mormon.org

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Baptized:Baptism by immersion in water by one having authority is the first saving ordinance of the gospel and is necessary for an individual to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and to receive eternal salvation. All who seek eternal life must follow the example of the Savior by being baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. (from www.lds.org)

**Confirmed: A blessing whereupon the recipient can then have the Holy Ghost as a constant companion as long as they are living worthily.

***Holy Ghost/The Spirit: The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead. He is a personage of spirit, without a body of flesh and bones. He is often referred to as the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God, the Spirit of the Lord, or the Comforter. (from www.lds.org)

****Light of Christ: The Light of Christ is the divine energy, power, or influence that proceeds from God through Christ and gives life and light to all things. The Light of Christ influences people for good and prepares them to receive the Holy Ghost. One manifestation of the Light of Christ is what we call a conscience. (from www.lds.org)

*****Missionaries/Missionary Work: The Lord has declared that missionary work is the responsibility of all who follow Him (see Matthew 28:19–20; D&C 88:81). Members of the Lord's Church can, by the goodness of their lives and the strength of their testimonies, share the gospel message and help prepare family members, friends, and other acquaintances who are not Latter-day Saints to be taught by the full-time missionaries. (from www.lds.org)

Tired

2008-09-12T14:46:00.002-06:00

I'm tired today. BLAH! I suppose I'm usually tired, but I'm feeling especially tired today. I'm still really working on balancing my expectations. Even though I got 7 plus hours of sleep last night, and I slept on the couch for another several hours this morning, the odds are pretty good I'll still be tired. I think that is something that I would appreciate more than anything else...a tired free day. Hmmm....do those ever happen? I promise I'll let you know if it ever does! We can always have dreams right?!

Ray of Light

2008-09-12T14:44:00.002-06:00

Yesterday evening I had the opportunity to go outlet shopping with some of my friends from the ward. Ryan wasn't able to watch the boys and so my parents were graciously willing to come watch my 2 kiddos. It was so nice to be able to get out and not have to worry about them. And to top that all off, they were great for my parents. YAY! That's made today a lot better.

Ray of Light

2008-09-11T14:10:00.003-06:00

Today's Ray isn't something unique to today, but it is something that I was reminded of again today. I took my kiddos into the doctor for their yearly well check and they're as fit as can be. I just feel SO blessed to have 2 beautiful and healthy kids. What a blessing.

Past Rays of Light

2008-09-10T14:13:00.006-06:00

Okay, so my last post was a bit heavy. Phew! So let me lighten things up a bit by sharing some of the "Rays of Light" from these past few days.

*I'm REALLY a soccer mom! I know that doesn't sound like much to aspire to, but I'm thrilled. I was SO proud of Bradley as I watched him play his little heart out in a game of "bunch ball" (as my dad calls it). He put all of his little effort into it and loved every minute of it. I'm so proud of him and would be even if he hadn't made 2 goals!

*We were able to visit my grandma on Sunday. She's in an assisted living facility because of her Alzheimer's. She has been REALLY low in the past, but it was SO good to see her this weekend. She looked happy and healthy (of course relatively speaking for a nearly 85 year old women). She was SO proud that she's been able to walk (without her walker) to all of her activities. She graciously shared some hand strung bracelets with us (Bradley was SO excited...he's been totally into bracelets lately). It was just so nice to see her and see her doing so well.

*I've been in kind of a slump as far as exercising goes...someday maybe I'll get out of it and stay out of it for good (in and out of the slump seems to be my pattern), but both yesterday and today I've exercised. Yes, that's only 2 days, but we'll take every little positive we can find.

*Oh, and along the lines of the last one, it didn't rain on us (Braeden & I) while we were out walking. It was definitely threatening, but we were in the clear. YAY!

*Again, related to the last one, Braeden was SO upset with me for putting him in the stroller. Seriously, all the neighbors were looking at us (he's got lungs...what can I say). I would have let him cool down first, but we had to get Bradley to preschool. Anyway, he finally calmed down and so I didn't have to listen to him scream for the 45 minutes I was out walking, maybe only 5.

*Ryan and I sang as part of a double quartet for the adult session of Stake Conference* on Saturday night and we didn't sound half bad. I think the arrangement was beautiful and we definitely had the help of the Lord as we shared the sweet message of this song.

*Then on Sunday (in spite of some technical difficulties our building was having receiving the transmission) we were able to hear the inspired words of the Lord's chosen servants at the general session of stake conference. How blessed we are to have modern day prophets.

*Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL day which made for a beautiful night. After getting the little guys tucked in bed we enjoyed a refreshing evening rocking on our front porch rockers and reading. What could be better than that?

*I'm sure there are many more I could write, but we'll leave it at that. Aren't we all SO blessed. I love it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Stake Conference: A semi-annual conference held for the members of a stake. A stake is a group of congregations or wards, generally about three thousand to five thousand members in five to ten congregations.

Ray of Light

2008-09-10T14:02:00.002-06:00

My "Ray of Light" for today is directly linked with my last post. I am SO thankful that books like Stop Pretending are starting to become more and more available. As much as these books are a nightmare to read and definitely not light reading, I believe it is SO important that our society becomes more informed.

In my support group last week we were talking about how hard it is to have a disease that just isn't understood. One member was mentioning some struggles with needing some time off work and their employer just not understanding. If this member had said they needed to go in to get chemotherapy or that he was struggling with heart disease, the odds are the employer wouldn't have thought twice about giving the needed time off.

Depression, bipolar, and any other major mental health disorder are no different...but that's not how much of the world sees us. Often we get classified as "lazy" or "weak." Sometimes I wish other people could spend a day or two in our shoes. Try fighting through the darkness that makes you feel like you're drowning. Try convincing your body that everything's fine when your brain is SCREAMING that you're going to die. Try dealing with feeling happy and fine one minute and seriously the next, for what seems like no reason at all, you're as low as you've ever been. Then let me know who is "lazy" or "weak."

Phew...I need to wrap this up. As you can tell, I feel very passionately about this. I know I have it pretty bad, but thankfully I'm definitely going in an uphill direction, with only minor set backs, but I see SO many others that have been fighting with EVERYTHING they have and it's just not working.

So thank you to Sonya Sones and others out there that are doing their best to show the reality of such difficult and debilitating diseases.

Stop Pretending

2008-09-10T13:40:00.004-06:00

These past few days (well almost as week) have been CRAZY! Some just plain busy, but others I've just been REALLY tired (probably because of the busy days). Thankfully I haven't been SUPER down, but when I'm tired, I just don't have enough energy to blog.

Yesterday night (when I should have been sleeping) I read this book:

I equally loved and hated this book. I loved it because it did such a great job of capturing what mental illness is and can be, especially to family members and I hated it for the same reason.

The basic premise is about a 13 year old girl watching her sister struggle with Bipolar Disorder (she calls it Manic-Depressive disorder...same thing as Bipolar). She shares her fears, her hopes, and her frustrations. I think what haunts me most, is when she worries that it is her fault. Yes, since she's 13 I'm sure to a certain extent she knows that it isn't her fault and couldn't be, but at the same time, we really don't know what triggers something like this and so that idea worries her. It's just so real.

I worry that Bradley (my 4 year old) might think he's contributing to my depression. I just killed me when he told me one day, "Mom, it's okay. We'll just go downstairs and play and you can rest." Sure a certain level of my was SO proud that my sweet little boy could be so sensitive, but the other part of me was dying to know that he was having to be grown up enough to understand that. Am I robbing my boys of their childhood? I know I could do a lot more with them, but I usually don't have the emotional energy to do it. In some ways I'm hoping that Bradley was young enough when this all started that he really hasn't noticed a change, but then in other ways, how sad to think that he's never really known his mom and neither had Braeden for that matter.

I try to stay up beat and not let things like this occupy my mind...they only make it worse. Usually I'm pretty successful in my attempts. But books like this really get to me. They also make me realize just how carefully I need to act around my boys to give them the best chance at coming through this "normally."

Ray of Light- Sudoku Son

2008-09-04T13:32:00.002-06:00

Bradley is a bright kid...always has been. Even when he was only 18 months he knew all of his letters and the sounds they made. Trust me this is not bragging, he just came hard wired that way.

He has recently taken up Bejeweled and for a kid that's just barely 4...he's good! Heck, he has the highest top score of family (he WAY beat my score and I'm pretty good).

Anyway, I figured, "If he enjoys Bejeweled, then maybe he'd like Sudoku." Surprise, surprise...he loves it.

I bought him a few kids Sudoku books and he did 20 puzzles yesterday out of Learn & Play Sudoku for First Grade. Sure they're easier versions, but still they're for first graders and he did them.

Again, I'm not trying to brag. I figure he's got interests and so you might as well feed them.

The "Ray of Light" from this is not that he was so smart to be able to do them, but more that he was enjoying the same type of puzzle games that I love. I can't wait until he grows up and we can do speed mind games...I know he'll whip me, but it will be so fun. I love it! It made my day!

Up and Ready!

2008-09-04T13:21:00.003-06:00

I've heard many people say there is power in getting up and getting ready first thing each morning. I agree with that like 75%. :)

I have found that getting ready each day has made a HUGE difference in how I feel. I do have to be realistic and realize that I may not get the "first thing each morning" part of the suggestion, but I do get ready EACH day. I've found that even if I don't get ready until 4 or 5 pm (sad, but it does happen some times) it still makes a difference.

When I look at myself right after getting out of bed, well to say the least, I'm not a huge fan of what I see. I'm not down grading myself, but like most people, I don't love my "morning look." If I continue on like that all day, then I just never feel good about myself. I used to do the pony tail thing ALL the time, but it really wasn't a good look for me.

***An Aside: I have NO problem with pony tails. Many people look lovely in them,

but trust me, pony tails on me are for exercising or working out in the yard...not my best look. Also, for me it is totally a cop out. That's why I have short hair, that's not even an option I'm going to give myself because I know I'd get lazy and just not do it. Then all of my effort to actually get ready would really only be for odor removal.***

For me, getting ALL THE WAY ready is what makes the biggest difference. I think then I'm also taking the chance to show myself that I'm worth it and that I can look good.

So my biggest "blues buster" is getting ready: shower, hair, make-up and all!

Ray of Light- Perspective

2008-09-03T14:17:00.004-06:00

This is kind of a mixed post...not only is it my "Ray of Light," but it's one of those issues I had on my list of things so blog about. Depression has truly given me such a different perspective on life. This topic came up in my support group and in some ways I'd realized it, but in others I'd never really put a name to what I was feeling so I think I wasn't completely aware.

I've found that not only do I have to have a different perspective in relation to my own life and expectations, but I am so pleased to say that I look at every one differently. I think I have become much more tolerant and understanding. I find that I wonder the "why" behind peoples actions a lot more than I did before. Or I'll find myself thinking, "I just don't know what their story is, so there's no need to judge them."

This has definitely been an unexpected blessing. I always needed to learn to be less judgemental, but this sure isn't they way I planned to learn it! ;)

Here's a poem that I got when I was a teen that seems really applicable here:

Judge Not

Pray, don't find fault with the girl who limps,

Or stumbles along the road,

Unless you have worn the shoes she wears,

Or struggled beneath her load.

There may be tacks in her shoes that hurt,

Though hidden away from view,

Or the burden she bears, placed on your back,

Might cause you to stumble, too.

Don't sneer at the girl who's down today,

Unless you have felt the blow,

That caused her to fall or felt the shame,

That only the fallen can know.

You may be strong, but still the blows that were her's

If dealt to you in the selfsame time,

Might cause someone as strong as you

to stagger a little in line.

~Author Unknown~

And who could say this concept more eloquent than our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ:

Luke 6: 41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote* that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

It is my hope that I can continue to learn from my struggle and I pray especially that I can try to look at each situation from another's shoes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Mote: Chip or splinter

Ray of Light

2008-09-02T17:02:00.004-06:00

Okay, so if you've read my previous post you'll understand that today has been a harder day. I have to admit, I'm having a harder time coming up with a "Ray of Light." I know it's never that they're not there, but I think I'm wearing dark glasses so I don't notice them as much. And sometimes I think I'm even covering my eyes because I don't want to see them...Is that weird?

I really hate it how sometimes I just want to feel bad and down in the dumps. Of course there is part of me that wonders why I'm so crazy, but then the other part (I suppose the "natural man*" part) of me, the one that seems to be in control at these times, just shouts and drowns out my rational side. Arrrrr.....

But I do have a "Ray of Light" (I probably should spend a lot more time looking for them on days like today...yeah, we'll work on that.) I think it's that I didn't allow myself to be completely encompassed in the dark. I could have. It definitely would have been easier, but thankfully I have my sweet children to help give me motivation. So I guess right there I have 3 "Rays of Light" (1. I didn't get caught in the darkness, 2. Bradley, & 3. Braeden)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Natural Man: See also Born Again, Born of God; Carnal; Fall of Adam and Eve
A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man.

The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit, 1 Cor. 2: 14. The natural man is an enemy to God and should be put off, Mosiah 3: 19. He that persists in his own carnal nature remaineth in his fallen state, Mosiah 16: 5 (Alma 42: 7-24; D&C 20: 20). What natural man is there that knoweth these things? Alma 26: 19-22. Natural or carnal men are without God in the world, Alma 41: 11. Because of his transgression, man became spiritually dead, D&C 29: 41. Neither can any natural man abide the presence of God, D&C 67: 12. And man began to be carnal, sensual, and devilish, Moses 5: 13 (Moses 6: 49). (from www.scriptures.lds.org)

Patience...what's that?!

2008-09-02T16:46:00.003-06:00

Oh, today! What can I say, it was a pretty slow day in some ways in and others a good day. To start off with, I didn't go back to sleep and I accomplished a lot before getting Bradley to preschool. During preschool I ran some errands and by the time I got home, I was done, just plain done.

I suppose it's not the end of the world, but I do find it frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself and my sometimes VERY limited abilities, but on days like today I just get frustrated.

Sure shopping can be a pain, but normally (even my new modified w/ depression normal) I can shop during preschool and then be fine (especially since I only have to take one kid).

And again, maybe it was just so hard because not only was I done, but I was REALLY low. Seriously if my boys wouldn't have needed me, then I would have just curled up on the couch. I hate it because I get this listless feeling and I just want to curl up and have everything go away. I don't feel like I can handle even minor everyday things.

Thankfully I was blessed and so I'm feeling at least better (maybe done, but not stuck in darkness). I guess I really need to have one of my changed expectations be that I'm really going to have good days and slow days, and it doesn't matter if I could do the same thing yesterday and be fine, I just have to take each day for what it's worth.

BLAH! Maybe some day I'll get there...

Ray of Light

2008-09-01T13:34:00.003-06:00

So let me catch you up on a few "Rays of Light" from the weekend.

*First on Friday night I got to actually GO OUT with Ryan and some friends and it wasn't even our anniversary (heck, since that happened the weekend before we actually WENT OUT 2 weekends in a row...it's a new post-kids record).

*Saturday I got to go get my hair cut. I was holding out attempting to grow it out, yeah...didn't happen. I just couldn't deal with the "growing" pains (okay, yes, the pun was intended). It was just really nice to again, have some quiet time to do something for me.

*Sunday we had the opportunity to attend another ward where Ryan was privileged to speak to their youth (12-18 years of age) about a few tidbits he felt would make the biggest difference in their lives at this time. I was SO proud of him...I always am, but I love watching him teach...he's so good at it. I was also so pleased that I could be there...often that is not the case.

*And today, Monday, since it's the holiday (sadly not for my husband, but for everyone else) we didn't have any commitments that we had to meet, so we took it easy this morning...and not just because I was having a slow day. I got to rest on the couch while holding Braeden and watching Elmo's World. I helped Bradley play with his lacing cards. And I'm currently listening to the boys laugh at each other while they're supposed to be eating lunch. I really am blessed to have 2 wonderful children and to have the opportunity to stay home with them.